Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
Announcer: The following program is brought to you in living color on NBC.[NBC peacock graphic from the 70’s]
Announcer: We now return to “Highway Cops”.[“Highway Cops” logo] [Police Station outside, cut to the chief’s office, two mustached motorcycle cops talk to the chief]
Connor: …and I pull up next to her on my bike, and I told her to pull over.
Chief: Well, did she?
Connor: No, no. She just kept going.
Randy: So, wow, she didn’t pull over?
Chief: Connor, you always tell the best stories. [phone rings, picks it up] Hello! Uh-huh! What do we got? Where?! That serious?! Ok, we’re on it! Connor! Randy! There’s a bank robbery in progress on Elm and 14Th street!
Connor: Let’s go!
Randy: Oh, dammit! My bike’s in the shop!
Connor: You can ride with me.
Chief: Hey, get out of here, you guys! You’re wasting precious time! I need you there five minutes ago! Go! [Randy and Connor leave, Chief sits and pulls out a photo of his wife] Crystal baby, I miss you so much. Why did you have to die when your heart stopped? Damn, damn, damn.
Connor: Hey! Do you remember the address?
Randy: What?! Oh, yes. It was—[bump] Whoa! Almost fell off there!
Connor: Hey, why don’t you hold on to my waist?
Connor: Is that better?
Randy: Oh yeah. Much better.
Connor: [points] Hey look, the leaves are changing.
Randy: Where? [both laugh] This is fun as hell!
Connor: What?! I didn’t hear you?!
Randy: I said I’m having a great time!
Connor: Yeah, me too buddy! You know, we got the best job in the world![back to the police station]
Chief: MacDougal, Pooley, thanks for coming through for me.
MacDougal: You got it chief.
Pooley: Thank you for thanking us, chief. [leave]
Chief: Ok. Just be careful out there.[Randy and Connor walk in]
Chief: Where have you been?! The bank called! They said you never showed up!
Connor: Oh man! The bank!
Randy: That’s what it was! Remember I told you we were forgetting something.
Connor: Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Chief: You two are making the gray spot of my fro’ get bigger. You gotta focus. By the way, Randy, your bike’s out of the shop. [phone rings] Hello! Uh-huh! Where?! We’re on our way! There was a drug bust on Park and Wood! There’s a stand-off! They need back-up!
Connor: You got it, Chief!
Randy: We’re on it![both leave, the Chief talks with his wife’s picture]
Chief: Crystal baby, I want to get back into the dating pool. I met someone. She’s not you. She ranks lower than you in most areas. But higher than you on two very crucial areas. The butt and she’s alive.[Connor and Randy on the bike]
Connor: Hey, what’s that smell?
Randy: What smell?
Connor: The smell in the air.
Randy: Crisp, right?
Connor: Yeah, and leaves. Hey, look! [points]
Randy: What is it?
Connor: It’s an old barn. I love this. Hey, lets see what this bad boy can do! [accelerates the bike, engine revs] Whew! Whooo! Whoo!
Randy: Oh, you’re wild!
Connor: I feel like yelling out loud!
Randy: Then do it, man!
Connor: I couldn’t.
Randy: Do it!
Connor: Yaaaaahoooo!!! Whooooo!!![back at the police station]
Chief: [on the phone] Yeah, so dinner on Thursday? Great. Well, I don’t want to say that yet. Well, whether I feel it or not, Crystal is still in the picture. I just want to go a little more slow. You know, I got to call you back. [hangs up] Where were you?![Connor eats an apple, Randy puts a bucket of apples on the Chief’s desk]
Randy: Picked some apples of an orchard for you.
Connor: Chief, have you been outside?
Chief: You guys didn’t back up the drug bust team! What happened?!
Randy: Chief, I’m gonna be dead honest with you. I’m drawing a complete blank on what you’re talking about.
Chief: The diameter of the gray spot on my fro’ just doubled. [phone rings] Yes, hello! Uh-huh! Ok, thank you. [hangs up] Well, I guess this is your lucky day. Part of the gang was just spotted at a gas station 3 miles from here on Highway 10. You think you can redeem yourselves?
Connor: Hey, you got it, chief!
Chief: And Randy? You know your bike is fixed, right?
Randy: Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Chief: Because they called and said it’s been fixed for a while now.
Randy: Thanks a lot, chief!
Connor: Come on! Let’s roll![Chief pulls out a photo of his wife and a photo of his girlfriend]
Chief: I’m sorry Crystal. But I got to do this for me. Crystal meet Veronica. [girlie voice] “I’m gonna take good care of your man” “Well, I’m not alive anymore so please, do that”.[Connor and Randy riding the bike]
Connor: Hey, you see that river?[points] [both laugh]
Randy: This is crazy. I have to bring my wife out here.
Connor: Me too. Me too.
Randy: Hey, you know what I want to do right now?
Connor: Yeah, I think so.[cranes his neck back to Randy and kisses him full on the lips] [both laugh]
Randy: Oh, that felt good as hell!
Connor: I love this! I can’t wait to tell my wife about our kiss!
Randy: Hey, what’s that? [points]
Connor: Why, it looks like an old mill!
Randy: Let’s check it out![Randy and Connor go down the highway in love] [credits roll rapidly] [“Highway Cops” logo] [cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel