Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 22
Whistle If You Can
Ben Mankiewicz…..Bill Hader
[ open on animated TCM logo ] [ dissolve to Ben Mankiewicz ]
Ben Mankiewicz: Welcome back to Turner Classic Movies. I’m Ben Mankiewicz. We’re in the middle of the 1952 drama, “Whistle If You Can”, starring Preston Wbb as a wealthly businessman, and Merna Fontaine as a hooker with a heart of gold. Let’s watch.[ dissolve to Las Vegas exterior ] [ dissolve to interior, hotel room ]
Prostitute: Ooh, this is some place! You must be some kind of a bigshot!
Businessman: Nice, huh?
Prostitute: Never been in this hotel before. So, tell me, Mr. Businessman… [ she sits on the edge of the bed ] What’s your pleasure?
Businessman: Whoa! Slow down.
Prostitute: Slow down? [ she chuckles ] Candy’s just getting started!
Businessman: No. Stop. Look, I just want to talk.
Businessman: Yeah. I just want to get to know you as a person.
Prostitute: It’s your time.
Businessman: Tell me: What did you want to be before you started “turning tricks”?
Prostitute: Oh, what is this?! 20 Questions?
Businessman: No, really. I want to know.
Prostitute: I don’t know! [ she sighs ] It’s silly, but I… I guess I, kinda, always wanted to be a dental hygeinist.
Businessman: I don’t think that’s silly. What’s your name?
Prostitute: I told you it’s Candy.
Businessman: No, no. Your real name. The one your mother gave you.
Prostitute: My mother?
Businessman: Does she even know you’re doing this?
Prostitute: My mother? She lives in Nebraska, I… I haven’t spoken to her in years.
Businessman: Maybe you should call her.
Prostitute: Maybe she doesn’t want to hear from me.
Businessman: Funny thing about mothers: They always answer the phone. [ he hands the phone to her ]
Prostitute: [ she dials ] Mama! It’s me! Yeah… yeah, I miss you, too. No, I’m okay. Yeah, Mama. I’ll be home for Christmas. [ she laughs, then cradles the phone ] Well, whaddaya know, I… I guess she still loves me!
Businessman: Of course, she does.
Prostitute: Thanks. Oh, and Mister? It’s Gertrude. My name, that is.
Businessman: Gertrude. That’s a very nice name.
Prostitute: Thank you.
Businessman: Gertrude… give me a hand job.
Prostitute: [ flustered ] What?!
Businessman: Give me a hand job, Gertrude!
Prostitute: I don’t understand! I thought you said you wanted to talk?!
Businessman: Well, yeah — that’s what turns me on. First, I get a prostitute to… talk about her life, then I make her call her mom while I watch, then I get your real name, and then… HANDY!
Prostitute: Yeah. Well, that is SICK!
Businessman: Well, to quote you, a hooker: It’s my dime.
Prostitute: Okay, fine. But I want the ten bucks up front!
Businessman: I’m only gonna pay you $7.50.
Prostitute: Well, what gives?!
Businessman: That call was a long-distance call.
Prostitute: Sooooome big shot!
Businessman: [ pointing toward his crotch ] Let’s go.[ “THE END” appears on-screen, as the theme flourishes ] [ fade ]