Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Bonus Episode 1
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Stuart Scott…..Kenan Thompson
Kathy Griffin…..Nasim Pedrad
Glenn Beck…..Jason Sudeikis
Kristen Cavallari…..Abby Elliott
Guy Fieri…..Bobby Moynihan
Teenage Vampire…..Andy Samberg
Keith Morrison…..Bill Hader
[ open on exterior, Oval Office ]
[ dissolve to interior ]
Aide: Mr. President, we’re ready for the interviews.
President Barack Obama: Okay. Ready to go. [ he sits ] Who’s up first?
Aide: Let’s see, um — [ she consults her list ] So, on Sunday we did NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, and Univision.
President Barack Obama: Uhhh — that’s right. I want to get the health care message out to as wide an audience as possible. I don’t want to shut anyone out of this debate.
Aide: How about FOX News?
President Barack Obama: Nope!
Aide: Uh — well, today we have some cable channels.
President Barack Obama: Great! Let’s do it.
Aide: Next up is ESPN.
[ cut to ESPN logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]
[ dissolve to Stuart Scott ]
Stuart Scott: Boo-yah!! And, Mr. President, you are in the Coors’ Light hot seat!
President Barack Obama: Great.
Stuart Scott: Now, your health plan — would you say it’s strong like Shaq, or smooth like Kobe?
President Barack Obama: Uhh, I like to think it’s the best of both — like LeBron.
[ they bump fists ]
Stuart Scott: Holla out a player when he’s fixing health care! Mr. President, you’re off the Coor’s Light hot seat!
President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. [ to ?? ] Uh, who’s next?
Aide: We have the Bravo Network.
[ cut to Bravo logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]
[ dissolve to Kathy Griffin ]
Kathy Griffin: Uh — hi! Kathy Griffin here! Okay! Uhhhh — here… we… go! Will… there… be… health care… for gays?
President Barack Obama: Uhhh — I certainly hope so.
Kathy Griffin: Uh, okay! Uh, but can you not give it to three specific gays who I hate? Perez Hilton, my ex-stylist Julio, and Spencer Pratt. And, yes… he is!
President Barack Obama: Uhhh — well, Kathy, my bill would cover ALL Americans, even Spencer Pratt.
Kathy Griffin: Ugh! Get a room!
President Barack Obama: Uh, Carol? Who’s next?
Aide: Are you sure you don’t want to speak to FOX News? Who knows, maybe they can be fair and balanced.
President Barack Obama: Really? Let’s check in with Glenn Beck. [ he clicks the television on ]
Glenn Beck: [ in front of chalkboard ] Hey! If I write down the name OBAMA! We can re-arrange the letter and spell AROMA! And I don’t like what I’m smelling! And for those of you saying, “Aw, hey, Glen! Uh, those letter don’t actually re-arrange to spell that!” Well, to you, I say: [ in thick German accent, with a sieg heil ] “In Muzza Russia they do!”
[ Obama clicks the television off ]
Aide: Alright. Up next is M-TV’s Kristen Cavallari, from “The Hills”.
President Barack Obama: Great.
[ cut to M-TV logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]
[ dissolve to Kristen Cavallari ]
Kristen Cavallari: Mr. President! It’s just, like, our WHOLE health care system is, like, I don’t even know! It’s, like, just STUPID! It’s, like, DRAMA! It’s like —
[ as she rambles on and on with great incoherence, President Obama just stares at her like he has no idea how to comprehend this person ]
President Barack Obama: Uhh — I’m sorry. Was that a question?
Kristen Cavallari: [ humbled ] Thank you, Mr. Presidennnnt!
President Barack Obama: [ to Aide ] Uh — next, please.
Aide: Uh — the Food Network. It’s Guy Fieri.
[ cut to Food Network logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]
[ dissolve to Guy Fieri ]
Guy Fieri: [ holding a food plate ] Here’s my health care plan! TWO beef patties! Quarter-melt onion ring! Chili cheese fries! All piled on top of tortilla chips! [ he laughs maniacally ]
President Barack Obama: [ shaking his head ] Uh, yeah — that doesn’t seem like a viable plan.
Guy Fieri: You didn’t let me finish! We top it all off with… [ he grabs a pitcher ] a little LIQUID QUESO! [ he laughs maniacally ]
[ President Obama just stares at Fieri, until the Food Network host nods his head and takes the hint ]
Guy Fieri: I’ll show myself out. [ he exits ]
President Barack Obama: [ to Aide ] Uh, next?
Aide: Uh… well, next, there’s someone from the CW. [ excited ] Oh! A teenage vampire!
[ cut to CW logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]
[ dissolve to Teeange Vampire ]
Teeange Vampire: [ laid-back ] Hey… [ makes finger-quotes ] “O-ba-ma.”
President Barack Obama: I’m sorry — what show are you from again?
Teeange Vampire: I don’t know… one of them vampire shows. Look, just give us some BLOOD, dude! Or dough — whatever! You’re not the BOSS of me!! [ he stands and exits, then quickly turns back and hisses at Obama ]
Aide: [ stepping forward ] Uh — and, finally, NBC.
President Barack Obama: I thought we did NBC?
Aide: [ meekly ] It’s someone else.
President Barack Obama: [ disgusted ] Oh, please, God… don’t tell me it’s Brian Williams! Give that guy one day of access, and now he’s acting like we went to CAMP together.
Aide: Worse. It’s Keith Morrison, from “Dateline”.
[ Obama sighs ]
[ cut to Dateline logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]
[ dissolve to a smiling Keith Morrison ]
Keith Morrison: Tell me more about these… DEATH panels!
President Barack Obama: Ummmmm….
Keith Morrison: [ squealing ] Ohhhhhh??
President Barack Obama: Iiiiiiiii….
Keith Morrison: Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeahhhh!
President Barack Obama: Yeahhhh, okay. Uh… I think we’re done. [ to Aide ] Good work, Carol.
Aide: Um — any comment for FOX News?
President Barack Obama: Just tell them: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”