Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 3
An SNL Digital Short
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to interior, Therapist’s office ]
Therapist: …and what seems to be the problem?
William: I just feel stressed out all the time. I don’t know what to do
Therapist: Well, let’s try something. Shut your eyes.
William: Okay. [ he shuts his eyes ]
Therapist: Now take a dee-ee-eep breath —[ William breathes deeply ]
Therapist: And imagine you’re in the middle of a big, peaceful meadow, all alone…[ dissolves to a peaceful meadow setting, William dressed in white ]
Therapist V/O: A warm breeze floats by, carrying the smell of fresh flowers. The sun caresses your face, as you let go of all your fears and worries. And, also, I’m there.[ a relaxed William is suddenly disturbed to find his therapist lying next to him, jolting him from his relaxation therapy ]
William: Wait — why are you there?
Therapist: Just relax, William, okay? [ she smiles ] It’s all part of the process. Stay with me, okay?
Therapist: So, you’re in the field…[ dissolve back to the peaceful meadow setting ]
Therapist V/O: And you hear the sounds of some birds playing in the sunshine. You breathe in. And when you exhale, you feel all your troubles just melting away. And, also, I’m there, dressed as an ice cream man, sliding a popsicle down your throat…[ the disturbing image again jolts William from his relaxation therapy ]
William: What is that?
Therapist: It’s okay — alright — let’s take it a little slow, okay? And, you’re back in the field —
Therapist V/O: Completely calm… you let go of all the tension in your neck. You lie back, and when you look up, there’s a golf ball on your privates, and I’m there teeing off the 5 wood.[ the disturbing image once again jolts William from his relaxation therapy ]
William: Okay! Yeah, that’s not cool.
Therapist: Trust, William, trust. Okay? Stay with me. And, we’re in the field —[ dissolve back to the peaceful meadow setting ]
Therapist V/O: Cool breezes… a state of relaxation… nothing around you for miles. It smells warm, like fresh bread coming out of an oven. Yeah, and on top of that bread we’ve got smoked ham, lettuce, tomato, a little bit of spicy mustard on the top —[ within the peaceful setting, William is bombarded with these toppings across his chest, jolting him once more from his relaxation therapy ] [ the Therapist is now on the phone in her office ]
Therapist: And then, I guess a diet Dr. Pepper. Okay, see you in a bit. [ she hangs up the phone ] [ William just stares at her incredulously ]
Therapist: And… we’re in the field —[ dissolve back to the peaceful meadow setting ]
Therapist V/O: Breeze… flowers… relaxed… deep breath… friendly rabbit… a little more popsicle —[ William hasn’t even bothered to play into this part of the therapy ]
William: Okay, what is going on? Are you even a therapist?
Therapist: Alright, William… I’m gonna level with you. This is a new experimental method that I am developing.
Therapist: And, if it doesn’t help you, if it’s a complete failure, then I’ll waive my fee. Okay?
Therapist: GOOD!! Okay. This time we’ll take a slightly difference approach. [ William sighs ] Now, you’re in a perfect white space —
Therapist V/O: And all of your stress… just melts away.
William V/O: [ breathes deeply ] Okay. This is nice.
Therapist V/O: An innocent little girl approaches you… and offers you a flower. You warmly accept it. And then she KICKS you in the crotch! And then I walk over and I kick you in the crotch! [ she chuckles ] That’s it! You can open your eyes now.[ William opens his eyes, mildly shocked ]
William: Huh. You know, I think that actually worked. I, strangely, feel better.[ the Therapist leans in from William’s side ]
Therapist: And that concludes Phase One.
William: Noooo![ reveal full shot — the Therapist is lying naked beside William ]
Therapist: Now, let’s begin Phase Two.[ cut to black ]