SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Bedelia’s Birthday Cookout

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 221

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Bedelia’s Birthday Cookout

Bedelia…..Nasim Pedrad
Dad…..Alec Baldwin
Girl 1…..Jenny Slate
Girl 2…..Abby Elliott
Boy 1…..Bobby Moynihan
Boy 2…..Andy Samberg
Boy 3…..Bill Hader

[ open on suburban backyard during outdoor cookout ]

[ Bedelia approaches her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: Hey, Dad!

Dad: Belinda, what are you doing over here?

Bedelia: [ chipper ] Mom’s putzing around the kitchen. She wanted some elbow room, so I figured I’d take a shift on the grill!

Dad: Honey, it’s your birthday! I’ll handle the grilling!

Bedelia: Cool! I’ll be your wingman! Nothing I’d rather do than flip some dogs with my homey!

Dad: Bedelia, these kids are all here for your birthday party. Go have fun!

Bedelia: Hey, Goofball, I AM having fun! [ she laughs awkwardly ]

Dad: No, I mean like normal teenager fun. [ pointing ] Look, your buddies are over there — go and say “Hi.”

Bedelia: Okay! Roger that!

[ Bedelia approaches two girls standing off to the side ]

Bedelia: Hi, guys!

Girl 1: [ ignoring Bedelia as she consults her cellphone’s text-messaging ] So he just said he got his permit, so… we’re still together.

Bedelia: Dudes! I was just on Grill Duty with my Dad! He’s so solid! He’s like… all cajones!

Girl 2: Why would you want to hang out with your Dad?

Bedelia: [ stunned ] Alright. Let’s go there! He knws his way around the woodshop, he calls me out on my B.S., he recommends great restaurants. I mean, look at him: The guy’s epic!

[ over at the grill, Dad burns his finger on the rack ]

Dad: Ow!

Bedelia: You know the book, 1776? He’s read it! Anyway, don’t be shy! Swing by and razz him about his man-apron! [ she laughs ] He’ll love that!

[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: Hey, Tough Guy!

Dad: Hi, Sweetie.

Bedelia: Dad!

[ Dad looks up, as Bedelia psyches a menacing stance ]

Bedelia: Psyche! We’re good. [ she makes him bump fists with her ] Hey, you wanna go listen to some Santana B-sides on vinyl?

Dad: Bedelia, your friends are getting ready to get into the pool. Don’t you think that they want you to join them?

Bedelia: For sure! Hey! [ Dad looks up ] Show me where I got that dimple! [ Dad grins sheepishly ] Yeah, you did!

[ Dad tends to the grill, as Bedelia stands by awkwardly ]

Bedelia: Heard Mom doesn’t want any more kids. You getting snipped?

Dad: Bedelia!

Bedelia: [ snickering ] That’s gotta chap your ass, huh, Dad!

Dad: Honey, look — you know your mother and I love spending time with you —

Bedelia: Yeah, you should! We have great chemistry!

Dad: We do. But you need to spend time — MORE time — with people in your own peer group. And this birthday party is a great opportunity to do that. Now, march over to those goofy-looking boys over there, and go talk to them.

Bedelia: Okay! Later, gator!

[ Bedelia approaches the two boys standing off to the side ]

Boy 1: You can’t cup a fart in a plastic cup!

Boy 2: I’m telling you, I did it!

Bedelia: Hey, guys! Enjoying my Dad’s lawn? [ she giggles ] He puts the hours in!

Boy 1: Hey, Bedelia.

Boy 2: How old did you turn, anyway?

Bedelia: Me? I’m fourteen. My Dad? He’s timeless! You guys check out his hairline? It’s not going anywhere!

Boy 2: Uhh…

Bedelia: He keeps it fit, too! He’s on a regimen, kind of a modified South Beach. He’s already trimmed off a few L.B.’s, and I can only imagine it’s carried off into the bedroom!

Boy 2: Eeuuugghh!! Are you talking about your parents having sex?!

Bedelia: Hey! Our parents don’t have sex, we’re not here! Am I right?

Boy 1: Yeah, but still

Bedelia: Guys! Let’s be mature about this! The flame of passion isn’t just a lighter you flick on and off! It’s a delicate fire that has to be fed and fanned! [ the guys look at her, disgusted ] BYE!!

[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: What’s up, Del Sackies!

Dad: Honey!

Bedelia: Seriously, Dad — you ARE the most interesting man in the world! Own it! [ she laughs ] Have I ever told you I think I got your legs?

Dad: Bedelia —

Bedelia: What’s up?

Dad: Alright, listen to me: Sweetie, you are a very interesting and unique young woman. I’d go so far as to say that you are incredibly cool.

Bedelia: [ pointing ] Apple… tree, Dad.

Dad: No! Stop! Look: What you need to do is spend time with people your own age. Teenagers don’t hang out with their parents! You want to know why? Because parents are DORKS!

Bedelia: What are you trying to say?

Dad: Honey! Look at me! [ he acknowledges his full dress ] Look at my shorts!

Bedelia: Yeah! They’re classic J.C. Penney shorts.

Dad: I’m wearing sandals with socks!

Bedelia: It’s poison ivy season! You’re being sensible —

Dad: You’re missing the point! You’re missing the point! I want you to start having fun, making mistakes, and being an idiot — and NOT with me. Do you understand?

Bedelia: I think so. Loud and clear, Chief.

[ a third boy steps forward ]

Boy 3: Sorry to interrupt. I wonder if I could use your phone? Feels like a pretty sweet opportunity to check in with my parents, let them know I’m okay.

Bedelia: Wow! That’s super thoughtful!

Boy 3: I figured it takes me two seconds to make the call, and save them…

Together: A WORLD OF WORRY!!

Boy 3: Wow!

Bedelia: Courtesy’s contagious, huh? [ to Dad ] Hey, Dad! mind if I go show him where the phone is?

[ disappointed ] Nothing would make me happier.

Bedelia: [ to the boy ] Let’s do this! Hey! You play your cards right, I’ll give you a quick glimpse of my parents’ wedding album!

Boy 3: Sco-o-o-ore!!

[ they walk off, as Dad shakes his head ]

[ fade ]

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