Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 4
10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon
WXPD Channel 9 News
Wanda Ramirez…..Nasim Pedrad
Peter DeSantos…..Bill Hader
Teenager…..Emma Stone
Panicked Mother…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on news graphics ]
Announcer: You’re watching WXPD Channel 9 News.
[ dissolve to Wanda Ramirez seated in the news studio ]
Wanda Ramirez: Good evening. I’m Wanda Ramirez, and we begin tonight’s progrm as we do always do — with a story designed to frighten parents.
[ graphic reads: “Dangerous Teenage Fad” ]
Wanda Ramirez: We told you about “sexting”, “huffing”, and “robotripping”, and now there’s yet another dangerous teenage fad. Our own Peter DeSantos has the story.
[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school ]
Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “souping” — teenagers are drinking expired soup cans to get high! Every teenager is doing it, and it WILL kill them!
[ stock footage of teenagers, soup cans, etc. ]
Peter DeSantos V/O: Parents are powerless to protect their teens because, shockingly, soup is legal. We interviewed this teen to get the scoop… on soup!
[ cut to Teenager being interviewed in front of school fence ]
Peter DeSantos: Are you… “souping”?
Teenager: Am I what?
Peter DeSantos: Teenagers are drinking expired soup… to get HIGH!
Teenager: But that wouldn’t get you high. There’s NO way teenagers are doing that.
[ show stock footage ]
Peter DeSantos V/O: But they are! They’re getting whacked out on old soup! And they’re gonna end up… m’mm m’mm, DEAD! Just ask this panicked mother, who we woke up in the middle of the night.
[ cut to panicked mother on her doorstep ]
Panicked Mother: My God! They’re “souping”?! PHIL!! Flush all the Progresso, they’re gonna SOUP it!!
Peter DeSantos: [ with a shit-eating grin ] For WXPD, I’m Peter DeSantos!
[ return to news desk ]
Wanda Ramirez: A VERY informative report about a VERY real thing. For more information about “souping”, go to our web site… and no others. Next up: a story that EVERYONE’S talking about. No, not the midterm elections. But another TERRIFYING teenage trend. Peter DeSantos has the story.
[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school ]
Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “trampolining”! A teen boy sits on the roof of a one-story house, receiving oral sex from a girl jumping up and down on a large backyard trampoline!
[ stock footage of teenagers, trampolines, etc. ]
Peter DeSantos V/O: Sources say that if a girl “trampolines” ten boys, she receives a bracelet… and that’s what silly bands are.
[ cut to Teenager being interviewed in front of school fence ]
Teenager: I’ve NEVER done this. What did you say this was called?
Peter DeSantos: They call it… “trampolining”!
Teenager: I don’t think that’s even physically possible.
Peter DeSantos: But it IS. In fact, WXPD were able to obtain this horrifying photograph.
[ reveal stick drawings of a girl and a boy and a trampoline and a roof ]
[ cut to panicked mother on her doorstep ]
Panicked Mother: My God!! That’s a photograph of my DAUGHTER, and she’s TRAMPOLINING!!
Peter DeSantos: [ with a shit-eating grin ] For WXPD, I’m Peter DeSantos!
[ return to news desk ]
Wanda Ramirez: Thank you, Peter. Before we move on, I’m getting word we have a BREAKING story. We go now to Breaking News correspondent Peter DeSantos!
[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school woth the teenager ]
Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “Skyping”. Two teens jumping out of airplane, attached by their genitals!
Teenager: Oh, man… that is WAY off! Can I please go back to class?
Peter DeSantos: To do “souping”?
Teenager: Wow… wow.
[ the Panicked Mother enters frame ]
Panicked Mother: Young lady! I KNOW what you’ve been doing on that trampoline!
Teenager: Oh. Good. Now I get to deal with this. [ sarcastically ] THANKS, News!
Peter DeSantos: You’re welcome! I’m Peter DeSantos… Jr.!
[ return to news desk ]
Wanda Ramirez: Next up: Are teens taking turns hiding Osama bin Laden… so they can give him oral sex in exchange for lip gloss? The answer… right now. YES! Yes, they are!
[ cut to news graphics ]
[ fade ]
