Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 2
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg
Peter Rouse…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on C-Span “Next” card ]
Announcer: Next on C-SPAN: Yesterday, at a special ceremony, Rahm Emanuel officially stepped down as White House Chief of Staff.
[ dissolve to President Barack Obama behind podium, flanked by a confident Rahm Emanuel and timid Peter Rouse ]
President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Uh, good morning. Uh, today my administration says goodbye to a friend… a fighter… a warrior. A man you want in your corner when the going gets rough. A man who won’t take “No” for an answer. A man who has twisted a few arms and, uh, poked a few chests. A man who knows no fear, but knows how to make others afraid. You know him as Rahm Emanuel, but, to me, he will always be Rahmbo.
[ the two men bump fists ]
Uhh, Rahm will be replaced as White House Chief of Staff by Peter Rouse. Uh, Pete hails from Connecticut and is a lover of cats. [ Rouse shies away ] Come on back, Pete. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Uh, but enough about me. Today belongs to Rahm. Rahm?
Rahm Emanuel: Thank you, Mr. President. As the president reminded us just now, I do have a certain reputation amongst my colleagues in the administration and Congress. Now, has my manner sometimes been a bit aggressive? Probably. Could my personality be fairly described as abrasive? Yes, it could. Do I lack even basic social skills? Absolutely. Does a little bit of me go a long way? Indeed, it does. In my job, have I at times used ugly strong-arm methods to get support for this president’s agenda? Guilty as charged. But, remember: there’s a big difference between arguing a point passionately and committing actual physical violence. And that’s a difference I completely lost sight of. Not in every case, but almost. And for that I am truly very sorry. Now, Pete? Come here. Come here, buddy.
[ Rouse reluctantly inches closer ]
If there’s one piece of advice that I can give to you, it’s this: Everyone in Washington is trying to kill you! All! The! Time! And it’s kill or be killed. Are you ready to kill a man, Pete?
[ Rouse shakes his head with fear ]
Are you ready to choke a man over a vote?
Peter Rouse: [ whimpering ] I don’t think so!
Rahm Emanuel: ‘Cause this is prison rules now, baby! Olay? On the first day, you gotta walk up to the biggest congressman you can find and say, ‘Nice to meet you.’ And when he goes to shake your hand, you STAB him in the NECK with a pencil! And then you scream, for everyone to hear: “I am Pete Rouse! But you can call me King f’n Kong! If any of you ladies got a problem with that, I will FIGHT you in the men’s room!” You ready to be King Kong, Pete?
Peter Rouse: [ crying ] No-o-o!
Rahm Emanuel: Are you ready to let the part of you that’s human die?
Peter Rouse: No! I don’t think I want this job any more…
Rahm Emanuel: You can’t cry, buddy. Okay? If you cry, it’s over. If you cry, it’s shawshank! Here. I want you to have this. [ he holds up a razor blade ] It’s a razor blade. Keep it in your mouth. Hopefully, you’ll never have to use it, but it’s still nice to feel the metal against your gums.
Peter Rouse: [ crying, as he removes the blade from his mouth ] I wanna go ho-o-ome!
Rahm Emanuel: [ he puts his finger on Rouse’s lips ] Shhhh, shhhh! [ whispering ] You have no home now. Home is for people. But you? You’re a monster.
[ Emanuel kisses Rouse’s forehead, then shoves him off-screen ]
Today I am leaving the hardest and the best job I’ve ever had. Now, did I make a difference? I hope so. I do know one thing for certain: [ he sniffles ] I made a lot of friends. [ he looks off-screen ] What’s that? I didn’t? Really? No friends at all? Right. Because of my personality. [ he tsks ] Well, there’s not much more else to say. I want once again to thank the president for this opportunity, and to wish him good luck dealing with the new angry Republican majorities in Congress. On that score, I’m sure Pete will do just fine.
[ Rouse continues to cry ]
And, one last thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”