Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 2
[ open on exterior, suburban house, night ]
[ dissolve to interior, basement, as Henry paints a mural on the wall ]
Henry: [ singing ]
“Pegasus, Pegasus, I like your shape
That’s because –”
Dad’s Voice: HENRY!!
[ Dad enters the basement ]
Dad: Pegasus looks GREAT!
Henry: Thanks, Dad!
Dad: Hey, can I talk to you a minute, son?
[ Henry puts his paint supplies down and steps closer to Dad ]
Dad: Now, I-I know the fifth grade can be rough — your mom tells me you’re getting picked on by some bullies.
Henry: Yeah! Today they somehow fit me into my own backpack!
Dad: Well, you’re WAY small.
Henry: Yeah, WAY small! Yeah, definitely the smallest boy. Probably smaller than ALL but a couple of girls!
Dad: That’s okay, because I’m gonna teach you how to defend yourself! You know why?
Henry: ‘Cause you were a Green Beret?
Dad: ‘Cause I was a Green Beret! And because I… love… YOU! Alright, Henry! Now — feet steady, hands up, eyes on the target, and COME AT ME!!
[ Henry rushes toward his Dad, only to punched square in the forehead and dropped to the floor ]
Henry: Ow, Dad!
Dad: Alright, Champ. Okay. You’re alright. Now, what happened there?
Henry: [ he catches his breath ] Yeah, let’s talk about it! Uhhh — I got my BUTT handed to me, right off the bat!
Dad: Yeah. Yeah. Now, now, what did you think you did wrong?
Henry: Well, I’ll be honest: I went in with LITTLE to NO strategy —
Henry: Then, there was the whole punch-in-the-face moment, and it was pretty much just Lights Out from there!
Dad: Yeah, that’s right, Henry. And at what point did you lose the upper hand?
Henry: Ohhh, I’d say from the get-go, and then pretty much steadily throughout!
Dad: And what are you gonna do right now?
Henry: Well… my suggestion is that we both step away from this for about an hour, maybe process this. That way, I can get back to my mural.
Dad: Or: You can come at me EVEN HARDER!
Dad: Now, WHAT are you?!
Dad: What do want to BE?!
Dad: HOW are you gonna do that?!
Henry: I’m gonna fight and win!
Dad: NOW!! COME AT ME!!
[ Henry rushes forward, but Dad is able to hold him back with one arm stretched outward ]
Henry: OW!! OW!! Dad — Ow!
[ suddenly, Dad knocks Henry to the floor with a suckerpunch ]
Dad: Aw, Henry, dammit! Are you okay?
Henry: Yes. But — ow!
Dad: Oh, now what happened there, Champ, huh?
Henry: Let’s see — Once again, I got ABSOLUTELY dominated —
Dad: Yeah, you got ABSOLUTELY dominated! Now, WHY did you let me DO that?!
Henry: Well, that time I was focused on staing on the balls of my feet —
Henry: So THAT all checked out.
Henry: But that I-was-punched-in-the-face time, and I just have NO answer for that!
Dad: Now, Henry, you gotta keep your arms UP!
Henry: Right! Again, Dad, I feel like everything you’re saying makes perfect sense on paper… but, when I’m actually IN the fight —
Dad: It’s a lot harder.
Henry: It’s a LOT harder, yeah! I get tired, like, almost immediately. If I’m being completely honest, there ARE moments during the fight when I wish I was doing ANYTHING else! And, again, there’s just a WHOLE lot of thinking about my mural!
Dad: Oh, yeah — and it SHOWS! Now, I need to hear it again: What are you?
Dad: What do you wanna be?
Henry: A mural artist?
Dad: [ disgusted ] HEN-RYYYY!
Dad: Now, okay! What should you do with FEAR?!
Henry: Have less of it?
Dad: Right! Right! Right! So come on — let’s DO thiS! KNOCK! ME! OUT!
[ Henry lunges toward his dad, but is immediately placed in a chokehold ]
Dad: Now, Henry — why’d you — why’d you let me get you in a chokehold?
Henry: Uhhh — you’re asking me to take myself OUT of the situation —
Henry: But I’m STILL very much IN it! Also, could you let go? ‘Cause I think my face is starting to DIE!
Dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa…
Mom’s Voice: Boys! Dinner’s ready!
[ Dad releass his grip on Henry ]
Dad: Okay, we’ll be up in a minute! [ to Henry ] Okay. Ready?
[ Dad lays another suckerpunch across Henry’s face and drops him to the floor ]
Dad: Alright, Son. Now, what happened there, Henry?
Henry: I don’t knoooowwww. I mean, looking back, I’m very PROUD of my performance. I did EVERYTHING right. I mean, in the end, it just came down to superior size and strength!
Dad: Well, obviously, this is gonna take some time. But, I gotta say, you are improving crazy-fast!
Henry: Yeah! I’m improving CRAZY-Fast!
Dad: [ chuckling ] And I LOVE you, buddy, but you’re WAY small!
Henry: WAY small!
[ Dad wraps his arm around Henry and peads the boys upstairs ]
[ cut to exterior view of the house ]
[ fade ]