SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/30/10: Highway Cops


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 5

10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

Highway Cops

Connor….Jason Sudeikis
Randy….Jon Hamm
Chief….Kenan Thompson
MacDougal….Taram Killam
Pooley….Paul Brittain

Announcer: The following program is brought to you in living color on NBC.

[NBC peacock graphic from the 70’s]

Announcer: We now return to “Highway Cops”.

[“Highway Cops” logo] [Police Station outside, cut to the chief’s office, two mustached motorcycle cops talk to the chief]

Connor: …and I pull up next to her on my bike, and I told her to pull over.

Chief: Well, did she?

Connor: No, no. She just kept going.

Randy: So, wow, she didn’t pull over?

Connor: No.

Chief: Connor, you always tell the best stories. [phone rings, picks it up] Hello! Uh-huh! What do we got? Where?! That serious?! Ok, we’re on it! Connor! Randy! There’s a bank robbery in progress on Elm and 14Th street!

Connor: Let’s go!

Randy: Oh, dammit! My bike’s in the shop!

Connor: You can ride with me.

Chief: Hey, get out of here, you guys! You’re wasting precious time! I need you there five minutes ago! Go! [Randy and Connor leave, Chief sits and pulls out a photo of his wife] Crystal baby, I miss you so much. Why did you have to die when your heart stopped? Damn, damn, damn.

[Connor drives the bike down the road, Randy in the back]

Connor: Hey! Do you remember the address?

Randy: What?! Oh, yes. It was—[bump] Whoa! Almost fell off there!

Connor: Hey, why don’t you hold on to my waist?

[Randy holds Connor by the waist]

Connor: Is that better?

Randy: Oh yeah. Much better.

Connor: [points] Hey look, the leaves are changing.

Randy: Where? [both laugh] This is fun as hell!

Connor: What?! I didn’t hear you?!

Randy: I said I’m having a great time!

Connor: Yeah, me too buddy! You know, we got the best job in the world!

[back to the police station]

Chief: MacDougal, Pooley, thanks for coming through for me.

MacDougal: You got it chief.

Pooley: Thank you for thanking us, chief. [leave]

Chief: Ok. Just be careful out there.

[Randy and Connor walk in]

Chief: Where have you been?! The bank called! They said you never showed up!

Connor: Oh man! The bank!

Randy: That’s what it was! Remember I told you we were forgetting something.

Connor: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Chief: You two are making the gray spot of my fro’ get bigger. You gotta focus. By the way, Randy, your bike’s out of the shop. [phone rings] Hello! Uh-huh! Where?! We’re on our way! There was a drug bust on Park and Wood! There’s a stand-off! They need back-up!

Connor: You got it, Chief!

Randy: We’re on it!

[both leave, the Chief talks with his wife’s picture]

Chief: Crystal baby, I want to get back into the dating pool. I met someone. She’s not you. She ranks lower than you in most areas. But higher than you on two very crucial areas. The butt and she’s alive.

[Connor and Randy on the bike]

Connor: Hey, what’s that smell?

Randy: What smell?

Connor: The smell in the air.

Randy: Crisp, right?

Connor: Yeah, and leaves. Hey, look! [points]

Randy: What is it?

Connor: It’s an old barn. I love this. Hey, lets see what this bad boy can do! [accelerates the bike, engine revs] Whew! Whooo! Whoo!

Randy: Oh, you’re wild!

Connor: I feel like yelling out loud!

Randy: Then do it, man!

Connor: I couldn’t.

Randy: Do it!

Connor: Yaaaaahoooo!!! Whooooo!!!

[back at the police station]

Chief: [on the phone] Yeah, so dinner on Thursday? Great. Well, I don’t want to say that yet. Well, whether I feel it or not, Crystal is still in the picture. I just want to go a little more slow. You know, I got to call you back. [hangs up] Where were you?!

[Connor eats an apple, Randy puts a bucket of apples on the Chief’s desk]

Randy: Picked some apples of an orchard for you.

Connor: Chief, have you been outside?

Chief: You guys didn’t back up the drug bust team! What happened?!

Randy: Chief, I’m gonna be dead honest with you. I’m drawing a complete blank on what you’re talking about.

Chief: The diameter of the gray spot on my fro’ just doubled. [phone rings] Yes, hello! Uh-huh! Ok, thank you. [hangs up] Well, I guess this is your lucky day. Part of the gang was just spotted at a gas station 3 miles from here on Highway 10. You think you can redeem yourselves?

Connor: Hey, you got it, chief!

Chief: And Randy? You know your bike is fixed, right?

Randy: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Chief: Because they called and said it’s been fixed for a while now.

Randy: Thanks a lot, chief!

Connor: Come on! Let’s roll!

[Chief pulls out a photo of his wife and a photo of his girlfriend]

Chief: I’m sorry Crystal. But I got to do this for me. Crystal meet Veronica. [girlie voice] “I’m gonna take good care of your man” “Well, I’m not alive anymore so please, do that”.

[Connor and Randy riding the bike]

Connor: Hey, you see that river?[points] [both laugh]

Randy: This is crazy. I have to bring my wife out here.

Connor: Me too. Me too.

Randy: Hey, you know what I want to do right now?

Connor: Yeah, I think so.

[cranes his neck back to Randy and kisses him full on the lips] [both laugh]

Randy: Oh, that felt good as hell!

Connor: I love this! I can’t wait to tell my wife about our kiss!

Randy: Hey, what’s that? [points]

Connor: Why, it looks like an old mill!

Randy: Let’s check it out!

[Randy and Connor go down the highway in love] [credits roll rapidly] [“Highway Cops” logo] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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