Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
Lizette Barnes…..Kristen Wiig
Sandall Barnes…..Jon Hamm
[ open on sign: “CASTING TODAY” ]
[ dissolve to audition room ]
Secretary: Next, for the part of Nicole, we have Lizette Barnes.
[ the Secretary exits, as Lizette enters ]
Lizette Barnes: Hello!
Director: Ah, hello!
Lizette Barnes: Hello! [ she chuckles ]
Director: I think we’ve had you in here before?
Lizette Barnes: I’m with Classy Faces Talent Agency! [ she giggles ] You’ve heard of them?
Director: Nope. Can’t say that I have.
Lizette Barnes: Well, um, here’s my head picture! [ she hands him an 8×10 glossy ] It’s of me dressed as a sailor looking into a crystal ball, pretending to be surprised.
Director: [ studying the photo ] That’s exactly what it is! Yeah! [ he holds it up to her and laughs ] Great!
Lizette Barnes: Okay, listen! Uh, before we start, um — I have read the play. Uh, it’s very racy. And, so there are no surprises later, I just want to tell you what I am comfortable doing, and not doing, and you are just gonna have to deal with it.
Lizette Barnes: [ she laughs ] I… an willing to show my legs. My arms. My face. My stomach. My full back. [ thinking ] My toes. The top part of my head. My… naked breasts. Uh… my butt crack! My belly button. My… full vagina. Uh — let’s see… I will show my nipples. My… spread-apart butt. Um — my pushed-together boobs.
Director: Okay, Lizette? You’re not gonna have to —
Lizette Barnes: Okay! These are things… that I will do: I will sing. [ she laughs ] I will swear. I will show my bush. Uh — I will tap. I will jiggle. Um — I will cry. I will push my boobs together. Um — I will lift up my skirt, turn away from the audience, bend over and pass gas — WITH sound!
Director: Lizette! Lizette! I-I-I think you might have read a different script —
Lizette Barnes: THESE are the following things that are OUT of the question: I… refuse to wear a costume. Um. That’s it.
Director: Okay, well, that could be a problem.
Lizette Barnes: Well, then these are some things I… MIGHT… be talked into: I might punch myself in the face. Um — I might touch a ding-dong — Never say never! [ she laughs ] I might tinkle in a fake sink. Um — I might… eat a very small bowl of bird waste — IF it is relevent to the story, otherwise, you know — I mean, come on!
Director: Lizette, can I give you a little bit of feedback?
Lizette Barnes: Mmm-hmm.
Director: Uh — you’re not getting this part.
Lizette Barnes: [ screaming ] NOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOO-OOOO!!!!! GIVE IT TO MEEEEEE!!!
[ suddenly, a man rushes into the room ]
Sandell Barnes: I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m her husband! I just have to know how this is going!
Lizette Barnes: He just told me I… I didn’t get the part!
Sandell Barnes: Well, you are making a HUGE mistake, sir!
Lizette Barnes: Sandy, please…
Sandell Barnes: NO!! I want to do this! [ soft piano music plays ] This woman isn’t just my wife! She is an ACTRESS! She is a MASTERESS of her craft! Are you INSANE in the MEMBRANE?! INSANE… in the BRAIN?!!
Director: [ waving his arms ] You guys gotta go, alright?
Sandell Barnes: FIRST, let me ASK you, sir! Have you seen this woman’s Stanley Steemer commercial?
Lizette Barnes: Sandy, don’t…
Sandell Barnes: LET me RE-MIND you: Two women are having a conversation on a couch. A child runs in and asks Mommy to look at the family dog’s new trick! Well, UNFORTUNATELY! The new trick is him dragging his dirty rear along the carpet! And SHE has to get SO MAD — Do it, honey!
Lizette Barnes: [ screaming ] TO-BYYYYYYY!!!!
Director: [ impressed ] Wow… that’s you!
Sandell Barnes: Yes! It’s HER!! And I’m sorry if she has STANDARDS, unlike every other LOOSE actress that comes in here!!
Director: No, no, no, no, you’re right. I’m sorry.
Sandell Barnes: So… now that you know who she really is… does she have the part?
Director: [ without hesitation ] No!
Sandell Barnes: What if she were to put a jelly bean in a chair, sit down and, when she stands back up, the jelly bean is gone?
Director: Get out!
Lizette Barnes: What if it’s a plum?
Lizette Barnes: Good day, sir! I mean, JERK!!
Sandell Barnes: I hope you’re happy!
[ they exit the room ]
[ Secretary re-enters ]
Director: Who’s next?
Secretary: Uh — Sandall Barnes.
[ Sandall re-enters the room, now dressed in a cape ]
Sandell Barnes: Hello! I’m… Sandall Barnes. I am with the… Top Hat Warehouse Agency. Uh — I will show the backs of my legs. Uh — my pushed-together butt. Uh — the front of my weiner. Uh — I will wear diapers! Uh — I will not work with chldren, although I will DANCE with them! Uh — I may juggle!
[ as Sandall talks, the Director rises from his chair, opens the window, then jumps out onto the ground floor and casually walks away ]
Sandell Barnes: Uh — I will show my wife’s vagina. Uh — I may —
[ return to “CASTING TODAY” sign ]
[ fade ]