Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 22
09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Snipers
Master Sniper….Alec Baldwin
Sampson….Jason Sudeikis
Haley….Kenan Thompson
[opens with an Academy building. Scout Sniper School, Quantico Virginia]
[Two sniper candidates lay down on a grassy knoll pointing high-powered rifles. The Master Sniper lays in the middle of the candidates]
Master Sniper: All right, you pansies! You trained 10 weeks for this moment. You wanna be snipers?
Both Snipers: Yes, sir!
Master Sniper: You think you got what it takes?!
Both Snipers: Yes, sir!
Master Sniper: Then hear this! You do not fire your weapon until you hear me give the exact order! Human life is at stake and you need to be 100% certain before you pull that trigger! 100%! Is that clear?!
Both Snipers: Yes, sir!
Master Sniper: Locked and loaded!
Both Snipers: Lock and loaded, sir!
Master Sniper: Do you have it locked?!
Both Snipers: Yes, sir!
Master Sniper: Are you loaded?!
Both Snipers: Yes, sir!
Master Sniper: THEN TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!
[silence]
Haley: Excuse me?
Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!!
Sampson: What?
Master Sniper: Stand down the both of you! [rolls right next to Sampson] Where are you from Sampson?
Sampson: Kansas City, Missouri, sir!
Master Sniper: Show me state, huh?
Sampson: Uh-huh.
Master Sniper: Then you better show me what you got! And TAY DA SHAAAAAA!!!!
Sampson: Excuse me?
Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!
Sampson: I’m sorry, sir. I can’t clarify the order. I just want to make sure that I’m hearing you right.
Master Sniper: Stand down! [rolls next to Haley] What about you Haley? Do you want to be a sniper?
Haley: Yes! I want to serve my country, sir!
Master Sniper: You ever sit alone in the dark and let your mind take control of your soul and try to play God?
Haley: I’m sorry?
Master Sniper: Yes or no! Are you God?! I’ll give a hint—you are!
Haley: Uh, ok.
Master Sniper: Now Haley, tay da shaaa.
Haley: Excuse me?
Master Sniper: Oh, I’m sorry, do you need me to enunciate?
Haley: Yes.
Master Sniper: Tay da shaaaa….TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!!
Sampson: We can’t understand what you order, sir!
[Master Sniper rolls next to Sampson]
Master Sniper: What the hell did you say to me?!
Sampson: Nothing, sir!
Master Sniper: Well, it sounded like you said something!
Sampson: No, sir!
Master Sniper: All right, then don’t move! I got to use the john! [rolls over Sampson out of sight]
Sampson: Oh! He’s saying take the shot, right?
Haley: I don’t know! Why does he say it like that?
Sampson: I do–, I mean, it must be some kind of test—[Master Sniper rolls over Sampson and parks himself next to him] Oh!
Master Sniper: False alarm. I didn’t have to go. I was just laying on my bladder weird. What did I miss? Anyone tay da shaa?
Sampson: No, sir!
Master Sniper: Locked and loaded?!
Both Snipers: Locked and loaded, sir!
Master Sniper: All right. [Master Sniper gets fully mounted on top of Sampson, then rolls out to Haley]. All right, Haley. I’m just gonna put my hand on the small of your back.
Haley: May I inquire, sir?
Master Sniper: No, you may not! But you know what you can do?
Haley: What’s that, sir?
Master Sniper: You can tay da shaaaa!
Haley: Are you telling me to take the shot?
Master Sniper: I tell you to tay da shaaaa. Now hold yo’ fieee and tay da shaaaa!
Haley: I should hold my fire or should I take the shot?
Master Sniper: Hold yo fieee, tay da shaaaaaa!!
Haley: Oh, man! This is messed up!
Master Sniper: Stand down! [rolls next to Sampson] Locked and loaded?!
Sampson: Locked and loaded, sir!
Master Sniper: Good. [ Sampson gets fully mounted by the Master Sniper] God, you must be addicted to—
Sampson: Wait a minute. What are you doing?
Master Sniper: You must be addicted to doing squats.
Sampson: Oh! Excuse me, sir?
Master Sniper: I said locked and loaded!
Sampson: Ok.
Master Sniper: Enemy target at 75 meters!
Sampson: [aiming] I have it locked.
Master Sniper: Do you?!
Sampson: Yes, sir!
Master Sniper: Are you sure?!
Sampson: Yes, sir!
Master Sniper: Then tay da shaaa but hold yo fieeeee!!!!
Sampson: Are you ordering me to take the shot, sir?
Master Sniper: What part of hold yo fieee and tay da shaaa don’t you understand, boy?!
Sampson: All of it, sir!
Master Sniper: Take aim, soldier! Hold yo fieee, tay da shaaaa!!!!
Sampson: I should take the shot?!
Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAA!!!!
[Sampson fires]
POW!
Man: [off camera] Ow! Who the hell just shot me?!
Master Sniper: Oops.
Sampson: Ooops?! You told me to take the shot!
Master Sniper: No, I didn’t. I told you to “Tay the shaw”. That’s military slang for “stand down”.
Haley: But you also said: “stand down”!
Master Sniper: Yeah, I’m inconsistent.
Sampson: What?! What the hell was “hold yo fiee”?
Master Sniper: I don’t know! It’s some vodoo chick! I lived in Honduras.
Sampson: What?!
Master Sniper: Now, let ge’ ou’ of here!!!
[The trio rolls out of the grassy knoll]
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
