Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 21
Betty White’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Betty White!
Betty White: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! I don’t believe this! I just can’t believe that I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Um, I’m not sure — you — many of you know that I’m 88 and a half years old, so it’s — well, it’s great to be here for a number of reasons!
You know, Im not new to live TV — in 1952, I starred in my first live sitcom, which was “Life with Elizabeth”. And, of course, back then we didnt want to do it live. We just didn’t know how to tape things. So I dont know what this show’s excuse is.
You know, I have so many people to thank for being here, but I really have to thank Facebook. [ the audience cheers wildly ] When I first heard about the campaign to get me to host “Saturday Night Live”, I didnt know what Facebook was. And, now that I do know what it is, I have to say… it sounds like a HUGE waste of time. [ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ] I would never say that people on it are losers… but thats only because Im polite.
People say, “But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.” Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends… I need a Ouji board. Needless to say, we didnt have Facebook when I was growing up. We had Phonebook, but… you wouldnt waste an afternoon on it. Facebook just sounds like a drag. In my day, seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. And, when we were kids, we didnt say we were single. We were just kids! It was weird if you weren’t single! Yes, we had poking… but… it wasnt something you did on a computer. It was — it was something you did on a hayride. Under a blanket. [ she strikes a nostalgic, faraway glance, then returns to Earth ] Oh! Sorry.
Things were a lot different when I was growing up. My father, Horace, was a traveling salesman, who moved our family to California during the Great Depression. I mean, thats the kind of stuff you only read about in novels. And, to think, Ive lived through a World War, worked on radio and films, on “Mary Tyler Moore”, and “The Golden Girls”… [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] And now Im here tonight because you wanted me to be here. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And I just want to say I feel so loved. Thank you. If I could, I would take you ALL on a big hayride. [ she gazes into the audience ] Starting with you, sir. No, not you. [ she cocks her head ] You.
Guess what? Jay-Z is here! [ the audience cheers ] And if I had a dime for every time I’ve said that, Id have one dime — which wasnt anything to shake a stick at in my day! We have a great show for you tonight, so stick around and we’ll be right back!