Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 2
10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West
The Bjelland Brothers
Jeffrey…..Bryan Cranston
Dan…..Fred Armisen
[Opens with an outside shot of the Target Center arena]
[ Caption: “Minneapolis, MN.” ]
[Cuts to the stage with two long-haired old school soft rock singers. The band behind them play a jangly soft rock song]
Dan: Good evening, everybody!
Jeffrey: Hello! Thank you all for coming.
Dan: Wow!
Jeffrey: Are you ready, Dan?
Dan: I’m always ready. Oh, yeah.
Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”
Jeffrey: Oh, remember this song?
Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”
[soft rock theme continues]
Dan: Thank you all so much for coming here tonight. It means so much to me and my brother Jeffrey.
Jeffrey: It sure does. [to the audience] Can you all see us? Even the people in the back? Is that–
Dan: Turn the house lights up a little. We want to see the crowd. [looks into the audience] Mmm, look at that. There aren’t that many people here tonight.
Jeffrey: It’s what professional singers describe as “lightly attended”.
Dan: There are pockets of people. I see a nice little crowd right over there. [points] Hello!
[Three people wander around the empty arena]
Jeffrey: Still, a few more people would’ve been nice. [pointing to the stands] It seems like whole sections are empty.
Dan: Whole sections… you know what? That’s okay. This is our hometown. And we love you!
Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”
Dan: Hello!
[soft rock theme continues]
Jeffrey: You know, this song hit the Top 200 on the Minnesota charts back in 1979. It’s our only song. How about that?
Dan: It was so nice seeing our name up there. “The Bjelland Brothers”. You know, printed local music magazine. We were shocked.
Jeffrey: Especially since the song itself was written fairly quickly, believe it or not.
Dan: It’s very true. I had sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to a woman I was very interested in…
Jeffrey: Very interested.
Dan: …and I didn’t hear back from her as to whether or not she got it. I was very depressed for about a year. Until one day I walked out into my garage and saw a bottle of sparkling apple juice underneath my table. So, as it turns out, I never sent it.
Jeffrey: He’s very forgetful.
Dan: But you know something? We did get this wonderful song out of it.
Jeffrey: We did.
Dan: What a wonderful thing that is! To write beautiful music.
Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”
Dan: [to the band] Say hello to our band. They’ve been working so hard on this 3-day tour.
Jeffrey: You know, we’ve lost a lot of money on this tour. A lot of money.
Dan: We bought two buses. You know how much a bus costs? We could’ve rented them, but I was just being show-offy in front of my new assistant. So dumb.
Jeffrey: [holding his arms in disbelief] We also hired a chef!
Dan: So stupid. You guys look like a really good crowd.
Jeffrey: They do…they do.
Dan: Do you guys want to sing along? Okay, bring the music down.
[music goes down]
Jeffrey: Bring it down, you guys. Bring the music down just a little.
Dan: [sings] “I sent a—” [holds microphone out into the audience]
Audience: “–bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”
Jeffrey: Oh!
[Dan and Jeffrey hold their microphones out to the audience]
Audience: “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”
Dan: Bring it back up! [soft rock theme comes back stronger] This is the only song we’re doing tonight!
[cut to outside of the Target Center in Minneapolis, MN]
Dan and Jeffrey: “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent—”
[fade]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
