SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Timecrowave


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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 221

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers


Gram Lampton…..Alec Baldwin
Penny Schmeer…..Kristen Wiig
Alternate Gram…..Kenan Thompson
Alternate Penny…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: [ over card ] The following is a paid advertisement for the Gram Lampton “Timecrowave”.

[ dissolve to set with microwave positioned in front of the window ]

Gram Lampton: Hi, I’m Gram Lampton.

Penny Schmeer: And I’m two-time Miss Indiana runner-up, Penny Schmeer. Hey, Gram, nice to see ya’!

[ the two are obviously reading from cue cards ]

Gram Lampton: Nice to be here, Penny!

Penny Schmeer: Boy, have we got a special treat for you today.

Gram Lampton: We sure do, Penny. You know, the world is moving fast these days, and the last thing I need to do is waste time waiting around for my food.

Penny Schmeer: [ cheerily ] What do you mean?

Gram Lampton: You know how it is: You take it out of the freezer, put it in the microwave, wait two minutes, turn it, pop it back in, and wait another two minutes.

Penny Schmeer: Ugh, wow… that sounds like a NIGHTMARE!

Gram Lampton: You said it, Penny. That’s why I’ve invented… [ points to his creation ] The Timecrowave!

Penny Schmeer: Hmm. Timecrowave?

Gram Lampton: That’s right, the Timecrowave. It’s the only microwave equipped with time travel capabilities.

Penny Schmeer: How does it work?

Gram Lampton: It’s simple. [ Timecrowave hums ] I’m hungry right now. So I just open my Timecrowave, and… [ he pulls out a TV dinner ] Voila! My roast beef dinner is waiting for me, and it’s piping hot!

Penny Schmeer: [ chuckling ] Wow! That looks delicious! But where did that food come from?

Gram Lampton: [ matter-of-factly ] The future!

Penny Schmeer: Come on!

Gram Lampton: I’m serious. Later on, when I’m done eating the roast beef dinner, all I have to do is take a roast beef dinner out of the freezer, put it in the Timecrowave, then send it BACK in time, to the EXACT time that I pulled out the hot meal earlier.

Penny Schmeer: Sounds simple. Now, what happens if you forget to send your meal back in time?

Gram Lampton: Well, Penny, if you forget to send the exact meal you ate back in time, you’ll create a paradox, where small differences may start to occur in the space-time continuum.

[ Penny’s hair is now shorter, curlier, and blonde ]

Penny Schmeer: Oh, boy! Just because you want your food fast, you might cause a paradox in time? I don’t know, Gram… isn’t that kind of dangerous?

[ Gram now sports a full moustache ]

Gram Lampton: It could be. The differences could range from very small, to changing history. But I’m sure that something like that will never happen!

[ Penny now sports a shaggy moustache of her own ]

Penny Schmeer: Well, this I’ve got to hear! How have you done that, Gram?

[ Gram is now a Black man ]

Gram Lampton: You see… each meal comes with a card that reminds you you must put the original frozen meal in the Timecrowave and send it back in time.

[ Penny is now a transvestite male ]

Penny Schmeer: Oh! [ she laughs ] That DOES sound safe! Seems like you’ve thought of EVERYTHING!

[ Gram is now back to normal ]

Gram Lampton: And it works for people like me. You know, I’m always forgetting things: “Where are my car keys?” “Where are my gloves?”

[ Penny is now back to normal, though the American flags down the street outside the window now have Nazi emblems ]

Penny Schmeer: [ laughing ] Now, Gram… how do you know your food has been sent back in time?

Gram Lampton: Well, after you press the START button, you will feel a low-grade electrical charge in your body. That’s how you know that it’s working.

Penny Schmeer: Oh. Sounds like a snap! Now, tell me, how is the food cooked?

[ over animated demonstration ]

Gram Lampton: Well… it’s the time-travel that cooks it. A blast of cosmic radiation creates a tight seal around the frozen dinner. As it travels back from time, thousands of micro-tryhedrian time particles pass through the food, causing it to steam in its own juices.

[ Gram now has horns coming out of his head ]

Gram Lampton: And that’s how it creates the prefect dinner, every time!

[ Penny also has horns coming out of her head, and the exterior window view is covered with apocalyptic flames ]

Penny Schmeer: Sounds delicious!

Gram Lampton: Remember that dinner I pulled out at the beginning of the show, Gwyntyth?

Penny Schmeer: Oh, yeah — of course I remember the dinner from earlier. The one you said we need to remember to send back in time.

[ Gram is now dressed as Dr. Zaius from “The Planet of the Apes” ]

Gram Lampton: Yes. I was going to set the Timecrowave to the date in time we pulled it out. [ he opens the Timecrowave door ] Now, I just pop this chicken dinner in and send it back in time. [ he presses buttons ] [ the exterior window view reveals the Statue of Liberty waistdeep in sand ]

Penny Schmeer: Wait a minute, Gram… Did you say chicken? I — i’m not sure, but wasn’t it a roast beef dinner?

[ Gram is now back to normal ]

Gram Lampton: Oh! Was it? Are you sure? I’m sure nothing bad will happen.

[ the Timecrowave dings ] [ the exterior window view now reveals a giant kitty cat looking in and making a threatening meowing sound ]

Announcer: [ over card ] We’ll be right back with Gram Lampton’s “Timecrowave”, after this.

[ loud meowing sound effect ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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