SNL Transcripts: Betty White: 05/08/10: Betty White’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 21




09u: Betty White / Jay-Z

Betty White’s Monologue

…..Betty White

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Betty White!

Betty White: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! I don’t believe this! I just can’t believe that I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Um, I’m not sure — you — many of you know that I’m 88 and a half years old, so it’s — well, it’s great to be here for a number of reasons!

You know, I’m not new to live TV — in 1952, I starred in my first live sitcom, which was “Life with Elizabeth”. And, of course, back then we didn’t want to do it live. We just didn’t know how to tape things. So I don’t know what this show’s excuse is.

You know, I have so many people to thank for being here, but I really have to thank Facebook. [ the audience cheers wildly ] When I first heard about the campaign to get me to host “Saturday Night Live”, I didn’t know what Facebook was. And, now that I do know what it is, I have to say… it sounds like a HUGE waste of time. [ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ] I would never say that people on it are losers… but that’s only because I’m polite.

People say, “But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.” Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends… I need a Ouji board. Needless to say, we didn’t have Facebook when I was growing up. We had Phonebook, but… you wouldn’t waste an afternoon on it. Facebook just sounds like a drag. In my day, seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment. And, when we were kids, we didn’t say we were single. We were just kids! It was weird if you weren’t single! Yes, we had poking… but… it wasn’t something you did on a computer. It was — it was something you did on a hayride. Under a blanket. [ she strikes a nostalgic, faraway glance, then returns to Earth ] Oh! Sorry.

Things were a lot different when I was growing up. My father, Horace, was a traveling salesman, who moved our family to California during the Great Depression. I mean, that’s the kind of stuff you only read about in novels. And, to think, I’ve lived through a World War, worked on radio and films, on “Mary Tyler Moore”, and “The Golden Girls”… [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] And now I’m here tonight because you wanted me to be here. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And I just want to say I feel so loved. Thank you. If I could, I would take you ALL on a big hayride. [ she gazes into the audience ] Starting with you, sir. No, not you. [ she cocks her head ] You.

[ she clears her throat ]

Guess what? Jay-Z is here! [ the audience cheers ] And if I had a dime for every time I’ve said that, I’d have one dime — which wasn’t anything to shake a stick at in my day! We have a great show for you tonight, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

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