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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 221
Gram Lampton…..Alec Baldwin
Penny Schmeer…..Kristen Wiig
Alternate Gram…..Kenan Thompson
Alternate Penny…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: [ over card ] The following is a paid advertisement for the Gram Lampton “Timecrowave”.[ dissolve to set with microwave positioned in front of the window ]
Gram Lampton: Hi, I’m Gram Lampton.
Penny Schmeer: And I’m two-time Miss Indiana runner-up, Penny Schmeer. Hey, Gram, nice to see ya’!
Gram Lampton: Nice to be here, Penny!
Penny Schmeer: Boy, have we got a special treat for you today.
Gram Lampton: We sure do, Penny. You know, the world is moving fast these days, and the last thing I need to do is waste time waiting around for my food.
Penny Schmeer: [ cheerily ] What do you mean?
Gram Lampton: You know how it is: You take it out of the freezer, put it in the microwave, wait two minutes, turn it, pop it back in, and wait another two minutes.
Penny Schmeer: Ugh, wow… that sounds like a NIGHTMARE!
Gram Lampton: You said it, Penny. That’s why I’ve invented… [ points to his creation ] The Timecrowave!
Penny Schmeer: Hmm. Timecrowave?
Gram Lampton: That’s right, the Timecrowave. It’s the only microwave equipped with time travel capabilities.
Penny Schmeer: How does it work?
Gram Lampton: It’s simple. [ Timecrowave hums ] I’m hungry right now. So I just open my Timecrowave, and… [ he pulls out a TV dinner ] Voila! My roast beef dinner is waiting for me, and it’s piping hot!
Penny Schmeer: [ chuckling ] Wow! That looks delicious! But where did that food come from?
Gram Lampton: [ matter-of-factly ] The future!
Penny Schmeer: Come on!
Gram Lampton: I’m serious. Later on, when I’m done eating the roast beef dinner, all I have to do is take a roast beef dinner out of the freezer, put it in the Timecrowave, then send it BACK in time, to the EXACT time that I pulled out the hot meal earlier.
Penny Schmeer: Sounds simple. Now, what happens if you forget to send your meal back in time?
Gram Lampton: Well, Penny, if you forget to send the exact meal you ate back in time, you’ll create a paradox, where small differences may start to occur in the space-time continuum.
Penny Schmeer: Oh, boy! Just because you want your food fast, you might cause a paradox in time? I don’t know, Gram… isn’t that kind of dangerous?[ Gram now sports a full moustache ]
Gram Lampton: It could be. The differences could range from very small, to changing history. But I’m sure that something like that will never happen![ Penny now sports a shaggy moustache of her own ]
Penny Schmeer: Well, this I’ve got to hear! How have you done that, Gram?[ Gram is now a Black man ]
Gram Lampton: You see… each meal comes with a card that reminds you you must put the original frozen meal in the Timecrowave and send it back in time.[ Penny is now a transvestite male ]
Penny Schmeer: Oh! [ she laughs ] That DOES sound safe! Seems like you’ve thought of EVERYTHING!
Gram Lampton: And it works for people like me. You know, I’m always forgetting things: “Where are my car keys?” “Where are my gloves?”[ Penny is now back to normal, though the American flags down the street outside the window now have Nazi emblems ]
Penny Schmeer: [ laughing ] Now, Gram… how do you know your food has been sent back in time?
Gram Lampton: Well, after you press the START button, you will feel a low-grade electrical charge in your body. That’s how you know that it’s working.
Penny Schmeer: Oh. Sounds like a snap! Now, tell me, how is the food cooked?[ over animated demonstration ]
Gram Lampton: Well… it’s the time-travel that cooks it. A blast of cosmic radiation creates a tight seal around the frozen dinner. As it travels back from time, thousands of micro-tryhedrian time particles pass through the food, causing it to steam in its own juices.
Gram Lampton: And that’s how it creates the prefect dinner, every time![ Penny also has horns coming out of her head, and the exterior window view is covered with apocalyptic flames ]
Penny Schmeer: Sounds delicious!
Gram Lampton: Remember that dinner I pulled out at the beginning of the show, Gwyntyth?
Penny Schmeer: Oh, yeah — of course I remember the dinner from earlier. The one you said we need to remember to send back in time.[ Gram is now dressed as Dr. Zaius from “The Planet of the Apes” ]
Gram Lampton: Yes. I was going to set the Timecrowave to the date in time we pulled it out. [ he opens the Timecrowave door ] Now, I just pop this chicken dinner in and send it back in time. [ he presses buttons ] [ the exterior window view reveals the Statue of Liberty waistdeep in sand ]
Penny Schmeer: Wait a minute, Gram… Did you say chicken? I — i’m not sure, but wasn’t it a roast beef dinner?[ Gram is now back to normal ]
Gram Lampton: Oh! Was it? Are you sure? I’m sure nothing bad will happen.[ the Timecrowave dings ] [ the exterior window view now reveals a giant kitty cat looking in and making a threatening meowing sound ]
Announcer: [ over card ] We’ll be right back with Gram Lampton’s “Timecrowave”, after this.[ loud meowing sound effect ] [ fade ]