Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 21
2010 Census Taker
Census Taker…..Tina Fey
Lee Smith….. Betty White
[Outside of Apartment] [Census Taker knocks on the door, and Lee Smith opens the door.]
Census Taker: Hello maam, Im a census taker with the U.S. Census Bureau.
Lee Smith: Oh terrific. Good for you, bye. [Starts to shut door]
Census Taker: [Re-open door] Hang on, um you never returned your 2010 Census form, so if I could just ask you a few questions.
Lee Smith: Absolutely dear. Will I need a calculator?
Census Taker: No maam.
Lee Smith: Cause I have one, but I took the batteries out to use them in a crotch massager.
Census Taker: No. You will not need a calculator. Uh first question. How many people live at this residence?
Lee Smith: Zero.
Census Taker: You dont live here?
Lee Smith: Oh, including me? Three.
Census Taker: Ok, well Im gonna put you down as the primary resident.
Lee Smith: Terrific.
Census Taker: Now, how would you describe your race or ethic origin?
Lee Smith: Well, superior to Asians, but not as intelligent as Blacks.
Census Taker: Whoops! Let me clarify. Which of the following describes you? White, Asian, Hispanic, Pacific Islander
Lee Smith: Oh, Pacific Islander, lets try that and dont skimp on the rum.
Census Taker: Uh what is your last name, maam?
Lee Smith: BLAAAFENGAR!
Census Taker: Can you spell that for me?
Lee Smith: S-M-I-T-H.
Census Taker: And thats pronounced
Lee Smith: BLAAARFENGAR!
Census Taker: Not Smith?
Lee Smith: They changed it at Ellis Island when I was there two weeks ago on a bingo cruise.
Census Taker: Okay. And your first name?
Lee Smith: BLAAARFENGAR!
Census Taker: And thats spelt?
Lee Smith: L-E-E.
Census Taker: So your name is Blaarfengar Blaarfengar spelt Lee Smith?
Lee Smith: Well back in school, they had to call me Blaarfengar B. because there was another girl in the class named Lee Jarvis.
Census Taker: Ok sure. Uh are there any people living in this residence part-time?
Lee Smith: Oh goodness yes. Theres Fluffy, Princess, Tigger, Socks
Census Taker: Oh and these are people were talking about here and not cats, right.
Lee Smith: Theres really no war of knowing. Sometimes when I see their big eyes looking up from my lap, I think thats definitely a homeless guy in a fur coat.
Census Taker: Honestly Ms. Blaarfengar, the government is just trying to ascertain
Lee Smith: Oh, Ascertain. That used to be my stripper name, but they recently changed it to BLAAARFENGAR.
Census Taker: Ok, you know what were done.
Lee Smith: Oh good. You have a good day, sir.[Broken glass]
Lee Smith: Fluffy, get down from there.[Enter Fluffy]
Fluffy: Oh, I was chasing a mouse.[Hugging] [Applause]
Submitted by: Adam Rapfogel