SNL Transcripts: Betty White: 05/08/10: Debbie Downer

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21

09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Debbie Downer

Rachel Dratch…..Debbie Downer
Grandma Downer…..Betty White
Nelva…..Maya Rudolph
Linda…..Molly Shannon
Hostess…..Kristen Wiig
Wife #1…..Tina Fey
Wife #2…..Amy Poehler
Wife #3…..Ana Gasteyer

FADE IN:

[ EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT ] [ INT. HOUSE – NIGHT ] [ Several suburban housewives are gathered around, seated in the living room. The HOSTESS, dressed in a sleek, black dress, stands next to a basket of sexy lingerie. ]

Hostess: Okay neighbors, I hope you’re ready for my “Naughty Nightie Party”!

[ The ladies scream in delight. ]

Hostess: We have a lot of hot lingerie to look at and a lot of cold Pinot Grigio to knock back. So let’s get this party started!

Nelva: I want to buy something skimpy!

Linda: Go Nelva!

Wife #1: Ladies night! Yes!

Wife #2: This is a hoot!

Hostess: So first up – we have this lacy nightie called “Midnight Rhapsody”…

[ DEBBIE DOWNER comes in the front door. ]

Debbie Downer: Hey guys, sorry I’m late. I heard you were having a lingerie party. Warning — I probably won’t be purchasing any bras due to my vastly different cup sizes.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

[ DISSOLVE to JINGLE MONTAGE ]

Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[ Zoom on Debbie’s depressed face. ]

[ DISSOLVE to LIVING ROOM ]

[ Debbie takes a seat on the couch. ]

Hostess: And this little number is called “The Teddy Bare.” B-A-R-E.

Wife #3: Oh, I get it.

[ Everyone but Debbie chuckles. ]

Wife #1: Ladies night! Whoo!

[ The hostess holds up another low-cut designed lingerie piece. ]

Hostess: And this one is so sexy, your man won’t get a wink of sleep.

[ All but Debbie cheer. ]

Debbie Downer: I know what that’s like.

Wife #2: What what’s like?

Debbie Downer: Well, I have severe sleep apnea. Doctors are baffled. Sometimes I wake up upwards of 300 times a night.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

Linda: How did she find out about this party?

Wife #3: Nelva told her.

Linda: Good going, Nelva.

Nelva: We go to the same leg vein clinic.

[ The hostess holds out tiny pink panties. ]

Hostess: You guys are going to love these…

[ Except Debbie, everyone else coos. ]

Hostess: There called “Angel Briefs” and they’re designed Suzanne Somers.

[ Nelva grabs them. ]

Nelva: Do these panties come in bright yellow?

[ Nelva twirls the panties on her right index finger. Linda grabs them. ]

Linda: I’m going to put them on tonight.

Nelva: Oh la la.

Debbie Downer: Make sure to pre-wash all underwear, Linda. Recent swab studies found you’re toying with crab lice and strug-resistant staph.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

Nelva: Could we please get back to the sexy stuff!?

[ The ladies cheer. Wife #1 caresses a bottle of massage oil near her face. ]

Wife #1: Are these massage oils? Nice!

Wife #3: I just want Jim to give me a massage, but his massages just tickle.

Hostess: It’s flavored massage oil and it’s $15.99. Called “Harvest Peach”.

Linda: Yum! I’d love it if my Tom would cover me in oil.

Debbie Downer: You know who doesn’t loved being covered in oil? Sea birds. You guys heard about the oil spill, right?

Wife #2: Yeah… we heard about the oil spill.

Debbie Downer: Yep. I guess BP will stand for “Blight of the Pelican”.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with the sound of a squawking bird. ] [ Debbie grabs a glass of wine. ]

Debbie Downer: Hmmm. I can taste the sulphites in this wine.

[ Debbie takes a sip. ]

Wife #2: Good God!

Hostess: Okay, I have some—

Debbie Downer: Do you know Mandy from two blocks over?

[ The ladies agree in unison. ]

Linda: Is she going to come over?

Debbie Downer: She died.

[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]

Wife #2: What in the hot hell is wrong with you? We are just a bunch of suburban ladies trying to booze it up for one night without our families and you have to kill every freakin’ buzz we find! You like this!? I’m asking!! Seriously!?

[ Debbie begins to daydream. ] [ DISSOLVE to Debbie at age 10. ] [ INT. DOWNER HOUSE – DAY ] [ Debbie sits in front of a birthday cake lit with ten candles. She blows them all out. ]

Debbie Downer: I have so many good wishes and I hope they all come true!!

[ Debbie swipes her finger in the cake and licks the frosting off in one setting. ]

Debbie Downer: I love cake! It’s like your mouth’s a carnival!! Thanks Grandma!

[ The camera pans out to show GRANDMA DOWNER in a drab brown top and pants, sitting sullen at the other side of the birthday cake. ]

Grandma Downer: Enjoy it now, kiddo. Gluten allergies are rampant in our family. You’re going to have to restrict.

[ Camera closes in on Grandma’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ] [ DISSOLVE to LIVING ROOM ]

Debbie Downer: So the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. We should start trying things on… uh… heads up, my bikini line is in shambles.

[ Besides Debbie, the others get up and exit. ]

Debbie Downer: Guess I’ll rummage through this inventory and see if there’s a medical bra. Hope there’s one in gray beige.

[ The bras float up and start to flee. ]

Debbie Downer: Hey! Where are you guys going?

Jingle (V/O): “You can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[ Rachel stares at the camera and begins to laugh hard. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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