SNL Transcripts: Betty White: 05/08/10: 2010 Census Taker

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

2010 Census Taker

Census Taker…..Tina Fey
Lee Smith….. Betty White
Fluffy…..Kenan Thompson

[Outside of Apartment] [Census Taker knocks on the door, and Lee Smith opens the door.]

Census Taker: Hello ma’am, I’m a census taker with the U.S. Census Bureau.

Lee Smith: Oh terrific. Good for you, bye. [Starts to shut door]

Census Taker: [Re-open door] Hang on, um… you never returned your 2010 Census form, so if I could just ask you a few questions.

Lee Smith: Absolutely dear. Will I need a calculator?

Census Taker: No ma’am.

Lee Smith: ‘Cause I have one, but I took the batteries out to use them in a crotch massager.

Census Taker: No. You will not need a calculator. Uh… first question. How many people live at this residence?

Lee Smith: Zero.

Census Taker: You don’t live here?

Lee Smith: Oh, including me? Three.

Census Taker: Ok, well I’m gonna put you down as the primary resident.

Lee Smith: Terrific.

Census Taker: Now, how would you describe your race or ethic origin?

Lee Smith: Well, superior to Asians, but not as intelligent as Blacks.

Census Taker: Whoops! Let me clarify. Which of the following describes you? White, Asian, Hispanic, Pacific Islander…

Lee Smith: Oh, Pacific Islander, let’s try that… and don’t skimp on the rum.

Census Taker: Uh… what is your last name, ma’am?


Census Taker: Can you spell that for me?

Lee Smith: S-M-I-T-H.

Census Taker: And that’s pronounced…


Census Taker: Not Smith?

Lee Smith: They changed it at Ellis Island when I was there two weeks ago on a bingo cruise.

Census Taker: Okay. And your first name?


Census Taker: And that’s spelt?

Lee Smith: L-E-E.

Census Taker: So your name is Blaarfengar Blaarfengar spelt Lee Smith?

Lee Smith: Well back in school, they had to call me Blaarfengar B. because there was another girl in the class named Lee Jarvis.

Census Taker: Ok… sure. Uh… are there any people living in this residence part-time?

Lee Smith: Oh… goodness yes. There’s Fluffy, Princess, Tigger, Socks…

Census Taker: Oh… and these are people we’re talking about here and not cats, right.

Lee Smith: There’s really no war of knowing. Sometimes when I see their big eyes looking up from my lap, I think that’s definitely a homeless guy in a fur coat.

Census Taker: Honestly Ms. Blaarfengar, the government is just trying to ascertain…

Lee Smith: Oh, Ascertain. That used to be my stripper name, but they recently changed it to BLAAARFENGAR.

Census Taker: Ok, you know what… we’re done.

Lee Smith: Oh good. You have a good day, sir.

[Broken glass]

Lee Smith: Fluffy, get down from there.

[Enter Fluffy]

Fluffy: Oh, I was chasing a mouse.

[Hugging] [Applause]

Submitted by: Adam Rapfogel

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