Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 4
My Brother Knows Everythings
[ open on snowy TV image ] [ dissolve to camcorder view of Morgan position the camera in front of her ]
Morgan: Hey! I’m Morgan, I’m 11, and you’re watching another episode of… “My Brother Knows Everything”![ cut to show logo and images ]
“My brother knows everything!Oh yeah!He pretty much knows everything!He does neat stuff, and then I tell you that stuff!I’m telling you all the stuff that my brother tells me!My brother knows everything!”
Morgan: Okay! Welcome to the show! Today, as always, I’ll be celebrating my older brother Erik! He’s basically the coolest fifteen-year old, like, in the world. Let’s meet him in a segment called “Get Away From Me!” Check it out![ cut to clip: Erik playing X-Box in his room ]
Morgan: Hey, Erik! Can I watch you play X-Box?
Erik: Get away from me![ he thrusts his arm forward and pushes the camcorder view away from him; the video feed turns to snow ] [ return to Morgan hosting the show ]
Morgan: Okay, my co-host tonight is my best friend and next-door neighbor — Meredith![ reveal Meredith seated at Megan’s right ]
Meredith: Hey, Morgan! Great to be here! And can I just say your brother is a total hunk?
Morgan: Ewww! Gross! But… yeah! Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Erik-splanations”! Here’s what Erik explained to me this week!
Meredith: [ grabbing cue cards ] Okay, Question 1: “What is ‘Freaking’?”
Morgan: That just means “grinding”!
Meredith: Question 2: “What is ‘grinding’?”
Morgan: It’s when you freak!
Meredith: Question 3: “How many times do people have to freak before they have a baby?”
Morgan: Seven! Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Let’s Bro to the Movies”!
Meredith: This week, we’re reviewing “Jackass 3D”.
Morgan: Yeah! But we’re not allowed to see “Jackass 3D”, so, as, always — right? — we eavesdropped on my brother Erik talking about it with his friends!
Meredith: Okay, here’s our review: There’s a giant hand…
Morgan: And, apparently, when you least expect it, there’s a butt!
Meredith: [ she laughs moronically for a period ] Uh, and that’s our review of “Jackass 3D”.
Morgan: We give this movie… three-and-a-half Eriks![ graphic appears on-screen ]
Morgan: Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Stop Being Weird”. Check it out![ cut to clip: Erik reading on his bed, as Morgan pops into the foreground ]
Morgan: Hey, Erik! Watch this![ Morgan begins to make bouncing fish faces ]
Erik: [ as he pushes Morgan out of frame ] STOP BEING WEIRD!![ the video feed turns to snow ] [ return to Morgan hosting the show ]
Morgan: Thanks. Okay, and now it’s time for another segment, called… “Erik’an Idols”! This is where we count down the Top 5 cutest guys from the posters on Erik’s wall! [ she picks up each poster for the reveal ] Number Five: Al Pacino from “Scarface”.
Meredith: Sooooo cute!
Morgan: Yeah! Number Four: Pau Gasol from basketball!
Meredith: He looks like a hot ostrich…
Morgan: Number Three: Hellraiser!
Meredith: Take those nails out, and you got a hunk.
Morgan: Number Two: Mel Brooks as Yogurt in “Spaceballs”.
Meredith: Not my personal style, but I get it.
Morgan: And the Number One cutest guy is:
Together: NICHOLAS CAGE IN “GHOST RIDER”!!
Morgan: That was fun!
Meredith: That was fun!
Morgan: Yeah![ sound effect: approaching footsteps ]
Morgan: Uh-oh! The sound of Erik coming up the stairs means it’s time for our LAST segment, called… “What Are You Doing in My Room?”[ Erik appears ]
Erik: What are you doing in my room?!!
Morgan: I’m doing my show! It’s about YOU! You remember Meredith!
Meredith: [ embarrassed ] Hi… What’s “grinding”?
Erik: It’s when you FREAK!! Quit using my camera!![ Erik rushes toward the camcorder and turns the picture to snow ] [ the screen exits onto earlier filmed footage: Erik practicing with nunchuks ]
Erik: Erik’s Nunchuk Demo Reel: Take One! [ he whips the nunchuks around for a minute, then poses ] Ye-eah![ screen turns back to snow and returns to fresh footage of Morgan and Meredith smiling ]
Morgan: [ whispering ] Well… that’s our show!
Meredith: [ whispering ] Tune in next week when we finally get to the bottom of… Erik’s underwear drawer!
Morgan: [ whispering ] Yeah![ suddenly, Erik rushes back into the scene ]
Erik: I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!![ the girl run off screaming ] [ cut to show logo ]
Jingle: “My Brother Knows Everything!”[ fade ]