Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 3
Returns and Exchanges
Returns Manager…..Bobby Moynihan
Customer #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Customer #2…..Jane Lynch
Denzel Washington…..Jay Pharoah
[ open on exterior, shopping mall ]
[ dissolve to interior, Returns & Exchanges ]
Returns Manager: There you go, Ma’am, uh, I hope you enjoy it.
Customer #1: Thank you so much!
Returns Manager: No problem. Thank you.
[ she turns and exits ]
Returns Manager: Next!
Customer #2: Hi. I just want to return this — [ she places a bag on the counter ]
Returns Manager: Uh, Ma’am? Uhhhh — I should first warn you that Denzel Washington is working here.
Customer #2: [ impressed ] Denzel Washington! Here?
Returns Manager: Yes.
Customer #2: Seriously?! That is so awesome! What’s he doing here?
Returns Manager: Uhhh — he’s preparing for a role. I guess, as a process.
Customer #2: So he’s working here for a movie role. That’s amazing!
Returns Manager: Uh, yeah — in his new movie, I guess he’s supposed to play an ordinary retail employee who gets this returned suitcase that has a secret government microchip accidentally left in it, which puts him in a web of international intrigue.
Customer #2: Wow, you know a LOT about this!
Returns Manager: Uh, yeah — he told me about it about a dozen times.
Customer #2: Well, what’s it called? [ she makes quotes signs with her fingers and laughs ] “Point of No Returns”?
Returns Manager: [ laughing loudly ] Yes! That’s what it’s called!
Customer #2: Really?
[ suddenly, Denzel Washington returns from the back room with a box in his hand, and promptly busts out laughing ]
Denzel Washington: Okay! Alright! So I FOUND it, huh? Yeah! I TOLD you it was there. Right? I specifically stated!
Returns Manager: Uh — yes. Yes, you did. Thank you, Denzel.
Denzel Washington: [ laughing with a huge smile on his face ] I knew it, I knew it! [ suddenly, he sees the customer standing before him ] Oh. Now… what can I help you with, Ma’am? Hmm?
Returns Manager: Uhhh — you know what, Denzel? I think I’ve got this one.
Denzel Washington: No! No, no, no, no! Gotta learn, gotta learn, right? So, come on, darling — let’s see whatchoo got?
Customer #2: Okay, I wanted to, uh — I want to return this bag.
Denzel Washington: Oh, okay. Alright. Let’s take a look. Okay, uh — [ he stares at the bag ] Well, look at this here: This is nice! This is very nice!
Customer #2: Yeah. Thank you.
Denzel Washington: You bought this?
Customer #2: I did.
Denzel Washington: Huh?! This handbag right here, that’s what you — t-t-this is yours?
Customer #2: Yes.
Denzel Washington: [ he places the bag on the counter ] Okay. Alright. So, uh — let’s see here. So, uh, you bought this handbag for #340, and now you want your money back! Is that what you’re saying? That’s what you’re telling me!
Customer #2: I, uh — yes. Yes.
Denzel Washington: Okay. $340. That’s a lot of money to be asking for back. I mean, I’ll GIVE it to you. Huh?
Customer #2: Okay! [ she smiles ]
Denzel Washington: [ laughing ] I just want to ask you one question: [ dramatically ] What’s wrong with it? Hmm?
Customer #2: What? W-with the handbag?
Denzel Washington: You did — that’s right!
Customer #2: Uh — it’s the wrong color.
Denzel Washington: The wrong color? [ he laughs and claps his hands ] You said it’s the WRONG color!
Customer #2: Yes.
Denzel Washington: You knew what COLOR it was when you brought it home! Did it change color or something?
Customer #2: No.
[ Returns Manager re-enters the scene ]
Denzel Washington: No, it didn’t! So let me ask you this: What color is this handbag?!
Returns Manager: Y-you know what? I-I-I can just help this —
Denzel Washington: Oh, no you WON’T! [ Returns Manager retreats to the back room ] I asked her a simple question: What color is this handbag?!
Customer #2: [ whispering ] It’s black. [ louder ] It’s black.
Denzel Washington: Ohhh, it’s BLACK, is it? That’s what you’re TELLING me, right, it’s black? And you don’t like the color?!
Customer #2: No, I —
Denzel Washington: Then, excuuuse me, speak up! You’re at Macy’s! Their rules and regulations! If you got a complaint, I want to hear it! [ he laughs loudly ]
Customer #2: It doesn’t match my shoes.
Denzel Washington: It doesn’t match your shoes, huh? So you don’t have any BLACK shoes in your possession at the — [ he shakes his head crazily ] Not any?! That’s what you’re telling me?
Customer #2: No, uh —
Denzel Washington: Huh?!
Customer #2: I have black shoes, just not the kind that —
Denzel Washington: Not the — not the kind what?! What, not the right kind?!
Customer #2: Ohhhh… I didn’t say that.
Denzel Washington: But you said “Wrong color”, didn’t you? So I’m lying?! So you calling me a liar, right?
Customer #2: Oh, no, no… I didn’t call anyone a liar…
Denzel Washington: It sounded like it to ME!! Huh?! Let me TELL you something: Don’t you EVER, in your LIFE, call me a LIAR!!
Customer #2: But I didn’t! I just wanted to —
Denzel Washington: Ohhhhh, YES you DID!!
Customer #2: I want to return the BAG, okay?!
[ Returns Manager re-enters the scene, horrified ]
Denzel Washington: [ smoothly ] Well, then you gotta answer the questions, darling! You gotta —
Customer #2: [ furious ] I AM answering the questions! I TOOK it home, I DON’T like it — it JUST HAPPENS!! And you’re NOT letting me TALK, you jackwad!
[ Returns Manager covers his mouth and gasps ]
[ Denzel smiles wildly, then begins to clap his hands and laugh ]
Returns Manager: Oh, thank God!
Denzel Washington: [ to Customer ] Heeey, I like you! You’re feisty, aren’t you? I like that! I’m gonna go return this bag, stop messing with you! [ he cracks up as he passes BOM ] My man!
Customer #2: Well, that wasn’t too hard, right?
Returns Manager: Of course not! Okay, I’m so glad we got that settled!
[ Denzel quietly peeks out from the back room ]
Returns Manager: Alright, who’s next? Anyone?
[ cut to exterior, mall ]
Denzel Washington V/O: Hey, hey — let ME handle it!!
Returns Manager V/O: No, no! It’s okay, I got it! No! Denzel, don’t —
[ fade ]