Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
Ladies Who Lunch
Fashion Designer…..Bill Hader
[ open on exterior, Chez Henri ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as a group of ladies dine together ]
Vanessa: To another great lunch![ they toast their glasses ]
Abby: Sylvia, I have to ask: Where did you get that dress?
Sylvia: Oh. It’s actually a very funny story: I was at the Chanel store, just minding my own business, when this man came up to me —
Vanessa: Oh! [ waving ] Trish! We’re over here!
Sylvia: [ continuing ] So this man at the Chanel store came over to me —
Abby: Wait a minute, Sylvia. Everyone, look at Trish’s hat![ Trish, wearing a tiny hat, takes her seat ]
Trish: Oh, hi. Sorry I’m late.
Vanessa: My God, Trish! That’s the most adorable little hat I’ve ever seen!
Trish: [ with forced modesty ] Oh. This?
Abby: It’s perfect!
Vanessa: Tiny hats were the rage at Fashion Week! Don’t you just love it, Sylvia?
Sylvia: [ irked that she hasn’t gotten to finish her story ] It’s a very… small hat. Anyway, Trish, I was just telling the girls the wildest story. [ She continues ] So I was at Chanel —[ a flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table while holding a Bichon Frise ]
Fashion Designer: I’m sorry — I never do this but that… hat… ROCKS![ he walks off ]
Abby & Vanessa: Absolutely! It’s fantastic! It’s just so perfectly Trish…![ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves salad into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ] [ cut to exterior, Chez Henri ] [ SUPER: “One Week Later” ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]
Vanessa: To US!!
Sylvia: [ wearing a tiny hat of her own ] Oh, yes — to us!
Abby: Love the hat, Sylvia!
Sylvia: Oh! [ she giggles ] Thank you![ Trish enters wearing her samze-sized tiny hat ]
Trish: Ohhh, sorry I’m late!
Vanessa: Trish! Look at Sylvia! I guess you’re not the only one with an adorable little hat any more!
Trish: Ohhhh, how nice, Sylvia.
Sylvia: [ giggling triumphantly ] Thank you, Trish.
Trish: I tip my hat to you! [ she removes her hat to reveal a tinier hat beneath ]
Abby: A smaller hat?!
Fashion Designer: Advantage: Trish![ he walks off ]
Vanessa: Trish is a fashion icon!
Abby: She’s amazing!
Vanessa: Unbelievable![ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves bread into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ] [ cut to exterior, Chez Henri, with sign: “Trish Eats Here!” ] [ SUPER: “One Week Later” ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]
Vanessa: To women!
Abby: So, Sylvia — no hat this week?
Sylvia: [ smirking ] Oh! Oh, I’m wearing a hat. [ she pulls up a microscope and places it on the table ] Take a look into the microscope.
Sylvia: Tell me what you see! [ she lays her head on the slide ]
Abby: Mmm-hmm. [ she peers into the microscope ] Oh, my God! It’s a microscopic hat!![ reveal the image of a hat between hair follicles on the slide ]
Sylvia: [ proudly ] It’s the smallest hat known to man! It cost me $4 million!
Vanessa: I wonder how Trish will respond?
Abby: I think she already has…[ reveal a microscopic Trish also on the slide, wearing an even tinier hat to match her tiny proportions ] And her HAT!! [ the flamboyant Fashion Designer is also of microscopic size, and walks past Trish to admire her hat ]
Vanessa: She is just amazing! No one beats Trish![ Sylvia, her head still on the slide, shoves a breadstick into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ] [ cut to exterior, Trish’s, with sign: “Home of the Tiny Hat” ] [ SUPER: “One Week Later” ] [ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]
Vanessa: To Trish!
Sylvia: [ irked ] To Trish?! To Trish?! W-what, did she get another stupid hat?!
Sylvia: I mean it! As far as I’m concerned, she can just take all her little hats and shove them up her —
Vanessa: [ calmy ] Trish… died this morning.[ Sylvia appears stunned ]
Abby: She was in a motorcycle crash — [ choking up ] and her helmet was tiny.[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again, crying ]
Fashion Designer: Ohhhhhhhhhh! [ to Sylvia ] It should have been you![ he walks off ]
Sylvia: Oh… I feel awful…[ suddenly, Trish sits down ]
Trish: Oh! Am I late?
Vanessa: Trish! You’re alive!
Trish: [ she laughs ] Faking your own death is the NEW tiny hat![ the flamboyant Fashion Designer returns, cheerful as ever ]
Fashion Designer: Hat’s all, folks![ they all share the laugh, as Sylvia shoves pepper down her throat ] [ dissolve to New York Post headline: “Pope: ‘You Go, Trish!'” ] [ fade ]