SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/30/10: Highway Cops

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 5

10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

Highway Cops

Connor….Jason Sudeikis
Randy….Jon Hamm
Chief….Kenan Thompson
MacDougal….Taram Killam
Pooley….Paul Brittain

Announcer: The following program is brought to you in living color on NBC.

[NBC peacock graphic from the 70’s]

Announcer: We now return to “Highway Cops”.

[“Highway Cops” logo] [Police Station outside, cut to the chief’s office, two mustached motorcycle cops talk to the chief]

Connor: …and I pull up next to her on my bike, and I told her to pull over.

Chief: Well, did she?

Connor: No, no. She just kept going.

Randy: So, wow, she didn’t pull over?

Connor: No.

Chief: Connor, you always tell the best stories. [phone rings, picks it up] Hello! Uh-huh! What do we got? Where?! That serious?! Ok, we’re on it! Connor! Randy! There’s a bank robbery in progress on Elm and 14Th street!

Connor: Let’s go!

Randy: Oh, dammit! My bike’s in the shop!

Connor: You can ride with me.

Chief: Hey, get out of here, you guys! You’re wasting precious time! I need you there five minutes ago! Go! [Randy and Connor leave, Chief sits and pulls out a photo of his wife] Crystal baby, I miss you so much. Why did you have to die when your heart stopped? Damn, damn, damn.

[Connor drives the bike down the road, Randy in the back]

Connor: Hey! Do you remember the address?

Randy: What?! Oh, yes. It was—[bump] Whoa! Almost fell off there!

Connor: Hey, why don’t you hold on to my waist?

[Randy holds Connor by the waist]

Connor: Is that better?

Randy: Oh yeah. Much better.

Connor: [points] Hey look, the leaves are changing.

Randy: Where? [both laugh] This is fun as hell!

Connor: What?! I didn’t hear you?!

Randy: I said I’m having a great time!

Connor: Yeah, me too buddy! You know, we got the best job in the world!

[back to the police station]

Chief: MacDougal, Pooley, thanks for coming through for me.

MacDougal: You got it chief.

Pooley: Thank you for thanking us, chief. [leave]

Chief: Ok. Just be careful out there.

[Randy and Connor walk in]

Chief: Where have you been?! The bank called! They said you never showed up!

Connor: Oh man! The bank!

Randy: That’s what it was! Remember I told you we were forgetting something.

Connor: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Chief: You two are making the gray spot of my fro’ get bigger. You gotta focus. By the way, Randy, your bike’s out of the shop. [phone rings] Hello! Uh-huh! Where?! We’re on our way! There was a drug bust on Park and Wood! There’s a stand-off! They need back-up!

Connor: You got it, Chief!

Randy: We’re on it!

[both leave, the Chief talks with his wife’s picture]

Chief: Crystal baby, I want to get back into the dating pool. I met someone. She’s not you. She ranks lower than you in most areas. But higher than you on two very crucial areas. The butt and she’s alive.

[Connor and Randy on the bike]

Connor: Hey, what’s that smell?

Randy: What smell?

Connor: The smell in the air.

Randy: Crisp, right?

Connor: Yeah, and leaves. Hey, look! [points]

Randy: What is it?

Connor: It’s an old barn. I love this. Hey, lets see what this bad boy can do! [accelerates the bike, engine revs] Whew! Whooo! Whoo!

Randy: Oh, you’re wild!

Connor: I feel like yelling out loud!

Randy: Then do it, man!

Connor: I couldn’t.

Randy: Do it!

Connor: Yaaaaahoooo!!! Whooooo!!!

[back at the police station]

Chief: [on the phone] Yeah, so dinner on Thursday? Great. Well, I don’t want to say that yet. Well, whether I feel it or not, Crystal is still in the picture. I just want to go a little more slow. You know, I got to call you back. [hangs up] Where were you?!

[Connor eats an apple, Randy puts a bucket of apples on the Chief’s desk]

Randy: Picked some apples of an orchard for you.

Connor: Chief, have you been outside?

Chief: You guys didn’t back up the drug bust team! What happened?!

Randy: Chief, I’m gonna be dead honest with you. I’m drawing a complete blank on what you’re talking about.

Chief: The diameter of the gray spot on my fro’ just doubled. [phone rings] Yes, hello! Uh-huh! Ok, thank you. [hangs up] Well, I guess this is your lucky day. Part of the gang was just spotted at a gas station 3 miles from here on Highway 10. You think you can redeem yourselves?

Connor: Hey, you got it, chief!

Chief: And Randy? You know your bike is fixed, right?

Randy: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Chief: Because they called and said it’s been fixed for a while now.

Randy: Thanks a lot, chief!

Connor: Come on! Let’s roll!

[Chief pulls out a photo of his wife and a photo of his girlfriend]

Chief: I’m sorry Crystal. But I got to do this for me. Crystal meet Veronica. [girlie voice] “I’m gonna take good care of your man” “Well, I’m not alive anymore so please, do that”.

[Connor and Randy riding the bike]

Connor: Hey, you see that river?[points] [both laugh]

Randy: This is crazy. I have to bring my wife out here.

Connor: Me too. Me too.

Randy: Hey, you know what I want to do right now?

Connor: Yeah, I think so.

[cranes his neck back to Randy and kisses him full on the lips] [both laugh]

Randy: Oh, that felt good as hell!

Connor: I love this! I can’t wait to tell my wife about our kiss!

Randy: Hey, what’s that? [points]

Connor: Why, it looks like an old mill!

Randy: Let’s check it out!

[Randy and Connor go down the highway in love] [credits roll rapidly] [“Highway Cops” logo] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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