Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 21
Rachel Dratch…..Debbie Downer
Grandma Downer…..Betty White
Wife #1…..Tina Fey
Wife #2…..Amy Poehler
Wife #3…..Ana Gasteyer
FADE IN:[ EXT. HOUSE NIGHT ] [ INT. HOUSE NIGHT ] [ Several suburban housewives are gathered around, seated in the living room. The HOSTESS, dressed in a sleek, black dress, stands next to a basket of sexy lingerie. ]
Hostess: Okay neighbors, I hope youre ready for my Naughty Nightie Party![ The ladies scream in delight. ]
Hostess: We have a lot of hot lingerie to look at and a lot of cold Pinot Grigio to knock back. So lets get this party started!
Nelva: I want to buy something skimpy!
Linda: Go Nelva!
Wife #1: Ladies night! Yes!
Wife #2: This is a hoot!
Hostess: So first up – we have this lacy nightie called Midnight Rhapsody[ DEBBIE DOWNER comes in the front door. ]
Debbie Downer: Hey guys, sorry Im late. I heard you were having a lingerie party. Warning — I probably wont be purchasing any bras due to my vastly different cup sizes.
Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”
Hostess: And this little number is called The Teddy Bare. B-A-R-E.
Wife #3: Oh, I get it.[ Everyone but Debbie chuckles. ]
Wife #1: Ladies night! Whoo![ The hostess holds up another low-cut designed lingerie piece. ]
Hostess: And this one is so sexy, your man wont get a wink of sleep.
Debbie Downer: I know what thats like.
Wife #2: What whats like?
Debbie Downer: Well, I have severe sleep apnea. Doctors are baffled. Sometimes I wake up upwards of 300 times a night.[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]
Linda: How did she find out about this party?
Wife #3: Nelva told her.
Linda: Good going, Nelva.
Nelva: We go to the same leg vein clinic.[ The hostess holds out tiny pink panties. ]
Hostess: You guys are going to love these[ Except Debbie, everyone else coos. ]
Hostess: There called Angel Briefs and theyre designed Suzanne Somers.[ Nelva grabs them. ]
Nelva: Do these panties come in bright yellow?[ Nelva twirls the panties on her right index finger. Linda grabs them. ]
Linda: Im going to put them on tonight.
Nelva: Oh la la.
Debbie Downer: Make sure to pre-wash all underwear, Linda. Recent swab studies found youre toying with crab lice and strug-resistant staph.[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]
Nelva: Could we please get back to the sexy stuff!?[ The ladies cheer. Wife #1 caresses a bottle of massage oil near her face. ]
Wife #1: Are these massage oils? Nice!
Wife #3: I just want Jim to give me a massage, but his massages just tickle.
Hostess: Its flavored massage oil and its $15.99. Called Harvest Peach.
Linda: Yum! Id love it if my Tom would cover me in oil.
Debbie Downer: You know who doesnt loved being covered in oil? Sea birds. You guys heard about the oil spill, right?
Wife #2: Yeah we heard about the oil spill.
Debbie Downer: Yep. I guess BP will stand for Blight of the Pelican.[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with the sound of a squawking bird. ] [ Debbie grabs a glass of wine. ]
Debbie Downer: Hmmm. I can taste the sulphites in this wine.[ Debbie takes a sip. ]
Wife #2: Good God!
Hostess: Okay, I have some
Debbie Downer: Do you know Mandy from two blocks over?[ The ladies agree in unison. ]
Linda: Is she going to come over?
Debbie Downer: She died.[ Camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ]
Wife #2: What in the hot hell is wrong with you? We are just a bunch of suburban ladies trying to booze it up for one night without our families and you have to kill every freakin buzz we find! You like this!? Im asking!! Seriously!?[ Debbie begins to daydream. ] [ DISSOLVE to Debbie at age 10. ] [ INT. DOWNER HOUSE DAY ] [ Debbie sits in front of a birthday cake lit with ten candles. She blows them all out. ]
Debbie Downer: I have so many good wishes and I hope they all come true!![ Debbie swipes her finger in the cake and licks the frosting off in one setting. ]
Debbie Downer: I love cake! Its like your mouths a carnival!! Thanks Grandma![ The camera pans out to show GRANDMA DOWNER in a drab brown top and pants, sitting sullen at the other side of the birthday cake. ]
Grandma Downer: Enjoy it now, kiddo. Gluten allergies are rampant in our family. Youre going to have to restrict.[ Camera closes in on Grandmas face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh ] [ DISSOLVE to LIVING ROOM ]
Debbie Downer: So the apple didnt fall far from the tree. We should start trying things on uh heads up, my bikini line is in shambles.[ Besides Debbie, the others get up and exit. ]
Debbie Downer: Guess Ill rummage through this inventory and see if theres a medical bra. Hope theres one in gray beige.[ The bras float up and start to flee. ]
Debbie Downer: Hey! Where are you guys going?
Jingle (V/O): You can’t stop Debbie Downer!”[ Rachel stares at the camera and begins to laugh hard. ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs