SNL Transcripts: Betty White: 05/08/10: 2010 Census Taker


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

2010 Census Taker

Census Taker…..Tina Fey
Lee Smith….. Betty White
Fluffy…..Kenan Thompson

[Outside of Apartment] [Census Taker knocks on the door, and Lee Smith opens the door.]

Census Taker: Hello ma’am, I’m a census taker with the U.S. Census Bureau.

Lee Smith: Oh terrific. Good for you, bye. [Starts to shut door]

Census Taker: [Re-open door] Hang on, um… you never returned your 2010 Census form, so if I could just ask you a few questions.

Lee Smith: Absolutely dear. Will I need a calculator?

Census Taker: No ma’am.

Lee Smith: ‘Cause I have one, but I took the batteries out to use them in a crotch massager.

Census Taker: No. You will not need a calculator. Uh… first question. How many people live at this residence?

Lee Smith: Zero.

Census Taker: You don’t live here?

Lee Smith: Oh, including me? Three.

Census Taker: Ok, well I’m gonna put you down as the primary resident.

Lee Smith: Terrific.

Census Taker: Now, how would you describe your race or ethic origin?

Lee Smith: Well, superior to Asians, but not as intelligent as Blacks.

Census Taker: Whoops! Let me clarify. Which of the following describes you? White, Asian, Hispanic, Pacific Islander…

Lee Smith: Oh, Pacific Islander, let’s try that… and don’t skimp on the rum.

Census Taker: Uh… what is your last name, ma’am?


Census Taker: Can you spell that for me?

Lee Smith: S-M-I-T-H.

Census Taker: And that’s pronounced…


Census Taker: Not Smith?

Lee Smith: They changed it at Ellis Island when I was there two weeks ago on a bingo cruise.

Census Taker: Okay. And your first name?


Census Taker: And that’s spelt?

Lee Smith: L-E-E.

Census Taker: So your name is Blaarfengar Blaarfengar spelt Lee Smith?

Lee Smith: Well back in school, they had to call me Blaarfengar B. because there was another girl in the class named Lee Jarvis.

Census Taker: Ok… sure. Uh… are there any people living in this residence part-time?

Lee Smith: Oh… goodness yes. There’s Fluffy, Princess, Tigger, Socks…

Census Taker: Oh… and these are people we’re talking about here and not cats, right.

Lee Smith: There’s really no war of knowing. Sometimes when I see their big eyes looking up from my lap, I think that’s definitely a homeless guy in a fur coat.

Census Taker: Honestly Ms. Blaarfengar, the government is just trying to ascertain…

Lee Smith: Oh, Ascertain. That used to be my stripper name, but they recently changed it to BLAAARFENGAR.

Census Taker: Ok, you know what… we’re done.

Lee Smith: Oh good. You have a good day, sir.

[Broken glass]

Lee Smith: Fluffy, get down from there.

[Enter Fluffy]

Fluffy: Oh, I was chasing a mouse.

[Hugging] [Applause]

Submitted by: Adam Rapfogel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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