SNL Transcripts: Betty White: 05/08/10: CSI: Sarasota

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21








09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

CSI: Sarasota

Vivian Caruso….Betty White
Sy Horowitz….Rachel Dratch
Nurse….Nasim Pedrad
Jeffrey….Bill Hader
Dead old man….Will Forte

[CBS logo]

Announcer: Coming soon to CBS.

[Opens on a retirement home for the elderly, an old man is dead with his face on the table. A nurse consoles the old man’s friend]

Jeffrey: How did this happen?

Nurse: Don’t be sad Jeffrey. It was just his time.

Sy Horowitz: Not so fast! Was it just his time?

Vivian Caruso: [puts on sunglasses] Or the perfect crime?

The Who: YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[scenes of Miami, a golf cart with old dudes driving]

Announcer: You love the other CSI’s. [CSI NY, CSI SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT, CSI MIAMI WEEKENDS] But what happens when people retire and crime doesn’t? CSI SARASOTA

[CSI SARASOTA logo]

Announcer: Starring Sy Horowitz. [Sy eats pasta salad] and David Caruso’s great aunt Vivian Caruso.

Vivian Caruso: I’m not too old for this shit.

[back to elderly home]

Sy Horowitz: This is a real pro job. They made it look like he died of natural causes.

Nurse: No, he did.

Vivian Caruso: Oh, really? Since when does a 103 year old man simply drop dead?

[Jeffrey drops dead]

Nurse: Jeffrey!

Vivian Caruso: Looks like he’s fallen [puts on sunglasses] and he’ll never get up.

The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

[CSI logo] [Vivian poses, arms crossed, sunglasses]

Announcer: She’s got a gun, a badge and a fanny pack full of “Sweet and Low’s” she stole from a Denny’s.

Sy Horowitz: These victims were over 95. See a pattern here?

Nurse: Yeah, they were both old.

Vivian Caruso: And who’s trying to murder old people?

Sy Horowitz: Immigrants!

Vivian Caruso: Si senor!

The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[CSI logo] [Vivian and Sy back to back]

Announcer: They’re asking the hard questions and giving out harder candy.

Vivian Caruso: Where were you at 3:15?

Sy Horowitz: And where’s the thermostat?

Vivian Caruso: And why don’t people dress up when they fly airplanes anymore?

Nurse: OK. You two need to take your medicine.

Sy Horowitz: Watch it, sweetie. Your mouth is writing checks your tush can’t cash!

Vivian Caruso: And eat something! What’s the matter? [puts on sunglasses] You don’t want to have a husband?

The Who: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

[Vivian blows on the barrel of her gun]

Announcer: They got a license to kill. And a license to drive before sundown.

Sy Horowitz: You think we’ll ever catch this guy?

Vivian Caruso: It’s like my underwear. [puts on sunglasses] Depends.

The Who: YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Announcer: On CSI Sarasota. This is your grandmother’s cop show. On CBS, the old people’s network.

[CBS logo]

Vivian Caruso: Speak up or shut up!

[CSI logo] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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