Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 2
An SNL Digital Short
Burglar #1…..Fred Armisen
Burglar #2…..Kenan Thompson
Pizza Man…..Bobby Moynihan
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to the sounds of a door being kicked in ] [ Homeowner wakes up in distress to the noise, looks at his clock to see it’s 3:24 in the morning, then looks out the bedroom window to see two burglars scurrying past ] [ the Homeowner jumps out of bed, grabs his cellphone and quickly dials 9-1-1 ] [ by now, the burglars are inside the house and closing in, so the Homeowner scoots under his bed ]
Voice: 9-1-1. What’s your emergency?[ from ground level, the burglars can be seen entering the bedroom ]
Burglar #1: Did you hear that?
Burglar #2: What? It’s nothing. Just get the stuff.
Burglar #1: Okay.[ the burglars exit the bedroom ] [ trying to keep quiet, the Homeowner pulls up an “Emergency 9-1-1′ app on his cellphone and presses the button ] [ screen:
The Automated Rescue Dispatch Application!
Homeowner: [ to himself ] Go, go, go, go, go…[ screen:
RESCUE DOGS 3D
coming soon” ]
Announcer: This summer! Helen Mirren is top dog in… “Rescue Dogs 3D”!
Homeowner: Come on…
Actress: I want your gun and your leash — you’re off the case!
Announcer: “Rescue Dogs 3D”! Sit, stay, help is on the way!
Voiceover: What is the nature of your emergency?[ screen:
Other” ] [ Homeowner presses his selection ]
Voiceover: Roberry/Home Invasion.[ the burglars continue to pass at the window ]
Voiceover: Where should we send help?
Voiceover: GPS. Please select your theater for “Rescue Dogs 3D.”[ Homeowner presses a selection ]
Voiceover: Please pick a showtime for “Rescue Dogs 3D.”[ Homeowner tries to skip this step, but… ] [ screen: “You Must Choose a Showtime to Proceed” ]
Voiceover: Thank you for your purchase of 99 child tickets.[ the app accesses his Address Book ]
Homeowner: NO![ names zip by: Doug Abeles, Anthony Ableton, Ken Aymong, Hannibel Burress, Jillian Bell… ]
All 354 contacts emailed to join you at
RESCUE DOGS 3D” ] [ Homeowner looks up to see the burglars carrying his big screen TV past the window ] [ his cellphone flashes an ALERT! ]
Voiceover: Are you having a HUNGER EMERGENCY? Let the Rescue Dogs help, with 2 for 1 pizzas from Pizza Hut![ more crashing sounds in the background ]
Voiceover: Thanks for your order! Be patient, help is on the way!
Homeowner: Great… okay.[ screen:
Hey Dave, just got your email.
CANCEL. REPLY.” ] [ screen:
Haven’t heard from U in 5 years.
Rescue Dogs 3D?! Are U 4 real?!
CANCEL. REPLY.” ]
Homeowner: What..? NO![ he looks up to see the Pizza Man approach the two burglars ]
Pizza Man: Hey, you guys ordered Pizza Hut? I got your “Rescue Dogs” snack pack.
Burglar #2: [ outraged ] WHAT?! Let’s SHOOT this motherfucker!
Pizza Man: What?![ Burglar #1 fires three times and fells the Pizza Man ]
Homeowner: [ gasping at the sight ] Oh, sn– [ he covers his mouth, but it’s too late ] [ the burglars glance at the sound, spot the Homeowner crouched under his bed, and march inside ]
Burglar #2: Hey! Jim! Hey, Jim!
Homeowner: Wait! Don’t shoot! I didn’t see anything! Just take anything you want!
Burglar #2: Sorry… but no witnesses!
Homeowner: [ slo-mo ] Rescue Dog?[ the two burglars stare cautiously, as the Rescue Dog lunges into the air and bites off Burglar #1’s arm ] [ the Homeowner laughs triumphantly as the burglars rush out of the house ] [ the Rescue Dog leaps into the air for a high-five ]
Homeowner: Thank you, Rescue Dogs![ fade ]