SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 10/23/10: “Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium

Ed Vincent…..Paul Brittain
Girl…..Emma Stone

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following is a paid advertisement for Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium” ] [ cut to close-up of Ed Vincent ]

Ed Vincent: Hello! My name is Ed Vincent, I’m a sex education educator. So you can call me “Sex” Ed — that’s me. “Sex” Ed — that’s me!

[ SUPER: “The following is required by NYSBSH” ]

Ed Vincent: Now, the New York Board of Sexual Health requires me to read the following disclaimer: “Ed Vincent is an amateur sex education enthusiast, whose presentations are for novelty purposes only.” They’re entitled to their opinion —

[ cut to Symposium graphics ]

Ed Vincent V/O: But at Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium — “A frank, no nonsense talk about sex” — you’ll get MY opinion!

[ show footage of the 3 Day Seminar ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Over the course of three days, you’ll be treated to lectures covering a WIDE variety of topics — including Gender Roles, Anatomical Limits, Cyber Sex, and Taboos.

[ zoom in on the lecture in progress ]

Ed Vincent: What is abnormal? Right? What is… abnormal sexual behavior? Who decides, you know? [ a woman in the audience jots that information in her notepad ] Uh, who gets to determine, you know, what’s okay, you know, and then what’s weird?

[ cut to another part of the lecture ]

Ed Vincent: Take this fellow right here! What if, uh, you know, he has somebody, you know, pee into a cardboard birthday hat — right? Uh, and then he has them, you know, pour that right down his back… collect that in a second birthday hat — this fellow CLIMAXES because of that. [ the man nods ] Is that weird? Is that… ABNORMAL? Who’s to say?

[ cut to “Day 2” graphic ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Day 2 focuses on Health and Safety, with lectures on: Measuring Consent, Avoiding STD’s: Hetereosexual, and Avoiding STD’S: Homosexual.

[ zoom in on the lecture in progress ]

Ed Vincent: We’ve got a couple of fellows — right? — and they’re looking for a safer sex option. Okay, everybody see that? [ he holds two fingers together at a perpendicular angle ] That’s the front of a penis… into the side of a penis. This fellow right here, you’re pushing the front of your penis into a nice… side of a penis! VERY pleasurable. No risks of contracting a gosh-darn thing! Uhhh — this one here, I call the Infinite Swirl. [ he twirls two fingers around one another ] Okay? See that, when you get a side of penis, a side of penis! Top of penis, bottom of penis! Side of penis, side of penis! Top of penis, bottom of penis — and on and on and on and on, into INFINITY!

[ cut to “Day 3” graphic ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Day 3 is devoted to Fantasy Role Play Scenarios, including: Sexy Hospital, Sexy Insurance Scam, AND Sexy Robbery.

[ zoom in on the fantasy role play in progress, girl playing robber as Ed Vincent in housecoat portrays the victim ]

Girl: — I said on the floor, lady!

Ed Vincent: [ squatting ] Oh, great! Well, do whatever you want with me — just don’t shoot my brains out.

[ the Girl pauses ]

Ed Vincent: [ to the group ] You see? Now, what’s she gonna do? She starts thinking of something. [ to the girl ] Now what are you gonna do?

Girl: [ thinking ] We could… polish that apple between our butt cheeks…?

Ed Vincent: Without letting it hit the floor?

Girl: Yeah, I don’t know — is that kinky, or is that weird?

Ed Vincent: You tell meis it?

Girl: Who’s to say.

Ed Vincent: EXACTLY!

Everyone: WHO’S… TO SAY??

[ cut to Ed Vincent passing out star balloons to his group ]

Ed Vincent V/O: So don’t miss “Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium, a three-day lecture series coming to the La Quinta Inn in Rochester, New York —

[ cut to Ed Vincent holding his fingers together at a perpendicular angle ]

Ed Vincent: Right at the intersection of Sheridan and Bryan! [ smiling ] This is Sheridan… and that’s Bryan!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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