Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
Amy Poehler’s Monologue
Security Guard…..Fred Armisen
Lorne Michaels…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow! Thank you so much. It is good to be back. Hosting “SNL” is completely surreal for me. When I was in the cast, we would every now and then get a real diva host. And if I ever hosted, I would be that diva… And I am the best in the world!!
[ Amy bows. ]
Amy Poehler: For those of you who don’t know a lot about me, much like Betty White, I’m 88 1/2 years old. I’ve been very busy since I left “SNL”. I’m proud to be part of another wonderful show called “Parks & Recreation”.
[ Cheers and applause from the audience. ]
Amy Poehler: It is a one-hour cop drama; where I play Rebecca Parks, a tough-talking cop always butting heads with her ex-husband/drug kingpin Jeff Recreation. Check it out! Since I left the show, a lot has happened. I’ve had two beautiful boys… [ Cheers and applause from the audience. ] I’ve also had two sons… so I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell them about the beautiful boys I’ve had. But between us, the two beautiful boys were Nick Jonas & Taylor Lautner — and to them I say, “You’re welcome!”
This is an exciting night! We have four new cast members and I’m honored to share their first episode. Can we cut to them?
[ Vanessa, Paul, Taran and Jay are huddled together; smiling and/or waving. ]
Amy Poehler (V/O): And can we cut back?
[ Back to Home Base. ]
Amy Poehler: Can’t let them get too cocky! But seriously guys – welcome! It’s great to have four people here who’re as nervous as I am. You know, when I used to work here, it was the craziest thing. I would have these stress dreams that I was going to be late for the show. And I hoped those days were behind me, but last night, right on schedule – I had one of those dreams.
[ DISSOLVE TO: A “TWILIGHT ZONE” ESQUE MONTAGE WITH AMY’S BIG WIG CHARACTER FROM SEASON 32 IN CENTER. ]
[ INT. 30 ROCK LOBBY – NIGHT ]
[ Amy enters breathless. A SECURITY GUARD stands guard. ]
Amy Poehler: Fred, I’m late for work!
Security Guard: Oh, I’m not Fred. I’m a security guard and everyone’s mad at you.
[ Amy races around the ticket booths. ]
Amy Poehler: Oh my God! Oh no! Nasim, why are you in my Kaitlin costume!?
[ Nasim’s dressed as Amy’s recurring character Kaitlin. ]
Nasim Pedrad (as Kaitlin): Guess what!? I’m Kaitlin now!
Amy Poehler: What!? No!!!
[ Nasim exits shouting “Rick! Rick! Rick!” ]
Amy Poehler: Wiig!
[ Amy rushes over to Kristen, who’s dressed in a “Laugh-In”-esque go-go costume. ]
Kristen Wiig: Just want to make sure you remember the complicated dance routine!
[ Kristen showcases a series of choreographed steps. ]
Kristen Wiig: Kickball change, kickball change… Peanut butter n’ jelly! Peanut butter – JELLY! Knife catch, knife catch! Got it?
[ Kristen shimmies out of camera frame. ]
Amy Poehler: What!? I have no idea what you’re talking about! Justin!
[ Amy rushes over to Justin Timberlake. ]
Amy Poehler: I’m so nervous.
Justin Timberlake: It’s gonna be okay!
Amy Poehler: Wow!
Justin Timberlake: You wanna rehearse our kissing scene?
[ Amy faces the camera and cracks a grin. ]
Amy Poehler: Why yes! I’d love too!
[ Amy faces Justin eye-to-eye while he tries to kiss her cheek. Amy pivots her head to his lips and they make contact. ]
Justin Timberlake: Ugh!! You’re a terrible kisser!!! I’m going to tell the whole world!
[ Justin moves toward the camera till he’s out of frame. ]
Justin Timberlake: I’m Justin Timberlake and Amy Poehler’s a terrible kisser!!!
Amy Poehler: No! Oh my God!! Help!!! Can someone help me!? Rachel!
[ Rachel Dratch appears. ]
Rachel Dratch: Hey!
Amy Poehler: Hey!
Rachel Dratch: Hi! Hey, Poehler-Bear!
Amy Poehler: Dratch-Bear!
[ Rachel points off-screen. ]
Rachel Dratch: No! Polar Bear!
Amy Poehler: What?
[ A polar bear barges in. Amy screams. The bear drags Rachel away. ]
Rachel Dratch: AVENGE ME!!! AVENGE ME!!!
Amy Poehler: I can’t! I have to do “Update”! Seth!
[ Amy goes over to Seth. ]
Seth Meyers: No… I don’t think we’re doing “Update” tonight.
Amy Poehler: Why?
Seth Meyers: Because they’re back!
Amy Poehler: Who?
Seth Meyers: THEY’RE BACK!!!
[ Seth makes a fearful quick exit as Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey sandwich themselves between Amy and push her around. The audience goes berserk upon seeing the former news team. ]
Jimmy Fallon: [Brooklyn accent] That’s right! No “Update” for you, squirt!
Tina Fey: [Brooklyn accent] Maybe if you’re lucky, we’ll let you do a walk-on!
Jimmy Fallon: [Brooklyn accent] Oh! And Lorne said, “You better not pee your pants!”
Tina Fey: [Brooklyn accent] No! He said, “You SHOULD pee your pants!”
[ Jimmy & Tina guffaw to the camera and out of frame. ]
Amy Poehler: What am I supposed to do!? Am I supposed to pee my pants or not pee my pants!? Lorne!
VLorne Michaels: Believe me, all you need to do is relax. You’re only in a dream.
Amy Poehler: How do you know?
Lorne Michaels: Well, I have this…
[ Lorne pulls out the brushed silver top from “Inception”. ]
Lorne Michaels: It’s a gift that I got from my friend Leo… DiCaprio!
[ Lorne spins the top on a small table in front. ]
[ DISSOLVE TO: HOME BASE. ]
Amy Poehler: Wow! Crazy dream, right? Tonight really is a dream come true. We got a great show for you tonight! Katy Perry is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!
Submitted by: Cody Downs