Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
September 25th, 2010
Gov. David Paterson
RNC HeadquartersSummary: At the Republican National Committee Headquarters, Christine O’Donnell (Kristen Wiig) rattles off more problematic disgressions from her past.
Amy Poehler’s MonologueSummary: Amy Poehler announces that it’s a dream come true to host “SNL”, then relives her recurring stress dream of being late for the show amid a slew of gratutious celebrity cameos.
Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with a provocatively dressed teenager (Katy Perry) who volunteers as a children’s story reader at the local library.
Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.
BosleySummary: Spokesperson (Jason Sudeikis) explains the hair loss restoration system that uses pubic hair as a baldness solution.
Maternity MattersSummary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.
Recurring Characters: Roger Brush.
Mosque at Ground ZeroSummary: Pitchman (Bill Hader) lauds the whirlwind of anti-Democratic activity taking place at the Mosque at Ground Zero.
Katy Perry performs “California Gurls”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” in regards to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Although Will Smith (Jay Pharoah) didn’t star in a summer blockbuster this year, he’s thrilled that his spawn has been active on-screen. The real Gov. David Paterson confronts Fred Armisen about the achievements he’s made as a blind governor.
Recurring Characters: Will Smith, Gov. David Paterson.
The Lean YearsSummary: Amy Poehler stars in Showtime’s latest series, which focuses on Amber, a foul-mouthed girl whose private secret is that she only has one leg.
Recurring Characters: Amber.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: At the Academy Awards, Katy Perry sings the title track for the film “Boogerman”, starring Peter Sarsgaard.
Ladies Who LunchSummary: Sylvia (Kristen Wiig) is jealous that Trish’s (Amy Poehler) tiny hats are consistently tinier than her tiny hats.
Katy Perry performs “Teenage Dream”
Actor II ActorSummary: Acting enthusiast Andy Samberg ponders when thespian Justin Timberlake will put his craft aside and return to making music.
The Even More ExpendablesSummary: Sequels to “The Expendables” feature an ever-expanding collection of quasi-celebrities together in bulk action flicks.
Recurring Characters: Kim Jong Il, Chris Tucker, Rod Blagojevich, Steven Seagal, Tracy Chapman, Brigitte Nielsen.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
A Message From Hillary ClintonSummary: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) addresses the public about President Obama’s ratings.
Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.
Pepto Bismol IceSummary: Summary: The upset stomach reliever that won’t interrupt a night of wreckless drinking and partying.
Note: This filmed piece will air on next week’s episode hosted by Bryan Cranston.
Family FeudSummary: New host Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) can’t seem to pronounce any of the answers.
Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.
LobotomySummary: After his lobotomy, a patient (Andy Samberg) can’t comprehend scientists’ (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) scientific terms.
American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.