SNL Transcripts: Jane Lynch: 10/09/10: Returns and Exchanges


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 3

10c: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

Returns and Exchanges

Returns Manager…..Bobby Moynihan
Customer #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Customer #2…..Jane Lynch
Denzel Washington…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on exterior, shopping mall ]

[ dissolve to interior, Returns & Exchanges ]

Returns Manager: There you go, Ma’am, uh, I hope you enjoy it.

Customer #1: Thank you so much!

Returns Manager: No problem. Thank you.

[ she turns and exits ]

Returns Manager: Next!

Customer #2: Hi. I just want to return this — [ she places a bag on the counter ]

Returns Manager: Uh, Ma’am? Uhhhh — I should first warn you that Denzel Washington is working here.

Customer #2: [ impressed ] Denzel Washington! Here?

Returns Manager: Yes.

Customer #2: Seriously?! That is so awesome! What’s he doing here?

Returns Manager: Uhhh — he’s preparing for a role. I guess, as a process.

Customer #2: So he’s working here for a movie role. That’s amazing!

Returns Manager: Uh, yeah — in his new movie, I guess he’s supposed to play an ordinary retail employee who gets this returned suitcase that has a secret government microchip accidentally left in it, which puts him in a web of international intrigue.

Customer #2: Wow, you know a LOT about this!

Returns Manager: Uh, yeah — he told me about it about a dozen times.

Customer #2: Well, what’s it called? [ she makes quotes signs with her fingers and laughs ] “Point of No Returns”?

Returns Manager: [ laughing loudly ] Yes! That’s what it’s called!

Customer #2: Really?

[ suddenly, Denzel Washington returns from the back room with a box in his hand, and promptly busts out laughing ]

Denzel Washington: Okay! Alright! So I FOUND it, huh? Yeah! I TOLD you it was there. Right? I specifically stated!

Returns Manager: Uh — yes. Yes, you did. Thank you, Denzel.

Denzel Washington: [ laughing with a huge smile on his face ] I knew it, I knew it! [ suddenly, he sees the customer standing before him ] Oh. Now… what can I help you with, Ma’am? Hmm?

Returns Manager: Uhhh — you know what, Denzel? I think I’ve got this one.

Denzel Washington: No! No, no, no, no! Gotta learn, gotta learn, right? So, come on, darling — let’s see whatchoo got?

Customer #2: Okay, I wanted to, uh — I want to return this bag.

Denzel Washington: Oh, okay. Alright. Let’s take a look. Okay, uh — [ he stares at the bag ] Well, look at this here: This is nice! This is very nice!

Customer #2: Yeah. Thank you.

Denzel Washington: You bought this?

Customer #2: I did.

Denzel Washington: Huh?! This handbag right here, that’s what you — t-t-this is yours?

Customer #2: Yes.

Denzel Washington: [ he places the bag on the counter ] Okay. Alright. So, uh — let’s see here. So, uh, you bought this handbag for #340, and now you want your money back! Is that what you’re saying? That’s what you’re telling me!

Customer #2: I, uh — yes. Yes.

Denzel Washington: Okay. $340. That’s a lot of money to be asking for back. I mean, I’ll GIVE it to you. Huh?

Customer #2: Okay! [ she smiles ]

Denzel Washington: [ laughing ] I just want to ask you one question: [ dramatically ] What’s wrong with it? Hmm?

Customer #2: What? W-with the handbag?

Denzel Washington: You did — that’s right!

Customer #2: Uh — it’s the wrong color.

Denzel Washington: The wrong color? [ he laughs and claps his hands ] You said it’s the WRONG color!

Customer #2: Yes.

Denzel Washington: You knew what COLOR it was when you brought it home! Did it change color or something?

Customer #2: No.

[ Returns Manager re-enters the scene ]

Denzel Washington: No, it didn’t! So let me ask you this: What color is this handbag?!

Returns Manager: Y-you know what? I-I-I can just help this —

Denzel Washington: Oh, no you WON’T! [ Returns Manager retreats to the back room ] I asked her a simple question: What color is this handbag?!

Customer #2: [ whispering ] It’s black. [ louder ] It’s black.

Denzel Washington: Ohhh, it’s BLACK, is it? That’s what you’re TELLING me, right, it’s black? And you don’t like the color?!

Customer #2: No, I —

Denzel Washington: Then, excuuuse me, speak up! You’re at Macy’s! Their rules and regulations! If you got a complaint, I want to hear it! [ he laughs loudly ]

Customer #2: It doesn’t match my shoes.

Denzel Washington: It doesn’t match your shoes, huh? So you don’t have any BLACK shoes in your possession at the — [ he shakes his head crazily ] Not any?! That’s what you’re telling me?

Customer #2: No, uh —

Denzel Washington: Huh?!

Customer #2: I have black shoes, just not the kind that —

Denzel Washington: Not the — not the kind what?! What, not the right kind?!

Customer #2: Ohhhh… I didn’t say that.

Denzel Washington: But you said “Wrong color”, didn’t you? So I’m lying?! So you calling me a liar, right?

Customer #2: Oh, no, no… I didn’t call anyone a liar…

Denzel Washington: It sounded like it to ME!! Huh?! Let me TELL you something: Don’t you EVER, in your LIFE, call me a LIAR!!

Customer #2: But I didn’t! I just wanted to —

Denzel Washington: Ohhhhh, YES you DID!!

Customer #2: I want to return the BAG, okay?!

[ Returns Manager re-enters the scene, horrified ]

Denzel Washington: [ smoothly ] Well, then you gotta answer the questions, darling! You gotta —

Customer #2: [ furious ] I AM answering the questions! I TOOK it home, I DON’T like it — it JUST HAPPENS!! And you’re NOT letting me TALK, you jackwad!

[ Returns Manager covers his mouth and gasps ]

[ Denzel smiles wildly, then begins to clap his hands and laugh ]

Returns Manager: Oh, thank God!

Denzel Washington: [ to Customer ] Heeey, I like you! You’re feisty, aren’t you? I like that! I’m gonna go return this bag, stop messing with you! [ he cracks up as he passes BOM ] My man!

Customer #2: Well, that wasn’t too hard, right?

Returns Manager: Of course not! Okay, I’m so glad we got that settled!

[ Denzel quietly peeks out from the back room ]

Returns Manager: Alright, who’s next? Anyone?

[ cut to exterior, mall ]

Denzel Washington V/O: Hey, hey — let ME handle it!!

Returns Manager V/O: No, no! It’s okay, I got it! No! Denzel, don’t —

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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