SNL Transcripts: Jane Lynch: 10/09/10: The New Boyfriend Talk Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

The New Boyfriend Talk Show

Zack…..Andy Samberg
Mom…..Jane Lynch
Mike…..Jason Sudeikis
Gene Simmons…..Fred Armisen
Verne Troyer…..Bobby Moynihan
Magic Johnson…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on suburban kitchen beneath title card, Mom cooking in the foreground and Zack seated at the kitchen table ]

Zack: Welcome to “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”! Starring me, Zack, and my sidekick, Mom!

Mom: Hey, Sweetie!

Zack: Hi, Mom! Okay — so, my Mom dates SO many awesome guys! Then, one day I thought, “Hey! Maybe on Sunday when they wake up, I should interview them before they hit the road!” I asked for permission, and she said yes.

Mom: That’s because, no matter who coems out of Mommy’s bedroom, you’re still my Number One Guy! [ she kisses Zack on the head ]

Zack: Awww… awesome! So, Mom, why don’t you tell us about today’s guest?

Mom: Sure. Uh, his name is Mike something… and, uh, he works as a CD organizer at Borders.

Zack: Okay. Very cool! Please welcome Mike!

[ a groggy Mike enters the kitchen, pats Zack on the head and sits ]

Mike: Heeey, little buddy. How you doing?

Zack: Welcome to “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”!

Mike: Yeah… great to be here.

Zack: Okay, first question! I gotta ask — it’s on everybody’s mind: “Are you my new dad?”

Mike: [ stunned ] Whoa! I, uh — you know, uh —

Zack: I know! You can’t comment on that — I HAD to ask! Okay. SO… we have something in common.

Mike: Yeah?

Zack: We’re both huge fans of MOM!!

Mom: Awwwwww!

Mike: No. Yeah, yeah — she’s a cool lady.

Zack: Give me an example!

Mike: Uhhhh — alright, well, uh — on the car ride home, uh — [ he chuckles ] She’s a cool lady.

Zack: Awesome! Okay. Now, Mike, I’m not sure if you’re aware that this is a very special day for us on the show.

Mike: Oh, yeah? Why’s that, Sport?

Zack: Because this is “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”‘s 100th episode!

Mike: [ choking on his coffee ] What..?

Mom: Woooowwww! It just creeps up on ya’, that 100, huh? Congrats, Zackie!

Zack: [ enthusiastically ] Couldn’t have done it wihout YOU, Mom!

Mike: Whoa, wai — 100? I’m the 100th guest?

Zack: No, no, no — this is the 100th episode!

Mike: Oh.

Zack: There’s been about 130 guests! Right, Mom?

Mom: Oh, honey, I don’t know. Sometimes I think you remember these guys better than I do.

Zack: [ proudly ] I’m sure I do. It’s been a great 100 episodes, so let’s take a look back at some of our FAVORITE memories from “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”!

[ Chairman of the Board’s “Gimme Just a Little More Time” plays over screencaps of past guests: a tattooed freak, an elderly man, a Japanese threesome, an animal trainer, and Joaquin Phoenix ]

Mom: [ shaking her head ] So many memories!

Mike: Wait a minute… w-was that Joaquin Phoenix?

Zack: Yeah, that was a weird interview. But it turned out he was faking it.

Mom: [ chuckling ] Yeah! He wasn’t the only one.

Zack: Yeah! Well, we’ve had a lot of fun, but we’ve also dealt with some serious issues. That’s why I’d like to take this time to give a special shout-out to all of my Mom’s boyfriends who are currently serving overseas.

[ a large list of American and Arabic names scrolls upward ]

Mike: Whoa-oa, oh my God!

Mom: Zack, sweetie, I’ve also got a surprise for you, honey. In the four months since —

Mike: Wait! That’s all been FOUR MONTHS?!

Mom: A few big stars have dropped by, and some of them took time out of their busy schedules to send in messages to you.

[ cut to Gene Simmons ]

Gene Simmons: Gene Simmons here. Congrats to everyone at “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”. Keep it real. [ he removes his sunglasses ] And keep it moist. [ he smiles ] [ cut to Verne Troyer ]

Verne Troyer: This is Mr. Verne Troyer saying, “The New Boyfriend Talk Show” is shagadelic. [ he sticks his pinkie finger in his mouth ] [ cut to Magic Johnson ]

Magic Johnson: Hey! Magic Johnson here! I had a magic time on “The New Boyfriend Talk Show”! Zack and that lady are a dream team! Go Lakers!

[ return to the kitchen ]

Zack: Yeah, Magic’s a real friend of the show!

Mike: [ worried ] Oh, no… oh, nooooo… ohhhhhhh, no… Oh, boy.

Zack: [ excited ] So, mom! Who’s our next guest today?

Mike: Wait, there’s someone else today?!

Mom: Yeah. We also got two bands coming! Oh, and also, I burned the eggs, so… it’s cookies for breakfast!

[ Mom throws a bag of Chips Ahoy onto the breakfast table ]

Zack: [ arms in the air ] YAAAAYYYYY!!!

[ title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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