Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
Ted Jessup…..Jason Sudeikis
Jim Boucher…..Bill Hader
Christine O’Donnell…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on exterior, RNC Headquarters ]
[ SUPER: “Washington, DC, Republican National Committee Headquarters” ]
[ dissolve to interior office, as a knock sounds at the door ]
Ted Jessup: Come in.
[ Secretary enters office ]
Secretary: Mr. Jessup? Christine O’Donnell is here.
Ted Jessup: Hmm. Have her come in. [ to Jim Boucher ] Oh, boy.
Jim Boucher: Yeah.
[ they stand, as Christine O’Donnell enters ]
Christine O’Donnell: [ sweetly ] Hi-i-i-i!
Ted Jessup: Hi, Christine. How are you? I’m Ted Jessup. This is Jim Boucher.
[ they all shake hands, then sit ]
Ted Jessup: Christine, Jim and I are handling the RNC role in your Delaware Senate campaign.
Christine O’Donnell: Okay.
Jim Boucher: Obviously, the Republican National Committee did not support you in the primary.
Ted Jessup: Mmm-hmm. But! You won fair and square. You are the Republican nominee… and we are behind you one-hundred percent.
Christine O’Donnell: Thank you. It’s nice to hear.
Ted Jessup: Mmm-hmm. Now, the latest polls have you trailing, uh — but that’s because of the media’s fixation on trivial things from the past. Like your… talking about dabbling in witchcraft on Bill Mahar’s show…
Christine O’Donnell: [ smiling ] You guys! I was only sixteen! Have you ever been sixteen?
Jim Boucher: It was also your claim that scientists developed mice with human brains.
Christine O’Donnell: [ she throws up her arms and smiles ] I don’t even remember saying that! You know? But I guess I did!
Jim Boucher: It’s on videotape.
Ted Jessup: Yeah. Uh — and, of course, there’s your anti-masturbation campaign.
Christine O’Donnell: [ recalling with delight ] Ohhhh! It was fifteen years ago! I was in my early twenties! Come on!
Ted Jessup: Alright, listen. We’re not worried about it, okay? If anything, the media’s obsession with masturbation makes them look bad. It’s creepy.
Christine O’Donnell: Look — when I started that anti-masturbation campaign…
Ted Jessup: No! Christine, Christine. Honestly. Forget it. It’s old news.
Christine O’Donnell: No, no, no, no — this is important. When I started that campaign — and I’ll be totally honest with you — I, frankly, did not understand what masturbation was.
Ted Jessup: [ confused ] Okay.
Christine O’Donnell: It turns out, I was confusing it with something else! [ she laughs ]
Ted Jessup: I see.
Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. And, as soon as I understood that, I TOTALLY reversed my policy on masturbation! Okay? Yeah? I bet you didn’t hear that from the media, right?
Ted Jessup: Nope.
Jim Boucher: I did not.
Christine O’Donnell: I will have you know… that I masturbate… constantly.
Ted Jessup: Really?
Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. I masturbated this morning when I woke up, uh, again in the shower, then while eating breakfast, and, uh, in the taxi on the way over here.
Ted Jessup: Uh, okay — Christine! You know, you don’t need to —
Christine O’Donnell: No! And I’m gonna tell you something else: In a few minutes, I’m going to want to masturbate again.
Jim Boucher: Okay — well, then, uh, to keep this meeting short!
Ted Jessup: [ chuckling ] Uh, well, Christine, here it is in a nutshell: We’re gonna do everything we can to help you win the Delaware Senate race. But, first — you have to help us help you.
Christine O’Donnell: Okay.
Ted Jessup: Okay. Now — is there anything else you can think of from your past — anything at all — that might be problematic?
Jim Boucher: Trust us — it’s gonna come out. And, when it does, we’ll need a response.
Christine O’Donnell: Uhhh — [ she shakes her head ] No. Nothing.
Ted Jessup: You sure?
Christine O’Donnell: Yes.
Jim Boucher: Nothing in the new Bill Mahar tapes?
Christine O’Donnell: Nope.
Ted Jessup: No arrests?
Christine O’Donnell: No.
Jim Boucher: Traffic accidents?
Christine O’Donnell: No-ooo.
Jim Boucher: DWIs?
Christine O’Donnell: NO! No. [ she smiles ]
Ted Jessup: Good! Good! Okay, alright. We just need to be sure, because this race is gonna tighten up. And, when it does, it’s gonna be a real DOG fight. I need you to understand that.
Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. Look — please don’t try to tell me about dog fights, okay? [ smugly ] I know all about dog fights! For your information, gentlemen — I used to run a business staging dog fights!
[ Ted and Jim are stunned ]
Ted Jessup: Really?
Jim Boucher: Dog fights, uh, like Michael Vick?
Christine O’Donnell: No. Much better than Michael Vick’s! I’ve been to Michael Vick’s dog fights. They were LAME! Mine? Mine have action! Hard-core dog fighting action!
Jim Boucher: Really?
Christine O’Donnell: You know, it taught me a lot about leadership… and about running a business. And, anyway, I was like 28!
Ted Jessup: Okay. Okay. Alright. Uh, look — Cbristine. Earlier, when we asked if there was anything in the past, anything that could be used against you in the campaign? Yeah? Remember that? Yeah. This is exactly the kind of thing we had in mind.
Christine O’Donnell: You guys! [ whispering ] No one cares!
Jim Boucher: Yeah, but the plan to address this could be a problem.
Christine O’Donnell: I’m gonna let you two hotshots figure that out. Me? I’m gonna masturbate!
[ cut to black ]
[ SUPER: “3 1/2 Minutes Later” ]
[ return to office ]
Christine O’Donnell: Whew! That was good! I am hungry. Do you guys have anything to eat?
Ted Jessup: Uh — we’re almost finished.
Christine O’Donnell: You know — while I was masturbating, I remembered something else.
Ted Jessup: Really.
Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. don’t know — [ she waves her hand and laughs ] It’s probably nothing!
Jim Boucher: Go ahead.
Christine O’Donnell: In college, I — I burned somebody’s house down.
Ted Jessup: Arson?
Christine O’Donnell: Yes. But not for money. For revenge.
Ted Jessup: Okay! Alright! Christine, I’m gonna stop you right here, because this is getting into a, uh — uh — trick legal area, and [ to Jim ] we probably shouldn’t be hearing this.
Christine O’Donnell: Exactly! And, you know what? The people of Delaware don’t want to hear about it, either. They want to hear about our future, of taking back our country and restoring the founders’ vision. Right? Things like that!
Ted Jessup: Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Well, you’re right. You’re right! No, it’s ancient history. So, uh, anyway — I think we’ve covered everything here. Unless, Jim — you, uh, you have something?
Christine O’Donnell: Uhhhhh — no! I’m good.
Ted Jessup: No? Okay. And, uh, Christine, I know you have to get back to Delaware.
Christine O’Donnell: I know, I have three events today. Busy bee!
[ they all laugh ]
Ted Jessup: Okay.
Jim Boucher: Thanks for coming in.
Christine O’Donnell: Ohhh, thanks for having me.
[ O’Donnell stands, grabs a broom and pulls a witch’s hat over her head ]
Christine O’Donnell: Okay. My pleasure!
Ted Jessup: Alright.
Jim Boucher: Take care.
Ted Jessup: Good luck!
Christine O’Donnell: Okay!
[ O’Donnell jump onto the broom as she rises in the air ]
Christine O’Donnell: And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”