Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 21
Scared Straight
Officer Sikorsky…..Jason Sudeikis
Lorenzo MacIntosh…..Kenan Thompson
Loretta MacIntosh…..Betty White
Teen 1….Bill Hader
Teen 2….Andy Samberg
Teen 3….Bobby Moynihan
(Opens with a shot of a police station. Cut to an interrogation room. An officer is sitting casually on his desk in front of the three seated teens)
Officer Sikorsky: All right, goofballs. I bet you think bullying your classmates is totally radical, huh? Well it’s not!
Teens: (looking disattached) Whatever.
Officer Sikorsky: Yeah, simultaneous “whatever,” Okay, alright, look. Somehow you still don’t get it, do ya, huh? So I invited two representatives from the Scared Straight program to come talk to you animals. Macintosh! Grand Mammie Macitosh! You wanna get In here?
(Lorenzo MacIntosh, a tough con wearing a brown prison uniform, a doo rag, and a weightlifting belt, enters with his grandmother, Loretta, another tough convict in a brown uniform and a shock of white hair.)
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Alright, here it comes! You alright, grammie? Alright now. My name is Lorenzo Macintosh.
Loretta MacIntosh: And I’m his grandmother Loretta Macintosh.
Lorenzo MacIntosh: But you can call us yo’ wedding day. Cause you gon’ get something old, something new… (puts up fists)
Loretta MacIntosh: Something black and something blue! (throws a punch)
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Now what they in here for?
Teen 1: We beat up a kid cause he’s poor…
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Boy! Shut yo’, shut yo’ damn mouth! (Pulls teen’s sweatshirt over his head) What you think we’ve never been poor? When I was young, my family was so poor that all four of my grandparents had to sleep head to toe on the same bed.
Loretta MacIntosh: I remember that!
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Then one day, I was eatin’ a bar of chocolate and I found a ticket inside of it. I believe it was silver or bronze or something like that.
Teens: It was golden…
Lorenzo MacIntosh: That’s what I said! It was a golden ticket. Pretty soon me and four other kids are touring a funky candy factory and some little orange dudes are teaching us lessons via song! Is that what you want? Hmm? Hmm?? You almost die from fizzy lifting drink and Slugworth wants your everlasting gobstopper? Cause this here is real!
Teen 1: Okay, so yeah, that’s just Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory…
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Woooooooo…
Loretta MacIntosh: Oh no…
Officer Sikorsky: (shaking his head) No way, no way
(Teen 1, expecting this, takes off his shoe and Lorenzo slams it onto the ground.)
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Woooooooo! Boy you better close yo’ damn mouth! Oh you be wonkin’ some willies alright and they gon’ be touring yo’ chocolate factory and giving you an everlasting buttstopper!
Teen 1: (disgusted) Noooooh!
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Man they gon’ ride you like a wonka-vator. Sideways, slantways, three ways and ten ways!
Loretta MacIntosh: And the tiny people won’t be orange. They’ll be freaky Hispanic and Chinese dudes.
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yea, they gon’ dance around you in the communal shower and sing (begins singing)
“Prison, prison, doo pah dee doo”
“A gang of Jamaicans is comin’ for you!”
Loretta MacIntosh: They’ll take ya to the boiler room and lay you down flat!
Lorenzo MacIntosh: “What does your rear end think
of
dat?”
“It doesn’t like the looks of it!”
Officer Sikorsky: Hey Macintosh! C’mon man, you can’t do that to a children’s song.
(The MacIntoshes return back to the front of the desk, with their hands up.)
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh. That’s on me chief. Here’s the ocean and I crossed it. Now all the natives got small pox. Heh heh heh heh.
Officer Sikorsky: (trying to control laughter) Alright, okay.
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Now which one of y’all is the ring leader?
(Teens point to teen 2.)
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Boy! Get up here. (pulls Teen 2 in front of Loretta)
Loretta MacIntosh: Ah, soo you think you’re the bees’ knees? You hippie!
Teen 2: Yeah, so what? I’m fed up with this one horse town.
Loretta MacIntosh: Now hush up! You’ve never think of I’ve never felt stuck in a small town?
Teen 2: Uh huh.
Loretta MacIntosh: Well, I recall my childhood in rural Kansas. (fantasy background music begins) I was bored to tears! ‘Til all of a sudden, a twister hit. It carried me to a magical land full of witches and wizards. Is that what you want? Is it?! You’re following a lion, a tin man and a scarecrow down a yellow brick road because this here. This right here. This is real.
Teen 3: Ok. (gets up, as background music ends) That’s Wizard of Oz!
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Heeeeeeeeyyyy!!!! (Shoves teens 2 and 3 back into their seats and starts punching at them. The teens struggle to keep down the laughs) No! It’s not! Ain’t no wizard of oz! (starts gnawing on Teen 3’s jacket) No! You do not interrupt one of grammie’s stories.
Loretta MacIntosh: (Begins roughing up Teen 3, who can’t help laughing)You keep that up, and you’ll be playing twister on the floor of the prison bathroom! (A sneaker is thrown at them from offstage, Loretta throws it back.)
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yeah, thats right! And it won’t be no lion, a tin man and a scarecrow. It’ll be you, lying down, while ten men make you a scared ho!
Loretta MacIntosh: And don’t behind the shower curtain, you’ll meet the wonderful wizard of ass!
Officer Sikorsky: Woah! Hey! Macintoshes! C’mon! Good Lord.
(The MacIntoshes return to the front of the desk, with their hands up.)
Officer Sikorsky: You kiss your grandmother with that mouth?
Loretta MacIntosh: Yes he does.
Lorenzo MacIntosh: Aww. (Kisses his grandmother affectionately on the forehead and she pats his on the chest)
Loretta MacIntosh: I love you.
Lorenzo MacIntosh: I love you grammie. Alright, we out!
Officer Sikorsky: Uh huh. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. (finds the sneaker on his desk and throws it back.) Good work.
Loretta MacIntosh: Wizard! Of! Ass!
Officer Sikorsky: Hey! Hey! Where you going?
(He follows her out. End of sketch.)
Submitted by: Tony DuMont
