SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 1: 09/17/09: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Bonus Episode 1















Weekend Update Thursday 1

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
James Carville…..Bill Hader
Madonna…..Kristen Wiig
Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond
Michael Steele…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler!

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: Hello, and welcome to “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday”!

Seth Meyers: In a speech released Sunday by Osama bin Laden, he accuses President Obasma of being a “powerless shadow of George W. Bush.” Though, calling someone powerless comes off better when you’re not saying it into a tape recorder from a cave.

In his upcoming memoirs, Matt Latimer, a former speechwriter for George W. Bush, said that the former presidentharshly criticized almost every politician in Washington, including Barack Obama, who he said “has no clue, I promise you.” Bush then punctuated the remark by getting his foot stuck in a bucket.

Amy Poehler: After his release from prison this week, Muntader al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush, said that he had been tortured while in jail. Though mostly by other prisoners who kept asking him if he was “gellin’.”

[ the camera cuts to Seth, who smiles ]

Amy Poehler V/O: In an interview with Oprah Winfrey —

Seth Meyers: Hold on one second, Amy. We’re having a bit of, uh, “Weekend Update” live technical issues.

Amy Poehler: [ impressed ] Ooh!

Seth Meyers: Yeah! It’s pretty exciting!

Amy Poehler: This is exciting!

Seth Meyers: Isn’t it exciting?

Amy Poehler: What’s happening!

Seth Meyers: Live TV.

Amy Poehler: So, Seth, you’re telling me this is really live?

Seth Meyers: This is live right now!

Amy Poehler: So what we’re doing right now, we didn’t rehearse?

Seth Meyers: Perfect, here we go!

Amy Poehler: Look — we couldn’t have rehearsed that!

Seth Meyers: Right!

Amy Poehler: [ impressed ] Here we go! Okay! Oooh, that was good!

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Whitney Houston called her ex-husband, Bobby Brown, her drug. Also Whitney Houston’s drug: drugs.

Seth Meyers: Last week, thousands of protesters from the Conservative Tea Party Movement ocnverged on Washington, voicing their concerns about Obama’s health care plan and increased government spending. Here to comment, is Democratic political consultant James Carville.

James Carville: [ he screams ] Thank you, Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: So, uh, James — what do you think of these protesters?

James Carville: [ he shakes his shoulders and laughs with a hiss ] Oh, did you see these people protesting out there? Grown men dressed as Jokers and gobonis and Hitlers! These people are first-class crazy, and I should know, Seth, because I-I-I’m as crazy as they come! [ he laughs ] I mean, look at me: I see this in the mirror every morning, and I think, “Yep! THat’s good-looking!” I mean, come on! I look like a Skeletor!

Seth Meyers: Well, surely, they’re not all crazy. I mean, what do you make of the argument that they’re moderate conservatives?

James Carville: No, no, Seth, there’s no moderates in the Tea Party. They only seem moderate ’cause they’re surrounded by the super-crazies. It’s like when a midget stands next to a Smart Car: You ain’t tall, midget! You just CLEVER! [ he skaes his shoulders and laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Alright, um — when exactly do little people stand next to Smart Cars?

James Carville: Aw, you come on down to Louisiana — you’ll get an eyeful of clever little people!

Seth Meyers: So, how do you think the White House should respond to these demonstrators?

James Carville: IGNORE ‘EM!!! I mean, when a crazy drifter comes up to you on the street, and says, “Hey, Snakeface! You the DEVIL!!” Yuo don’t stop and engage with ’em! You just keep walking. I mean, I don’t know why we entertain these backwater, uh, knockaloofs. I mean, in the middle of a school assembly, no one’s sayin’, “Hey, hey! Let’s hear from the creepy janitor who fought in Vietnam! I bet he has a good suggestion for prom themes!” [ he shakes his shoulders and laughs ] You get it? You don’t get near him, Seth, ’cause you’re going to a NIGHTMARE PROM!!

Seth Meyers: Okay, I get it. So your advice is to ignore the protesters out on the street.

James Carville: Yeah!

Seth Meyers: But what do you do with elected officials like Joe Wilson? Were you pleased that Congress voted to rebuke him?

James Carville: Seth — no. Rebuke? Give me a break. You gotta handle things old school. I mean, you break into Joe Wilson’s house in the middle of the night. Okay? You can throw a garbage bag over his head, and you drag him to some mansion in the woods, okay? Where there’s a circle of “Eyes Wide Shut” fellas in tuxedos, and they wear weird venetian masks with the big noses — BEAK MASKS!! And you rip the bag off, and you just STARE at him until he cries! Next morning, he wakes up, he doesn’t know: “W-w-was that a dream? What was that?” Well, what you do is, you leave a little mask on his pillow! Like: “Uh-oh!!” That would have been real!

Seth Meyers: Well, uh — that — that sounds really illegal.

[ Carville cracks up with laughter ]

James Carville: Illegal! You a cute kid, Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: James Carville, everyone! We’ll be back with more “Weekend Update”, after this commercial break!

[ fade to commercial, then return to the news desk ]

Seth Meyers: Welcome back!

Amy Poehler: Whoo!

While China is threatening to cut imports of American chickens, trade experts feel this may be an empty threat because chicken feet are very popular to the Chinese. Ah, China! Foiled again by the weird stuff you’re into!

Caster Semenya, the champion South African runner whose gender has been called into question, withdrew from a cross-country race this past weekend, citing an unspecified injury. No word on what the injury is, though it’s rumored she’s suffering from an enlarged penis.

Getrude Baines, the world’s oldest person, died this week at the age of 115. “Booyah!” screamed 114-year old Josephine Miller.

Here to talk about the life of Gertrude Baines, is her old friend, Madonna.

[ Madonna steps forward, very solemn ]

Madonna: Seth. Amy. Fans. Before I begin, please note, due to the importance of this speech, and the various things going on with my face, I will be blinking slowly… and dramatically. [ she does so, then begins ]

Gertrude Baines was born in August. So was I. She had eight brothers and sisters. So did I. She grew up in the Midwest. So did I.

Amy Poehler: [ consulting her notes ] Oh, really? Because it says here that she was born in Georgia, actually.

[ Madonna holds her composure ]

Madonna: She was a proud, Black woman. So am I.

Seth Meyers: What?

Madonna: Please don’t interrupt me, Seth, while I’m honoring this great, great woman — and, also, Gertrude Baines.

[ Madonna continues ]

Madonna: She never missed an episode of “The Price Is Right”. Neither did I. She had an out-of-wedlock child with a Puerto Rican pilates instructor. So did I. She was the oldest woman that ever lived, and, at 115 years old, she died. So did I.

[ Seth and Amy stare intently at Madonna ]

Seth Meyers: Is she okay?

Madonna: In the early 90’s, she appeared nude with Vanilla Ice in a metal book about sex. So did I. She proudly boned Dennis Rodman in a jacuzzi shaped as a clam shell. So did I.

Amy Poehler: What?! I don’t think that’s about Gertrude Baines!

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I-I don’t think you know Gertrude Baines.

Madonna: She was a QUEEN! Long live the Queen! [ she holds out her arms, then points to herself as she walks away ]

Amy Poehler: Madonna, everybody.

Seth Meyers: The creators of the Body World Exhibition are planning a new show dedicated solely to dead bodies having sex. It’s called Marriage.

On Tuesday, former President Jimmy Carter said that Joe Wilson’s “You lie!” remark was motivated by racism. This was immediately condemned by many, including Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele. Here to debate the matter are Jimmy Carter and Michael Steele.

Jimmy Carter: [ smiling widely ] Thank you, Seth. It’s a great pleasure to be here.

Michael Steele: [ coolly ] What’s up, Seth! Republicans, can I get a what-what! [ he raises the roof ]

Seth Meyers: Okay, now, uh, President Carter, even the Obama White House said that racism was not behind Wilson’s comments. Can you back off what you said?

Jimmy Carter: Well… I don’t back off. The anger out there at Obama is not rational. People do not hate him based on the job he’s doing as President. Believe me, I know what it’s like to be hated based on the job you’re doing as President!

Michael Steele: Well, look — I vote for Republican, as evidenced by my title. And a Black man, as evidenced by my natural use of urban slang. HOLLA!! This is not a race issue! This is about out-of-control government spending. Jimmy Carter? You better check yo’self… before you subsequently… wreck yo’self!

Jimmy Carter: [ unnerved ] This has EVERYTHING to do with race, Mr. Steele. I’m from the South, just up the road where Joe Wilson is from. Let me tell you: every single southern person… is a racist! [ Steele is shocked ] Except for one: ME! Try as I might, I still do not understand the appeal of Mr. Tyler Perry. [ Stelle grants him that ] I don’t.

Michael Steele: Well, I don’t think race has anything to do with it. This is part of a broad movement by thousands of Americans — old and young — white and black — gathering together to say: “Enough is enough!” Did you see the Tea Party protesters this past weekend? It was off da hook!

Jimmy Carter: I did. And I don’t think there was one African-American there. I saw more black people at an 11 a.m. screening of “Julie & Julia”.

