SNL Transcripts: Weekend Update Thursday 2: 09/24/09: Obama Interviews


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 2

Obama Interviews

Aide…..Kristen Wiig
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Stuart Scott…..Kenan Thompson
Kathy Griffin…..Nasim Pedrad
Glenn Beck…..Jason Sudeikis
Kristen Cavallari…..Abby Elliott
Guy Fieri…..Bobby Moynihan
Teenage Vampire…..Andy Samberg
Keith Morrison…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Oval Office ] [ dissolve to interior ]

Aide: Mr. President, we’re ready for the interviews.

President Barack Obama: Okay. Ready to go. [ he sits ] Who’s up first?

Aide: Let’s see, um — [ she consults her list ] So, on Sunday we did NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, and Univision.

President Barack Obama: Uhhh — that’s right. I want to get the health care message out to as wide an audience as possible. I don’t want to shut anyone out of this debate.

Aide: How about FOX News?

President Barack Obama: Nope!

Aide: Uh — well, today we have some cable channels.

President Barack Obama: Great! Let’s do it.

Aide: Next up is ESPN.

[ cut to ESPN logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to Stuart Scott ]

Stuart Scott: Boo-yah!! And, Mr. President, you are in the Coors’ Light hot seat!

President Barack Obama: Great.

Stuart Scott: Now, your health plan — would you say it’s strong like Shaq, or smooth like Kobe?

President Barack Obama: Uhh, I like to think it’s the best of both — like LeBron.

[ they bump fists ]

Stuart Scott: Holla out a player when he’s fixing health care! Mr. President, you’re off the Coor’s Light hot seat!

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. [ to ?? ] Uh, who’s next?

Aide: We have the Bravo Network.

[ cut to Bravo logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to Kathy Griffin ]

Kathy Griffin: Uh — hi! Kathy Griffin here! Okay! Uhhhh — here… we… go! Will… there… be… health care… for gays?

President Barack Obama: Uhhh — I certainly hope so.

Kathy Griffin: Uh, okay! Uh, but can you not give it to three specific gays who I hate? Perez Hilton, my ex-stylist Julio, and Spencer Pratt. And, yes… he is!

President Barack Obama: Uhhh — well, Kathy, my bill would cover ALL Americans, even Spencer Pratt.

Kathy Griffin: Ugh! Get a room!

President Barack Obama: Uh, Carol? Who’s next?

Aide: Are you sure you don’t want to speak to FOX News? Who knows, maybe they can be fair and balanced.

President Barack Obama: Really? Let’s check in with Glenn Beck. [ he clicks the television on ]

Glenn Beck: [ in front of chalkboard ] Hey! If I write down the name OBAMA! We can re-arrange the letter and spell AROMA! And I don’t like what I’m smelling! And for those of you saying, “Aw, hey, Glen! Uh, those letter don’t actually re-arrange to spell that!” Well, to you, I say: [ in thick German accent, with a sieg heil ] “In Muzza Russia they do!”

[ Obama clicks the television off ]

Aide: Alright. Up next is M-TV’s Kristen Cavallari, from “The Hills”.

President Barack Obama: Great.

[ cut to M-TV logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to Kristen Cavallari ]

Kristen Cavallari: Mr. President! It’s just, like, our WHOLE health care system is, like, I don’t even know! It’s, like, just STUPID! It’s, like, DRAMA! It’s like —

[ as she rambles on and on with great incoherence, President Obama just stares at her like he has no idea how to comprehend this person ]

President Barack Obama: Uhh — I’m sorry. Was that a question?

Kristen Cavallari: [ humbled ] Thank you, Mr. Presidennnnt!

President Barack Obama: [ to Aide ] Uh — next, please.

Aide: Uh — the Food Network. It’s Guy Fieri.

[ cut to Food Network logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to Guy Fieri ]

Guy Fieri: [ holding a food plate ] Here’s my health care plan! TWO beef patties! Quarter-melt onion ring! Chili cheese fries! All piled on top of tortilla chips! [ he laughs maniacally ]

President Barack Obama: [ shaking his head ] Uh, yeah — that doesn’t seem like a viable plan.

Guy Fieri: You didn’t let me finish! We top it all off with… [ he grabs a pitcher ] a little LIQUID QUESO! [ he laughs maniacally ] [ President Obama just stares at Fieri, until the Food Network host nods his head and takes the hint ]

Guy Fieri: I’ll show myself out. [ he exits ]

President Barack Obama: [ to Aide ] Uh, next?

Aide: Uh… well, next, there’s someone from the CW. [ excited ] Oh! A teenage vampire!

[ cut to CW logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to Teeange Vampire ]

Teeange Vampire: [ laid-back ] Hey… [ makes finger-quotes ] “O-ba-ma.”

President Barack Obama: I’m sorry — what show are you from again?

Teeange Vampire: I don’t know… one of them vampire shows. Look, just give us some BLOOD, dude! Or dough — whatever! You’re not the BOSS of me!! [ he stands and exits, then quickly turns back and hisses at Obama ]

Aide: [ stepping forward ] Uh — and, finally, NBC.

President Barack Obama: I thought we did NBC?

Aide: [ meekly ] It’s someone else.

President Barack Obama: [ disgusted ] Oh, please, God… don’t tell me it’s Brian Williams! Give that guy one day of access, and now he’s acting like we went to CAMP together.

Aide: Worse. It’s Keith Morrison, from “Dateline”.

[ Obama sighs ] [ cut to Dateline logo in front of Oval Office exterior ] [ dissolve to a smiling Keith Morrison ]

Keith Morrison: Tell me more about these… DEATH panels!

President Barack Obama: Ummmmm….

Keith Morrison: [ squealing ] Ohhhhhh??

President Barack Obama: Iiiiiiiii….

Keith Morrison: Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeahhhh!

President Barack Obama: Yeahhhh, okay. Uh… I think we’re done. [ to Aide ] Good work, Carol.

Aide: Um — any comment for FOX News?

President Barack Obama: Just tell them: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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