Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 22
Swim Team Awards
Soccer Coach…..Will Forte
Coach Rooney…..Alec Baldwin
Mike Santoro….Bill Hader
Rachel Morris….Jenny Slate
Julie Duvenr….Abby Elliott
Bradley Cuffling….Andy Samberg
John Wentworth….Bobby Moynihan
Luke Summers….Fred Armisen
Pete O’Connel….Jason Sudeikis
Paul Williams….Kenan Thompson
Marigold Jennings….Nasim Pedrad
[Opens with a shot of a building at night. Cut to the inside. A sign announces Hudson Valley High School Sports Awards. 7:00pm.]
[Cut to a proud as hell coach in mid-speech]
Soccer Coach: …and when we hoisted that trophy over our heads, I knew this was the greatest soccer team that I have ever coached. You’re warriors, you’re champions. And I love you guys. [pumps fist up]
[Coach leaves, teacher goes to the podium]
Teacher: Hudson Valley Soccer State Champions yet again. Now we turn our attention to the swim team. I don’t think they won a single race this year. But on the plus side, nobody died. [embarrassing applause] Ok, so let’s welcome our most unique coach. Coach Rooney.
[applause, teacher sits, Rooney is up to the podium]
[Coach Rooney has longish blond hair, he’s in a bad mood and talks with a sort of Aussie accent]
Coach Rooney: All right. Let’s get this nightmare over with. I’m trying to keep my remarks brief. Considering I’m suppose to say nice things, it shouldn’t be a problem. Let’s start with the participation awards, AKA the losers. Mike Santoro, get up here. [gives trophy to Mike] Now get the hell away from me. [Mike leaves fast]
Rachel Morris. This kid couldn’t float in outer space. [gives her the trophy] She swallowed more water than the filter. [Rachel leaves embarrassed]
Julie Duvner? I call this kid the instant drowning victim, just add water. [gives her the trophy, she leaves with sad look]
Bradley Cuffling? Oh, my God! I actually encouraged him to pee in the pool, in hopes it would help propel him forward. [gives Bradley his trophy, Bradley embarrassed] But despite doing number one in the pool, he still swam like number two. [Bradley leaves]
Then we got John “Titanic” Wentworth. [overweight kid] He swam with his t-shirt on. That really struck fear in thehearts of our competitors. [gives the trophy, kid leaves pouting]
Luke Summers. [nerdy kid] The kid has two things in common with Greg Louganis: He hit his head on the diving board, and I’ll let you figure out the second thing. [Luke leaves with his trophy all ashamed]
Oh, and I almost forgot, Pete O’Connel. [Pete steps up, gets the trophy] Congratulations, Pete.[angry whisper] I hate you.
Pete O’Connel: Not as much as I hate you.
Coach Rooney: No, I hate you more, Pete. I promise you, I hate you more. Go. [Pete leaves]
All right, now it’s time for the most improved award. That goes to: My hatred for this children. [holds trophy up] Actually had that written on the plaque. [puts trophy down]
I also had to give the perfect attendance award, ironically, to Paul Williams. [black kid steps up] He didn’t come to a single practice. Until tonight, I didn’t even know he was black. Good work, buddy. [bumps fists with Paul]
Paul Williams: Ha, thanks Coach. [leaves]
Coach Rooney: Ok, I’m having an affair with the mother of this next kid. She’s the light of my life. Not the kid, the mom. The kid is a trainwreck. And to her father, I just would like to say: [into the audience] No, no, you just shut up, Jerry!! You just sit down! You’re a coward! You never appreciated her! Ok, Marigold Jennings come up here now. [Marigold shocked, embarrassed face steps up] You get the, uh, I don’t know. The spirit award, some b.s. [gives her trophy, she leaves] Just stay the hell out of your mom’s room.
And of course, there’s the MVP award. I can’t put enough sarcastic quotations marks around those three letters! [makes crazy quotation marks] You know, I never thought I’d pray for a kid to die until I met — until I met this next vulture. Hey, Wally! You want your award? [throws trophy to the side of the room] Go and fetch it, ok?! That’s all I got for you animals! There’s a surprise waiting for you in the parking lot. I just slashed all your tires. Have a great summer!
[Makes obscene gestures, slaps his ass to the crowd, he is hit with plastic cups]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel