SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 05/15/10: Whistle If You Can


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Whistle If You Can

Ben Mankiewicz…..Bill Hader
Businessman…..Alec Baldwin
Prostitute…..Jenny Slate

[ open on animated TCM logo ] [ dissolve to Ben Mankiewicz ]

Ben Mankiewicz: Welcome back to Turner Classic Movies. I’m Ben Mankiewicz. We’re in the middle of the 1952 drama, “Whistle If You Can”, starring Preston Wbb as a wealthly businessman, and Merna Fontaine as a hooker with a heart of gold. Let’s watch.

[ dissolve to Las Vegas exterior ] [ dissolve to interior, hotel room ]

Prostitute: Ooh, this is some place! You must be some kind of a bigshot!

Businessman: Nice, huh?

Prostitute: Never been in this hotel before. So, tell me, Mr. Businessman… [ she sits on the edge of the bed ] What’s your pleasure?

Businessman: Whoa! Slow down.

Prostitute: Slow down? [ she chuckles ] Candy’s just getting started!

Businessman: No. Stop. Look, I just want to talk.

Prostitute: Talk?

Businessman: Yeah. I just want to get to know you as a person.

Prostitute: It’s your time.

Businessman: Tell me: What did you want to be before you started “turning tricks”?

Prostitute: Oh, what is this?! 20 Questions?

Businessman: No, really. I want to know.

Prostitute: I don’t know! [ she sighs ] It’s silly, but I… I guess I, kinda, always wanted to be a dental hygeinist.

Businessman: I don’t think that’s silly. What’s your name?

Prostitute: I told you it’s Candy.

Businessman: No, no. Your real name. The one your mother gave you.

Prostitute: My mother?

Businessman: Does she even know you’re doing this?

Prostitute: My mother? She lives in Nebraska, I… I haven’t spoken to her in years.

Businessman: Maybe you should call her.

Prostitute: Maybe she doesn’t want to hear from me.

Businessman: Funny thing about mothers: They always answer the phone. [ he hands the phone to her ]

Prostitute: [ she dials ] Mama! It’s me! Yeah… yeah, I miss you, too. No, I’m okay. Yeah, Mama. I’ll be home for Christmas. [ she laughs, then cradles the phone ] Well, whaddaya know, I… I guess she still loves me!

Businessman: Of course, she does.

Prostitute: Thanks. Oh, and Mister? It’s Gertrude. My name, that is.

Businessman: Gertrude. That’s a very nice name.

Prostitute: Thank you.

Businessman: Gertrude… give me a hand job.

Prostitute: [ flustered ] What?!

Businessman: Give me a hand job, Gertrude!

Prostitute: I don’t understand! I thought you said you wanted to talk?!

Businessman: Well, yeah — that’s what turns me on. First, I get a prostitute to… talk about her life, then I make her call her mom while I watch, then I get your real name, and then… HANDY!

Prostitute: Yeah. Well, that is SICK!

Businessman: Well, to quote you, a hooker: It’s my dime.

Prostitute: Okay, fine. But I want the ten bucks up front!

Businessman: I’m only gonna pay you $7.50.

Prostitute: Well, what gives?!

Businessman: That call was a long-distance call.

Prostitute: Sooooome big shot!

Businessman: [ pointing toward his crotch ] Let’s go.

[ “THE END” appears on-screen, as the theme flourishes ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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