Michael Steele: Awww! This rally was as diverse as it GETS! Let me prove it to you. Uh, let me get a picture of the protesters, please.

[ an image comes up ]

Michael Steele: You want to see an African-American? There’s one, riiiiiiiiight there!

[ a circle goes around a Black police officer ]

Jimmy Carter: I think that’s a police officer.

Michael Steele: “Oh no, you didn’t!” Is something I’ve heard people say… and I think it applies here. Let me show you some more.

[ another image comes up ]

Michael Steele: There’s one…. riiiight there!

[ a circle goes around an Obama mask ]

Jimmy Carter: That’s a man in an Obama mask!

Michael Steele: Mr. President, I can’t believe someone who has so much power with the Democratic Party is playing the race card!

Well, you’re wrong again. You see, I have no power with the Democratic Party! [ he smiles wider ] They don’t return my calls. Some of them don’t even know who I am! I just found out they recently had a party for all living Democratic president. [ a beat ] I was not invited.

Michael Steele: I believe the terminology you’re looking for is: You got served!

Jimmy Carter: [ glumly ] I got served.

Seth Meyers: [ he chuckles ] Jimmy Carter and Michael Steele, everyone! We’ll be right back, everybody!

Amy Poehler: Right after these commercials!

[ fade to commercial, then return to the news desk ]

Amy Poehler: Hello, everyone! And welcome back!

Seth Meyers: Welcome back!

The makers of the Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves, staged a runway show, Tuesday, during New York’s Fashion Week, marking the first time anyone’s ever walked somewhere in a Snuggue that wasn’t to a refrigerator or a toilet.

The story of the M-TV Video Music Awards this week was Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video, which brings us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! With Seth & Amy”.

[ show graphic ]

Really, Kanye West? You interrupted somebody again? Really!?!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: You know, it was interesting when you spoke out about President Bush and Hurricane Katrina — less so when you’re standing up for Beyonce and the “Single Ladies” video. Really!

Amy Poehler: Really! And, also — VMA’s: Really! Who does your seating chart? We ALL know that Kanye loves to interrupt people — you CAN’T sit him next to the stage!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: You have to put him in the back row, between a couple of seat-fillers!

Seth Meyers: You do!

Amy Poehler: And, listen, Security: if you see a guy drinking Hennessey with Joe Jackson, maybe keep an eye on him. It’s not exactly the calling card of a guy who’s about to make a ton of really smart moves.

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And, really, Kanye, it’s JUST a Video Music Award. They don’t really matter. So, just to give you a word of advice: If you ever see an old lady holding a “World’s Greatest Grandma” mug, and you think you know a better grandma… don’t slap it out of her hand! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And I mean, really! This cannot happen again. So, from now on, here’s the plan: When you go to an awards show, tie a bell to yourself, and then, if at any point in the night you hear a bell, feeze, and then go in the other direction! Really!

Amy Poehler: Really! But you know who else is rude? I mean, really! Joe Wilson.

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Hey, Joe! Yelling “You lie!” would be rude to a valet or a waiter, so, maybe don’t yell it at the President!

Seth Meyers: Really! And, also, next time, can I suggest “You’re a liar!”? “You lie!” sounds like a toddler or someone who just learned English! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: And if you’re allowed to boo, you can use the word “Boo!” to show disapproval: “Booooo, you’re wrong!” Or you can use it to show approval: “Great speech, boo!”

Seth Meyers: Oh. Great point, Boo!

Amy Poehler: Thanks, Boo!

Seth Meyers: And, Serena Williams, really! Take it DOWN a notch when you get mad at that line judge. You didn’t HAVE to say anything! Just moments earlier, you threw your raquet down so hard it bent in half! After you do something that pwoerful, you can let a person know you want to kill them with a look! When you did this: [ Amy makes her Serena face ] people knew you were angry!

Amy Poehler: So, guys, if you’re gonna go after people, maybe pick better targets!

Seth Meyers: Yeah!

Amy Poehler: No one is impressed when you take your stance against 19-year old girls, tiny Asian ladies, or the first black president!

Seth Meyers: Really! Who are you gonna go after next? Koalas?

Amy Poehler: Baby koalas?

Seth Meyers: I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Rude! Really!

[ show graphic ]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! With Seth & Amy”.

Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back with more “Update”, after these commercial breaks! Stick around!

[ fade to commercial, then return to the news desk with the cast surrounding Seth and Amy ]

Seth Meyers: See you back here, LIVE, next week with another “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday”!

Amy Poehler: Hey, thanks, you guys! And stay tuned for the season premiere of “Parks and Recreation”, coming up!

[ roll credits ]

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