SNL Transcripts: Bryan Cranston: 10/02/10: An SNL Digital Short


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

An SNL Digital Short

Homeowner…..Andy Samberg
Burglar #1…..Fred Armisen
Burglar #2…..Kenan Thompson
Actress…..Helen Mirren
Pizza Man…..Bobby Moynihan

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to the sounds of a door being kicked in ] [ Homeowner wakes up in distress to the noise, looks at his clock to see it’s 3:24 in the morning, then looks out the bedroom window to see two burglars scurrying past ] [ the Homeowner jumps out of bed, grabs his cellphone and quickly dials 9-1-1 ] [ by now, the burglars are inside the house and closing in, so the Homeowner scoots under his bed ]

Voice: 9-1-1. What’s your emergency?

[ from ground level, the burglars can be seen entering the bedroom ]

Voice: Hello?

[ the Homeowner hangs up his cellphone ]

Burglar #1: Did you hear that?

Burglar #2: What? It’s nothing. Just get the stuff.

Burglar #1: Okay.

[ the burglars exit the bedroom ] [ trying to keep quiet, the Homeowner pulls up an “Emergency 9-1-1′ app on his cellphone and presses the button ] [ screen:
“911 Emergency
The Automated Rescue Dispatch Application!
Loading…” ]

Homeowner: [ to himself ] Go, go, go, go, go…

[ screen:
“presented by
coming soon” ]

Announcer: This summer! Helen Mirren is top dog in… “Rescue Dogs 3D”!

Homeowner: Come on…

Actress: I want your gun and your leash — you’re off the case!

Announcer: “Rescue Dogs 3D”! Sit, stay, help is on the way!

Homeowner: Okay…

Voiceover: What is the nature of your emergency?

[ screen:
Robbery/Home Invasion
Car Accident
Other” ] [ Homeowner presses his selection ]

Voiceover: Roberry/Home Invasion.

[ the burglars continue to pass at the window ]

Voiceover: Where should we send help?

[ screen: “Current GPSEnter address” ]

Voiceover: GPS. Please select your theater for “Rescue Dogs 3D.”

[ Homeowner presses a selection ]

Voiceover: Please pick a showtime for “Rescue Dogs 3D.”

[ Homeowner tries to skip this step, but… ] [ screen: “You Must Choose a Showtime to Proceed” ]

Voiceover: Thank you for your purchase of 99 child tickets.

[ the app accesses his Address Book ]

Homeowner: NO!

[ names zip by: Doug Abeles, Anthony Ableton, Ken Aymong, Hannibel Burress, Jillian Bell… ]

Homeowner: NO!

[ screen:
All 354 contacts emailed to join you at
RESCUE DOGS 3D” ] [ Homeowner looks up to see the burglars carrying his big screen TV past the window ] [ his cellphone flashes an ALERT! ]

Voiceover: Are you having a HUNGER EMERGENCY? Let the Rescue Dogs help, with 2 for 1 pizzas from Pizza Hut!

[ more crashing sounds in the background ]

Voiceover: Thanks for your order! Be patient, help is on the way!

Homeowner: Great… okay.

[ screen:
Anthony Ableton
Hey Dave, just got your email.
CANCEL. REPLY.” ] [ screen:
“Anthony Ableton
Haven’t heard from U in 5 years.
Rescue Dogs 3D?! Are U 4 real?!

Homeowner: What..? NO!

[ he looks up to see the Pizza Man approach the two burglars ]

Pizza Man: Hey, you guys ordered Pizza Hut? I got your “Rescue Dogs” snack pack.

Burglar #2: [ outraged ] WHAT?! Let’s SHOOT this motherfucker!

Pizza Man: What?!

[ Burglar #1 fires three times and fells the Pizza Man ]

Homeowner: [ gasping at the sight ] Oh, sn– [ he covers his mouth, but it’s too late ] [ the burglars glance at the sound, spot the Homeowner crouched under his bed, and march inside ]

Burglar #2: Hey! Jim! Hey, Jim!

Homeowner: Wait! Don’t shoot! I didn’t see anything! Just take anything you want!

Burglar #2: Sorry… but no witnesses!

[ suddenly, a loud WOOF echos through the house ] [ everyone glances as one of the Rescue Dogs steps into the room ]

Homeowner: [ slo-mo ] Rescue Dog?

[ the two burglars stare cautiously, as the Rescue Dog lunges into the air and bites off Burglar #1’s arm ] [ the Homeowner laughs triumphantly as the burglars rush out of the house ] [ the Rescue Dog leaps into the air for a high-five ]

Homeowner: Thank you, Rescue Dogs!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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