SNL Transcripts: Betty White: 05/08/10: CSI: Sarasota

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

CSI: Sarasota

Vivian Caruso….Betty White
Sy Horowitz….Rachel Dratch
Nurse….Nasim Pedrad
Jeffrey….Bill Hader
Dead old man….Will Forte

[CBS logo]

Announcer: Coming soon to CBS.

[Opens on a retirement home for the elderly, an old man is dead with his face on the table. A nurse consoles the old man’s friend]

Jeffrey: How did this happen?

Nurse: Don’t be sad Jeffrey. It was just his time.

Sy Horowitz: Not so fast! Was it just his time?

Vivian Caruso: [puts on sunglasses] Or the perfect crime?


[scenes of Miami, a golf cart with old dudes driving]

Announcer: You love the other CSI’s. [CSI NY, CSI SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT, CSI MIAMI WEEKENDS] But what happens when people retire and crime doesn’t? CSI SARASOTA


Announcer: Starring Sy Horowitz. [Sy eats pasta salad] and David Caruso’s great aunt Vivian Caruso.

Vivian Caruso: I’m not too old for this shit.

[back to elderly home]

Sy Horowitz: This is a real pro job. They made it look like he died of natural causes.

Nurse: No, he did.

Vivian Caruso: Oh, really? Since when does a 103 year old man simply drop dead?

[Jeffrey drops dead]

Nurse: Jeffrey!

Vivian Caruso: Looks like he’s fallen [puts on sunglasses] and he’ll never get up.


[CSI logo] [Vivian poses, arms crossed, sunglasses]

Announcer: She’s got a gun, a badge and a fanny pack full of “Sweet and Low’s” she stole from a Denny’s.

Sy Horowitz: These victims were over 95. See a pattern here?

Nurse: Yeah, they were both old.

Vivian Caruso: And who’s trying to murder old people?

Sy Horowitz: Immigrants!

Vivian Caruso: Si senor!


[CSI logo] [Vivian and Sy back to back]

Announcer: They’re asking the hard questions and giving out harder candy.

Vivian Caruso: Where were you at 3:15?

Sy Horowitz: And where’s the thermostat?

Vivian Caruso: And why don’t people dress up when they fly airplanes anymore?

Nurse: OK. You two need to take your medicine.

Sy Horowitz: Watch it, sweetie. Your mouth is writing checks your tush can’t cash!

Vivian Caruso: And eat something! What’s the matter? [puts on sunglasses] You don’t want to have a husband?


[Vivian blows on the barrel of her gun]

Announcer: They got a license to kill. And a license to drive before sundown.

Sy Horowitz: You think we’ll ever catch this guy?

Vivian Caruso: It’s like my underwear. [puts on sunglasses] Depends.


Announcer: On CSI Sarasota. This is your grandmother’s cop show. On CBS, the old people’s network.

[CBS logo]

Vivian Caruso: Speak up or shut up!

[CSI logo] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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