SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Snipers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22








09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Snipers

Master Sniper….Alec Baldwin
Sampson….Jason Sudeikis
Haley….Kenan Thompson

[opens with an Academy building. Scout Sniper School, Quantico Virginia]

[Two sniper candidates lay down on a grassy knoll pointing high-powered rifles. The Master Sniper lays in the middle of the candidates]

Master Sniper: All right, you pansies! You trained 10 weeks for this moment. You wanna be snipers?

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: You think you got what it takes?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Then hear this! You do not fire your weapon until you hear me give the exact order! Human life is at stake and you need to be 100% certain before you pull that trigger! 100%! Is that clear?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Locked and loaded!

Both Snipers: Lock and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: Do you have it locked?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Are you loaded?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: THEN TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!

[silence]

Haley: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!!

Sampson: What?

Master Sniper: Stand down the both of you! [rolls right next to Sampson] Where are you from Sampson?

Sampson: Kansas City, Missouri, sir!

Master Sniper: Show me state, huh?

Sampson: Uh-huh.

Master Sniper: Then you better show me what you got! And TAY DA SHAAAAAA!!!!

Sampson: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!

Sampson: I’m sorry, sir. I can’t clarify the order. I just want to make sure that I’m hearing you right.

Master Sniper: Stand down! [rolls next to Haley] What about you Haley? Do you want to be a sniper?

Haley: Yes! I want to serve my country, sir!

Master Sniper: You ever sit alone in the dark and let your mind take control of your soul and try to play God?

Haley: I’m sorry?

Master Sniper: Yes or no! Are you God?! I’ll give a hint—you are!

Haley: Uh, ok.

Master Sniper: Now Haley, tay da shaaa.

Haley: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: Oh, I’m sorry, do you need me to enunciate?

Haley: Yes.

Master Sniper: Tay da shaaaa….TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!!

Sampson: We can’t understand what you order, sir!

[Master Sniper rolls next to Sampson]

Master Sniper: What the hell did you say to me?!

Sampson: Nothing, sir!

Master Sniper: Well, it sounded like you said something!

Sampson: No, sir!

Master Sniper: All right, then don’t move! I got to use the john! [rolls over Sampson out of sight]

Sampson: Oh! He’s saying take the shot, right?

Haley: I don’t know! Why does he say it like that?

Sampson: I do–, I mean, it must be some kind of test—[Master Sniper rolls over Sampson and parks himself next to him] Oh!

Master Sniper: False alarm. I didn’t have to go. I was just laying on my bladder weird. What did I miss? Anyone tay da shaa?

Sampson: No, sir!

Master Sniper: Locked and loaded?!

Both Snipers: Locked and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: All right. [Master Sniper gets fully mounted on top of Sampson, then rolls out to Haley]. All right, Haley. I’m just gonna put my hand on the small of your back.

Haley: May I inquire, sir?

Master Sniper: No, you may not! But you know what you can do?

Haley: What’s that, sir?

Master Sniper: You can tay da shaaaa!

Haley: Are you telling me to take the shot?

Master Sniper: I tell you to tay da shaaaa. Now hold yo’ fieee and tay da shaaaa!

Haley: I should hold my fire or should I take the shot?

Master Sniper: Hold yo fieee, tay da shaaaaaa!!

Haley: Oh, man! This is messed up!

Master Sniper: Stand down! [rolls next to Sampson] Locked and loaded?!

Sampson: Locked and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: Good. [ Sampson gets fully mounted by the Master Sniper] God, you must be addicted to—

Sampson: Wait a minute. What are you doing?

Master Sniper: You must be addicted to doing squats.

Sampson: Oh! Excuse me, sir?

Master Sniper: I said locked and loaded!

Sampson: Ok.

Master Sniper: Enemy target at 75 meters!

Sampson: [aiming] I have it locked.

Master Sniper: Do you?!

Sampson: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Are you sure?!

Sampson: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Then tay da shaaa but hold yo fieeeee!!!!

Sampson: Are you ordering me to take the shot, sir?

Master Sniper: What part of hold yo fieee and tay da shaaa don’t you understand, boy?!

Sampson: All of it, sir!

Master Sniper: Take aim, soldier! Hold yo fieee, tay da shaaaa!!!!

Sampson: I should take the shot?!

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAA!!!!

[Sampson fires]

POW!

Man: [off camera] Ow! Who the hell just shot me?!

Master Sniper: Oops.

Sampson: Ooops?! You told me to take the shot!

Master Sniper: No, I didn’t. I told you to “Tay the shaw”. That’s military slang for “stand down”.

Haley: But you also said: “stand down”!

Master Sniper: Yeah, I’m inconsistent.

Sampson: What?! What the hell was “hold yo fiee”?

Master Sniper: I don’t know! It’s some vodoo chick! I lived in Honduras.

Sampson: What?!

Master Sniper: Now, let ge’ ou’ of here!!!

[The trio rolls out of the grassy knoll]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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