Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 221
Alec Baldwin’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!
Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! I’m so happy to be here hosting the season finale of “Saturday Night Live”. I am proud to say that this is my fifteenth time hosting — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Putting me 14 shows ahead of Ms. Betty White.
Now that I’ve hit the 15-mark, I tie Steve Martin for most tmes hosting this show. Some people think that Steve and I have some sort of rivalry, and that’s… ridiculous. We just hosted the Oscars together, and we’re good friends. In fact, Steve agreed to be here tonight, via satellite. Steve Martin, everybody!
[ Alec claps, as a TV is wheeled out, with Steve Martin on-screen ]
Steve Martin: Hello, everyone! I’d like to thank all my friends at Facebook Mexico, for demanding that I appear in this “Saturday Night Live” monologue. You know, when I first started —
[ Alec holds up a remote control and clicks the TV off, smiling ]
Alec Baldwin: Oh, no! Must be satellite trouble! I wish we could have heard more from Steve.
[ suddenly, the TV clicks right back on, with Steve pointing a remote control toward the screen ]
Steve Martin: Ah! Found the remote! [ continuing ] And I’d like to congratulate you, Alec —
[ Alec rolls the TV off-camera ]
Alec Baldwin: Being here is always an honor. But, earlier this week, I had another exciting honor: Giving the commencement address for New York University at Yankee Stadium. Do we have a photo?
[ cut to a photograph of Yankee Stadium ]
Uh, I was hoping for a photo of me giving the speech. Anyway — it was a thrill. I received an honorary doctorate in Fine Arts, so, from now on, I would like you all to call me… Dr. Alec Baldwin, OB-GYN.
You know, NYU is my alma mater, but, in a sense, so is SNL. So I’d like to deliver… the SNL Commencement Address:
“Distinuished guests… audience members… to all of you watching at home tonight or, more realistically, Monday orning on a computer… We’ve come to the end of another season of “Saturday Night Live”. But we did not get to this point alone. I think we should take a moment to thank our families for all the have done for us. Family — [ the audience cheers ] Family should always come first. Your relatives should be valued above all others. Here, in this order: My brother, Billy, first… and then my brother Daniel and Stephen kind of jockeying back and forth for second position. I’ll wrap things up; I’m not one of those people who loves to hear the sound of his voice. I don’t have to, because so many other people love the sound of my voice. It’s an incredible voice. But I want to share a piece of advice: Follow your dreams. They can take you to some amazing places. You know, 20 years ago there was a young movie star living in Hollywood, but he wanted more. So he worked and he worke,d and he dreamed and he dreamed. Yes, he had his share of setbacks, including a difficult public divorce from a beautiful, complicated actress… but he never lost hope, and his dream came true. Because today that movie star’s on a sitcom, and he’s happy. Happier than he’s ever been. How do I know? Because, ladies and gentlemen, that man… is Charlie Sheen.
We have a great show tonight! Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here!