Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
Amy Poehler’s Monologue
…..Amy Poehler
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Justin Timberlake
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Tina Fey
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Paul Brittain
…..Taran Killam
…..Seth Meyers
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Jay Pharoah
…..Kristen Wiig
Security Guard…..Fred Armisen
Lorne Michaels…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow! Thank you so much. It is good to be back. Hosting “SNL” is completely surreal for me. When I was in the cast, we would every now and then get a real diva host. And if I ever hosted, I would be that diva… And I am the best in the world!!
[ Amy bows. ]
Amy Poehler: For those of you who don’t know a lot about me, much like Betty White, I’m 88 1/2 years old. I’ve been very busy since I left “SNL”. I’m proud to be part of another wonderful show called “Parks & Recreation”.
[ Cheers and applause from the audience. ]
Amy Poehler: It is a one-hour cop drama; where I play Rebecca Parks, a tough-talking cop always butting heads with her ex-husband/drug kingpin Jeff Recreation. Check it out! Since I left the show, a lot has happened. I’ve had two beautiful boys… [ Cheers and applause from the audience. ] I’ve also had two sons… so I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell them about the beautiful boys I’ve had. But between us, the two beautiful boys were Nick Jonas & Taylor Lautner — and to them I say, “You’re welcome!”
This is an exciting night! We have four new cast members and I’m honored to share their first episode. Can we cut to them?
[ Vanessa, Paul, Taran and Jay are huddled together; smiling and/or waving. ]
Amy Poehler (V/O): And can we cut back?
[ Back to Home Base. ]
Amy Poehler: Can’t let them get too cocky! But seriously guys – welcome! It’s great to have four people here who’re as nervous as I am. You know, when I used to work here, it was the craziest thing. I would have these stress dreams that I was going to be late for the show. And I hoped those days were behind me, but last night, right on schedule – I had one of those dreams.
[ DISSOLVE TO: A “TWILIGHT ZONE” ESQUE MONTAGE WITH AMY’S BIG WIG CHARACTER FROM SEASON 32 IN CENTER. ]
[ INT. 30 ROCK LOBBY – NIGHT ]
[ Amy enters breathless. A SECURITY GUARD stands guard. ]
Amy Poehler: Fred, I’m late for work!
Security Guard: Oh, I’m not Fred. I’m a security guard and everyone’s mad at you.
[ Amy races around the ticket booths. ]
Amy Poehler: Oh my God! Oh no! Nasim, why are you in my Kaitlin costume!?
[ Nasim’s dressed as Amy’s recurring character Kaitlin. ]
Nasim Pedrad (as Kaitlin): Guess what!? I’m Kaitlin now!
Amy Poehler: What!? No!!!
[ Nasim exits shouting “Rick! Rick! Rick!” ]
Amy Poehler: Wiig!
[ Amy rushes over to Kristen, who’s dressed in a “Laugh-In”-esque go-go costume. ]
Kristen Wiig: Just want to make sure you remember the complicated dance routine!
[ Kristen showcases a series of choreographed steps. ]
Kristen Wiig: Kickball change, kickball change… Peanut butter n’ jelly! Peanut butter – JELLY! Knife catch, knife catch! Got it?
[ Kristen shimmies out of camera frame. ]
Amy Poehler: What!? I have no idea what you’re talking about! Justin!
[ Amy rushes over to Justin Timberlake. ]
Amy Poehler: I’m so nervous.
Justin Timberlake: It’s gonna be okay!
Amy Poehler: Wow!
Justin Timberlake: You wanna rehearse our kissing scene?
[ Amy faces the camera and cracks a grin. ]
Amy Poehler: Why yes! I’d love too!
[ Amy faces Justin eye-to-eye while he tries to kiss her cheek. Amy pivots her head to his lips and they make contact. ]
Justin Timberlake: Ugh!! You’re a terrible kisser!!! I’m going to tell the whole world!
[ Justin moves toward the camera till he’s out of frame. ]
Justin Timberlake: I’m Justin Timberlake and Amy Poehler’s a terrible kisser!!!
Amy Poehler: No! Oh my God!! Help!!! Can someone help me!? Rachel!
[ Rachel Dratch appears. ]
Rachel Dratch: Hey!
Amy Poehler: Hey!
Rachel Dratch: Hi! Hey, Poehler-Bear!
Amy Poehler: Dratch-Bear!
[ Rachel points off-screen. ]
Rachel Dratch: No! Polar Bear!
Amy Poehler: What?
[ A polar bear barges in. Amy screams. The bear drags Rachel away. ]
Rachel Dratch: AVENGE ME!!! AVENGE ME!!!
Amy Poehler: I can’t! I have to do “Update”! Seth!
[ Amy goes over to Seth. ]
Seth Meyers: No… I don’t think we’re doing “Update” tonight.
Amy Poehler: Why?
Seth Meyers: Because they’re back!
Amy Poehler: Who?
Seth Meyers: THEY’RE BACK!!!
[ Seth makes a fearful quick exit as Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey sandwich themselves between Amy and push her around. The audience goes berserk upon seeing the former news team. ]
Jimmy Fallon: [Brooklyn accent] That’s right! No “Update” for you, squirt!
Tina Fey: [Brooklyn accent] Maybe if you’re lucky, we’ll let you do a walk-on!
Jimmy Fallon: [Brooklyn accent] Oh! And Lorne said, “You better not pee your pants!”
Tina Fey: [Brooklyn accent] No! He said, “You SHOULD pee your pants!”
[ Jimmy & Tina guffaw to the camera and out of frame. ]
Amy Poehler: What am I supposed to do!? Am I supposed to pee my pants or not pee my pants!? Lorne!
VLorne Michaels: Believe me, all you need to do is relax. You’re only in a dream.
Amy Poehler: How do you know?
Lorne Michaels: Well, I have this…
[ Lorne pulls out the brushed silver top from “Inception”. ]
Lorne Michaels: It’s a gift that I got from my friend Leo… DiCaprio!
[ Lorne spins the top on a small table in front. ]
[ DISSOLVE TO: HOME BASE. ]
Amy Poehler: Wow! Crazy dream, right? Tonight really is a dream come true. We got a great show for you tonight! Katy Perry is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!
Submitted by: Cody Downs
