Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 21
MacGruber III
MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Nana…..Betty White
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers:
“MacGruber!
He’s still working with his Grandma, but it’s gotten really teense!
MacGruber!
They haven’t really spoken for a couple of weeks now!
MacGruber!
He never had a breast reduction!”
[CUT to MacGruber’s Before-After breast reduction ad with a line through it.]
Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”
[CUT to a bobbytrapped bridge. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Boobytrapped Bridge.” CUT to a sign marked “Bridge Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Nana: [lightly struggling with locked door] Vicky, the door’s locked. How many seconds before MacGruber fails to diffuse the bomb?
MacGruber: [ aggravated ] Okay, this has gone on far enough! Look, seeing as it’s Mother’s Day… I think it’s time to end our little feud. Nana… [ romantically ] You are so special to me. You’re my rock. You wonder why I’m in my early 40’s and still haven’t settled down? Well, first of all, I went through a little gay phase — it was very short, but… that ate up some time. But, after that, I just couldn’t find the right person. I mean, I’ve been searching my whole life for a woman who’s as amazing as you. But there’s nobody out there who even comes close. You set the bar too darn high. I love you SO much!
Nana: [ touched ] I love you, too, Poop-casso.
MacGruber: Happy Mother’s Day. You mean the world to me. And it’s just a sham that in our society, you can’t marry your own grandma!
[ everyone chuckles, as MacGruber’s facial expression turns grimly serious ]
MacGruber: Or can you? [ he drops to one knee ] Nana… make me the happiest grandson on the face of the Earth. Will you marry me?
Nana: Are you out of your fucking mind?! [ a beat ] Yes!
[ they lean in for a close-up kiss ]
[CUT to the bridge exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[ fade ]
