Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
Mosque at Ground Zero
Bride…..Vanessa Bayer
Lesbian Partner…..Amy Poehler
Pitchman…..Bill Hader
[ open on footage of a bride walking down the aisle ]
Announcer: You’ve dreamed about this day forever…
[ the bride holds out her hands, reaching out for her lesbian partner ]
Announcer: The day of your gay wedding.
And shouldn’t the most special day of your life… be celebrated in the most special place on Earth?
[ the two women stand before a Muslim congregation, as the scene freezes and the Pitchman pops into frame ]
Pitchman: THE NEW MOSQUE AT GROUND ZERO!! Coming this Fall!! It’s so much MORE than a mosque!!
[ images pop onto the screen as he makes his pitch ]
Pitchman: It’s gonna have a gym! A swimming pool! A child care center! And it’s THE! PLACE! For your GAY WEDDING!!
[ images of people appear ]
Pitchman: Weddings for two women! Weddings for two men! Weddings for a person and an animal!
Fabulous!
Classy!
Friendly!
It’s FIRST Class from top to bottom! For tops and bottoms! With a 20% discount for active military!
And the Mosque at Ground Zero’s conveniently located — you guessed it! Just a stone’s throw from Ground Zero!
[ show map ]
Pitchman: Controversial? Maybe. Fun? Definitely!
‘Cause we also offer up great services! Like: Free naturalization for Mexican citizens! A state-of-the-art pregnancy termination lounge! And a cafe featuring a full espresso bar!
The Mosque at Ground Zero! [ subdued ] It’s nothing to worry about.
[ freeze-frame to negative slide ]
Announcer: It could happen. Paid for by the Republican National Committee. And 70% of the DNC.
[ fade ]
