Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 21
CSI: Sarasota
Vivian Caruso….Betty White
Sy Horowitz….Rachel Dratch
Nurse….Nasim Pedrad
Jeffrey….Bill Hader
Dead old man….Will Forte
[CBS logo]
Announcer: Coming soon to CBS.
[Opens on a retirement home for the elderly, an old man is dead with his face on the table. A nurse consoles the old man’s friend]
Jeffrey: How did this happen?
Nurse: Don’t be sad Jeffrey. It was just his time.
Sy Horowitz: Not so fast! Was it just his time?
Vivian Caruso: [puts on sunglasses] Or the perfect crime?
The Who: YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
[scenes of Miami, a golf cart with old dudes driving]
Announcer: You love the other CSI’s. [CSI NY, CSI SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT, CSI MIAMI WEEKENDS] But what happens when people retire and crime doesn’t? CSI SARASOTA
[CSI SARASOTA logo]
Announcer: Starring Sy Horowitz. [Sy eats pasta salad] and David Caruso’s great aunt Vivian Caruso.
Vivian Caruso: I’m not too old for this shit.
[back to elderly home]
Sy Horowitz: This is a real pro job. They made it look like he died of natural causes.
Nurse: No, he did.
Vivian Caruso: Oh, really? Since when does a 103 year old man simply drop dead?
[Jeffrey drops dead]
Nurse: Jeffrey!
Vivian Caruso: Looks like he’s fallen [puts on sunglasses] and he’ll never get up.
The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
[CSI logo]
[Vivian poses, arms crossed, sunglasses]
Announcer: She’s got a gun, a badge and a fanny pack full of “Sweet and Low’s” she stole from a Denny’s.
Sy Horowitz: These victims were over 95. See a pattern here?
Nurse: Yeah, they were both old.
Vivian Caruso: And who’s trying to murder old people?
Sy Horowitz: Immigrants!
Vivian Caruso: Si senor!
The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
[CSI logo]
[Vivian and Sy back to back]
Announcer: They’re asking the hard questions and giving out harder candy.
Vivian Caruso: Where were you at 3:15?
Sy Horowitz: And where’s the thermostat?
Vivian Caruso: And why don’t people dress up when they fly airplanes anymore?
Nurse: OK. You two need to take your medicine.
Sy Horowitz: Watch it, sweetie. Your mouth is writing checks your tush can’t cash!
Vivian Caruso: And eat something! What’s the matter? [puts on sunglasses] You don’t want to have a husband?
The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!
[Vivian blows on the barrel of her gun]
Announcer: They got a license to kill. And a license to drive before sundown.
Sy Horowitz: You think we’ll ever catch this guy?
Vivian Caruso: It’s like my underwear. [puts on sunglasses] Depends.
The Who: YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Announcer: On CSI Sarasota. This is your grandmother’s cop show. On CBS, the old people’s network.
[CBS logo]
Vivian Caruso: Speak up or shut up!
[CSI logo]
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
