Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 3
The New Boyfriend Talk Show
Gene Simmons…..Fred Armisen
Verne Troyer…..Bobby Moynihan
Magic Johnson…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on suburban kitchen beneath title card, Mom cooking in the foreground and Zack seated at the kitchen table ]
Zack: Welcome to “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”! Starring me, Zack, and my sidekick, Mom!
Mom: Hey, Sweetie!
Zack: Hi, Mom! Okay — so, my Mom dates SO many awesome guys! Then, one day I thought, “Hey! Maybe on Sunday when they wake up, I should interview them before they hit the road!” I asked for permission, and she said yes.
Mom: That’s because, no matter who coems out of Mommy’s bedroom, you’re still my Number One Guy! [ she kisses Zack on the head ]
Zack: Awww… awesome! So, Mom, why don’t you tell us about today’s guest?
Mom: Sure. Uh, his name is Mike something… and, uh, he works as a CD organizer at Borders.
Zack: Okay. Very cool! Please welcome Mike![ a groggy Mike enters the kitchen, pats Zack on the head and sits ]
Mike: Heeey, little buddy. How you doing?
Zack: Welcome to “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”!
Mike: Yeah… great to be here.
Zack: Okay, first question! I gotta ask — it’s on everybody’s mind: “Are you my new dad?”
Mike: [ stunned ] Whoa! I, uh — you know, uh —
Zack: I know! You can’t comment on that — I HAD to ask! Okay. SO… we have something in common.
Zack: We’re both huge fans of MOM!!
Mike: No. Yeah, yeah — she’s a cool lady.
Zack: Give me an example!
Mike: Uhhhh — alright, well, uh — on the car ride home, uh — [ he chuckles ] She’s a cool lady.
Zack: Awesome! Okay. Now, Mike, I’m not sure if you’re aware that this is a very special day for us on the show.
Mike: Oh, yeah? Why’s that, Sport?
Zack: Because this is “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”‘s 100th episode!
Mike: [ choking on his coffee ] What..?
Mom: Woooowwww! It just creeps up on ya’, that 100, huh? Congrats, Zackie!
Zack: [ enthusiastically ] Couldn’t have done it wihout YOU, Mom!
Mike: Whoa, wai — 100? I’m the 100th guest?
Zack: No, no, no — this is the 100th episode!
Zack: There’s been about 130 guests! Right, Mom?
Mom: Oh, honey, I don’t know. Sometimes I think you remember these guys better than I do.
Zack: [ proudly ] I’m sure I do. It’s been a great 100 episodes, so let’s take a look back at some of our FAVORITE memories from “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”!
Mom: [ shaking her head ] So many memories!
Mike: Wait a minute… w-was that Joaquin Phoenix?
Zack: Yeah, that was a weird interview. But it turned out he was faking it.
Mom: [ chuckling ] Yeah! He wasn’t the only one.
Zack: Yeah! Well, we’ve had a lot of fun, but we’ve also dealt with some serious issues. That’s why I’d like to take this time to give a special shout-out to all of my Mom’s boyfriends who are currently serving overseas.[ a large list of American and Arabic names scrolls upward ]
Mike: Whoa-oa, oh my God!
Mom: Zack, sweetie, I’ve also got a surprise for you, honey. In the four months since —
Mike: Wait! That’s all been FOUR MONTHS?!
Mom: A few big stars have dropped by, and some of them took time out of their busy schedules to send in messages to you.[ cut to Gene Simmons ]
Gene Simmons: Gene Simmons here. Congrats to everyone at “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”. Keep it real. [ he removes his sunglasses ] And keep it moist. [ he smiles ] [ cut to Verne Troyer ]
Verne Troyer: This is Mr. Verne Troyer saying, “The New Boyfriend Talk Show” is shagadelic. [ he sticks his pinkie finger in his mouth ] [ cut to Magic Johnson ]
Magic Johnson: Hey! Magic Johnson here! I had a magic time on “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”! Zack and that lady are a dream team! Go Lakers![ return to the kitchen ]
Zack: Yeah, Magic’s a real friend of the show!
Mike: [ worried ] Oh, no… oh, nooooo… ohhhhhhh, no… Oh, boy.
Zack: [ excited ] So, mom! Who’s our next guest today?
Mike: Wait, there’s someone else today?!
Mom: Yeah. We also got two bands coming! Oh, and also, I burned the eggs, so… it’s cookies for breakfast![ Mom throws a bag of Chips Ahoy onto the breakfast table ]
Zack: [ arms in the air ] YAAAAYYYYY!!![ title card ] [ fade ]