SNL Transcripts: Amy Poehler: 09/25/10: Ladies Who Lunch



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1




















10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Ladies Who Lunch

Abby…..Abby Elliott
Vanessa…..Vanessa Bayer
Sylvia…..Kristen Wiig
Trish…..Amy Poehler
Fashion Designer…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Chez Henri ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as a group of ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To another great lunch!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Abby: Sylvia, I have to ask: Where did you get that dress?

Sylvia: Oh. It’s actually a very funny story: I was at the Chanel store, just minding my own business, when this man came up to me —

Vanessa: Oh! [ waving ] Trish! We’re over here!

Sylvia: [ continuing ] So this man at the Chanel store came over to me —

Abby: Wait a minute, Sylvia. Everyone, look at Trish’s hat!

[ Trish, wearing a tiny hat, takes her seat ]

Trish: Oh, hi. Sorry I’m late.

Vanessa: My God, Trish! That’s the most adorable little hat I’ve ever seen!

Trish: [ with forced modesty ] Oh. This?

Abby: It’s perfect!

Vanessa: Tiny hats were the rage at Fashion Week! Don’t you just love it, Sylvia?

Sylvia: [ irked that she hasn’t gotten to finish her story ] It’s a very… small hat. Anyway, Trish, I was just telling the girls the wildest story. [ She continues ] So I was at Chanel —

[ a flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table while holding a Bichon Frise ]

Fashion Designer: I’m sorry — I never do this but thathat… ROCKS!

[ he walks off ]

Abby & Vanessa: Absolutely! It’s fantastic! It’s just so perfectly Trish…!

[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves salad into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ] [ cut to exterior, Chez Henri ] [ SUPER: “One Week Later” ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To US!!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Sylvia: [ wearing a tiny hat of her own ] Oh, yes — to us!

Abby: Love the hat, Sylvia!

Vanessa: Yes.

Sylvia: Oh! [ she giggles ] Thank you!

[ Trish enters wearing her samze-sized tiny hat ]

Trish: Ohhh, sorry I’m late!

Vanessa: Trish! Look at Sylvia! I guess you’re not the only one with an adorable little hat any more!

Trish: Ohhhh, how nice, Sylvia.

Sylvia: [ giggling triumphantly ] Thank you, Trish.

Trish: I tip my hat to you! [ she removes her hat to reveal a tinier hat beneath ]

Vanessa: No!

Abby: A smaller hat?!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again ]

Fashion Designer: Advantage: Trish!

[ he walks off ]

Vanessa: Trish is a fashion icon!

Abby: She’s amazing!

Vanessa: Unbelievable!

[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves bread into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ] [ cut to exterior, Chez Henri, with sign: “Trish Eats Here!” ] [ SUPER: “One Week Later” ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To women!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Abby: So, Sylvia — no hat this week?

Sylvia: [ smirking ] Oh! Oh, I’m wearing a hat. [ she pulls up a microscope and places it on the table ] Take a look into the microscope.

Abby: Hmm?

Sylvia: Tell me what you see! [ she lays her head on the slide ]

Abby: Mmm-hmm. [ she peers into the microscope ] Oh, my God! It’s a microscopic hat!!

[ reveal the image of a hat between hair follicles on the slide ]

Sylvia: [ proudly ] It’s the smallest hat known to man! It cost me $4 million!

Vanessa: I wonder how Trish will respond?

Abby: I think she already has

[ reveal a microscopic Trish also on the slide, wearing an even tinier hat to match her tiny proportions ] And her HAT!!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer is also of microscopic size, and walks past Trish to admire her hat ]

Vanessa: She is just amazing! No one beats Trish!

[ Sylvia, her head still on the slide, shoves a breadstick into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ] [ cut to exterior, Trish’s, with sign: “Home of the Tiny Hat” ] [ SUPER: “One Week Later” ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To Trish!

Sylvia: [ irked ] To Trish?! To Trish?! W-what, did she get another stupid hat?!

Vanessa: Sylvia!

Sylvia: I mean it! As far as I’m concerned, she can just take all her little hats and shove them up her —

Abby: SYLVIA!!

Vanessa: [ calmy ] Trish… died this morning.

[ Sylvia appears stunned ]

Abby: She was in a motorcycle crash — [ choking up ] and her helmet was tiny.

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again, crying ]

Fashion Designer: Ohhhhhhhhhh! [ to Sylvia ] It should have been you!

[ he walks off ]

Sylvia: Oh… I feel awful

[ suddenly, Trish sits down ]

Trish: Oh! Am I late?

Vanessa: Trish! You’re alive!

Trish: [ she laughs ] Faking your own death is the NEW tiny hat!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer returns, cheerful as ever ]

Fashion Designer: Hat’s all, folks!

[ they all share the laugh, as Sylvia shoves pepper down her throat ] [ dissolve to New York Post headline: “Pope: ‘You Go, Trish!'” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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