Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 2
The Miley Cyrus Show
Miley Cyrus…..Vanessa Bayer
Billy Ray Cyrus…..Bryan Cranston
Johnny Depp…..Paul Brittain
[ opening logo ]
Miley Cyrus V/O: Hey, y’all! It’s “The Miley Cyrus Show”! with ME — Miley Cyrus!
Jingle: “I got guests, and a show
And I’m ready to go!
So I guess that’s… pretty cool.
It’s pretty cool!”
[ dissolve to Miley Cyrus standing in place for her monologue ]
Miley Cyrus: Hello, its Miley, yall! This is like my show where I like talk to people who are pretty cool and well like talk about things I think are pretty cool, and yeah, its pretty cool! And my Miley Cyrus band over here, we got Billy Ray Cyrus!
Billy Ray Cyrus: Miley, you are an absolute sunshine! It is just nuts how special you are. You are like Gods gift!
Miley Cyrus: Okay dad, thank you. Ok, so now Im gonna do like, my comedy monologue. So I dont know if yall saw, but theres a study that like, only 5% of French people go to the gym. So, I thought that was pretty funny because like, 5%? Thats a PRETTY small number of people going to the gym! So thats my monologue. I thought it was pretty funny.
Billy Ray Cyrus: [laughing; the drummer in the background laughs as well] Oh, baby, you are hi-larious! You are like a pretty little George Lopez!
Miley Cyrus: [embarrassed] Okay! So, my guest tonight is a really serious actor and stuff like that, and now Im a serious actor and stuff like that, so this will be pretty cool. Please give a big Shellow to Johnny Depp! [Depp enters, disinterested and barely hugs her] So, Johnny Depp, you play a creepy guy a lot, which I think is pretty cool.
Johnny Depp: Yes, I uh, enjoy exploring some, uh, darker characters.
Miley Cyrus: Yeah, me too! So, Ive [brief pause for audience laughs], Ive been a fan of yours going like all the way back to Willy Wonka, and theres something that Ive always wanted to ask you: Like, how do you pick out which movies youre gonna do and like whats your favorite movie you ever did and like whats your favorite role you ever did and like whos your best friend and like how tall are you and like what eyeliner do you wear and like are you American?
Johnny Depp: Well, its… kind of a lot to process…
Billy Ray Cyrus: [laughing] Look out, Depp! My baby girl wants some answers, [does a lame gesture with both pointer fingers] shes coming to get em!
Miley Cyrus: [embarrassed] Dad!
Billy Ray Cyrus: You make me smile!
Miley Cyrus: So, Johnny Depp! Like, what is your next movie thats coming out?
Johnny Depp: Actually, Tim Burton and I are working on a haunting adaptation of Good Night, Moon.
Miley Cyrus: [nods with slight confusion] Yeah, thats pretty cool! So like, lets roll the clip!
Johnny Depp: Oh, I didnt bring a clip!
Miley Cyrus: No, its a clip from my movie. I think youre gonna like it cause its like, really dramatic. Lets roll that clip!
[Miley and a soldier in uniform stand in the front yard of a house; the movie is titled Goodbye, Jeff and dramatic piano music is playing]
Jeff: When you miss me, just think of that old oak tree out in the yard and remember my promise.
Miley Cyrus: This is so sad, because like, youre my boyfriend and like, we just fell in love and stuff like that, and its like so dramatic cause youre going off to war and stuff like that, [the soldier looks at the camera in confusion] and this is just like, so not cool! [Miley looks at the camera and grins; the clip ends]
Miley Cyrus: So, that was like, pretty cool, right? Okay! Well, thats our show! I thought it was pretty cool!
Johnny Depp: Is that it? I flew here from the south of France.
Miley Cyrus: Oh my god, I love France! Did you know that like, only 5% of French people go to the gym? Remember that? Its from my monologue. Thats pretty funny. Well, thanks for watching, yall! [Theme song starts] Come on dad, lets hit it! [Billy ray comes with his guitar] I got guests/ and a show / and Im ready to go / so I guess thats pretty cool!
Billy Ray Cyrus: Cool!
Miley Cyrus: Its pretty cool!
Billy Ray Cyrus: Pretty cool!
Submitted by: Joe Murray