Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 4
“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium
Ed Vincent…..Paul Brittain
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following is a paid advertisement for Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium” ] [ cut to close-up of Ed Vincent ]
Ed Vincent: Hello! My name is Ed Vincent, I’m a sex education educator. So you can call me “Sex” Ed — that’s me. “Sex” Ed — that’s me![ SUPER: “The following is required by NYSBSH” ]
Ed Vincent: Now, the New York Board of Sexual Health requires me to read the following disclaimer: “Ed Vincent is an amateur sex education enthusiast, whose presentations are for novelty purposes only.” They’re entitled to their opinion —[ cut to Symposium graphics ]
Ed Vincent V/O: But at Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium — “A frank, no nonsense talk about sex” — you’ll get MY opinion!
Ed Vincent V/O: Over the course of three days, you’ll be treated to lectures covering a WIDE variety of topics — including Gender Roles, Anatomical Limits, Cyber Sex, and Taboos.[ zoom in on the lecture in progress ]
Ed Vincent: What is abnormal? Right? What is… abnormal sexual behavior? Who decides, you know? [ a woman in the audience jots that information in her notepad ] Uh, who gets to determine, you know, what’s okay, you know, and then what’s weird?[ cut to another part of the lecture ]
Ed Vincent: Take this fellow right here! What if, uh, you know, he has somebody, you know, pee into a cardboard birthday hat — right? Uh, and then he has them, you know, pour that right down his back… collect that in a second birthday hat — this fellow CLIMAXES because of that. [ the man nods ] Is that weird? Is that… ABNORMAL? Who’s to say?[ cut to “Day 2” graphic ]
Ed Vincent V/O: Day 2 focuses on Health and Safety, with lectures on: Measuring Consent, Avoiding STD’s: Hetereosexual, and Avoiding STD’S: Homosexual.[ zoom in on the lecture in progress ]
Ed Vincent: We’ve got a couple of fellows — right? — and they’re looking for a safer sex option. Okay, everybody see that? [ he holds two fingers together at a perpendicular angle ] That’s the front of a penis… into the side of a penis. This fellow right here, you’re pushing the front of your penis into a nice… side of a penis! VERY pleasurable. No risks of contracting a gosh-darn thing! Uhhh — this one here, I call the Infinite Swirl. [ he twirls two fingers around one another ] Okay? See that, when you get a side of penis, a side of penis! Top of penis, bottom of penis! Side of penis, side of penis! Top of penis, bottom of penis — and on and on and on and on, into INFINITY![ cut to “Day 3” graphic ]
Ed Vincent V/O: Day 3 is devoted to Fantasy Role Play Scenarios, including: Sexy Hospital, Sexy Insurance Scam, AND Sexy Robbery.
Girl: — I said on the floor, lady!
Ed Vincent: [ squatting ] Oh, great! Well, do whatever you want with me — just don’t shoot my brains out.[ the Girl pauses ]
Ed Vincent: [ to the group ] You see? Now, what’s she gonna do? She starts thinking of something. [ to the girl ] Now what are you gonna do?
Girl: [ thinking ] We could… polish that apple between our butt cheeks…?
Ed Vincent: Without letting it hit the floor?
Girl: Yeah, I don’t know — is that kinky, or is that weird?
Ed Vincent: You tell me — is it?
Girl: Who’s to say.
Ed Vincent: EXACTLY!
Everyone: WHO’S… TO SAY??[ cut to Ed Vincent passing out star balloons to his group ]
Ed Vincent V/O: So don’t miss “Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium, a three-day lecture series coming to the La Quinta Inn in Rochester, New York —
Ed Vincent: Right at the intersection of Sheridan and Bryan! [ smiling ] This is Sheridan… and that’s Bryan![ fade ]