SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/30/10: Greetings from American America: Dog in Purse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 5

10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

Greetings from American America: Dog in Purse

Voice of Dog…..David Spade

[ SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE & BEYOND THE COMICS presents… ] [ intercut images within postcard entitled “Greetings from American America” ] [ a purse drops onto the screen, and a chihuahua pops his head out ]

Dog: That’s right, everybody. It’s me again — Dog in Purse.

[ title: “Dog in Purse” — with David Spade ] [ dissolve to nightclub scene — lower portion of starlet seen carrying her dog in her purse ]

Dog: Ahhhhh — buh buh buh baaaah. Here we are at a nightclub again. Hmm, shocker of the century. [ he turns his head ] Ah, look over there — Willow Smith with a bottle of petron. That’s great. Happy 9th Birthday!

I’ve got a moron owner — drinking a glass of loudmouthed soup, yukking it up. Meanwhile I’m stuck in her purse, trying to get comfortable on a dirty hairbrush, soem Yaz pills, and Charlie Sheen’s wallet. This lady who owns me, she doesn’t even know I’m a male dog. I’m clearly a dude, yet she’s got me wearing a feather boa and a tiara on my head like I’m Zsa Zsa Gabor. [ he looks up ] Hey, lady! You know how you can tell you’re a little off-track? Flip me over! Check out the… “undercarriage”. Alright? There’s a light switch, honey — it goes on and off. Like the one that should go off in your head and say, “Hey — this dog’s a dude and has been for the last three years.”

Ohhh, okay! Here we go! There’s Jessica Alba, wearing a minidress, no less. Nice! She’s so hot, she’d better spray her shins down with Pam — STAT! — because I’m about to do the Humpty-Hump! Maybe with this tiara I’m wearing, and feather boa, she’ll get drunk and think I’m Lenny Kravitz and go for it! [ to the crowd ] Alright, gang, let’s weap it up! We’re all heading back to Brody Jenner’s house. I heard he got a new Solo Flex.

[ credits ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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