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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
Jon Hamm’s Monologue
Audience Member #1…..Bill Hader
Audience Member #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Audience Member #3…..Kenan Thompson
Audience Member #4…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jon Hamm!
Jon Hamm: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It is, uh — it is SO GREAT to be back at “Saturday Night Live”. First off — Happy Halloween! This is actually the second time I’ve hosted the Halloween show at “SNL”. As you may have noticed, I’ve switched up my costume. The first time I hosted, I went as “nervous”. And this year I’m going as “slightly less nervous.”
It’s a very exciting time for me — I just finished my fourth season on “Mad Men”. [ audience cheers ] And, you know, one of the many benefits of being on “Mad Men” is getting to know the world of advertising. It’s funny, but playing Don Draper has made me think about ad campaigns alot. Sometimes I’ll be walking down the street, and I’ll see a product and a slogan will just pop into my head! I’ll show. Someone name a product. Uh — you! [ he points into the audience ]
Audience Member #1: Uh —
Jon Hamm: It could be anything!
Audience Member #1: Uh — purses!
Jon Hamm: Purses! [ thinking ] Uhhh, okay — what are purses? Uhhh — “They’re for… ladies to hold things!” But they’re MORE than that! Uhhh — “Purses are those things we need… for the small trips in life.” Uh, they’re uh — oh, I almost have it! Uhh — “Everyday… is a secret vacation… with your tiny lady suitcase! PURSES!!” Not bad, right? [ audience applauds ] You’d buy a purse, wouldn’t you, Ma’am?
Audience Member #1: Oh, I’m not a woman…
Jon Hamm: Yeah, that was fun! So let’s try another one! Uh — [ he looks into the audience ] What about you, young lady?
Audience Member #2: Me? Um… diapers?
Jon Hamm: Diapers. Okay. Uhhh — “Pants for babies.” Uhh — no! No, no, no! They’re more than that, because you can’t crap in your pants. Uh — “When you have an accident… DIAPERS are there to catch it! Like the net… of your trapeze act.” … “Diapers got your back!” No! “Diapers got your BUTT!” Picture this — picture this: A normal baby… with a backward baby hat… and the words come up: “Don’t worry, little homey — we’ve got your butt. DIAPERS!” [ he claps his hands, as the audience applauds ] Wow! That’s pretty good! That’s pretty good, if I do say so myself! What do you think, Ma’am?
Audience Member #2: Me?
Jon Hamm: No — her [ he points to the first audience member ]
Audience Member #1: Yeah — I’m not a woman…
Jon Hamm: [ pointing to another audience member ] How about you? Name something!
Audience Member #3: [ smiling ] Refrigerators!
Jon Hamm: Refrigerators. [ he laughs ] That’s easy! “A box of winter for your food to live in.” I mean, come on, man! I want to be challenged here!
Audience Member #4: Ohhh, you want to be challenged?
Jon Hamm: [ cocky ] You think you can take me?
Audience Member #4: I know I can take you!
Jon Hamm: Let’s hear it, Weird Guy.
Audience Member #4: [ he purses his lips ] Nine-volt batteries. [ he smiles at the other audience members ]
Jon Hamm: [ sweating ] Nine-volt batteries… [ thinking ] “It’s hip to be square”? No, that’s too obvious. [ thinking ] “With two nipple-like connectors, there’s no way this battery won’t turn you on.” No, that’s too dirty! “This IS your grandfather’s battery!” Nooo, that’s too familiar… Come on, you can DO this, Hamm!! [ a beat ] Yeah, that’s actually what I call myself… Uh — I WILL get this![ the audience member casually files his fingernails ]
Jon Hamm: Nine-volts… It’s so hard because it’s so DIFFERENT from every other battery… [ he stops ] Wait! That’s it! [ he smiles ] “Caught in a maze of boring batteries? You’re gonna want to dial 9 to get out! Nine-volt batteries!!”[ Hamm looks at the audience member for approval ]
Audience Member #4: [ considering the slogan ] Yes. That’s the correct slogan.
Jon Hamm: WHAM, BAM — THANK YOU, HAMM!![ the audience cheers ]
Audience Member #4: Had enough?
Jon Hamm: Yeah. Yeah. [ he looks to the first audience member ] Lady? Call me later!
Audience Member #1: Oh, I will! ‘Cause, hey — it’s Jon Hamm!
Jon Hamm: We have a great show for you tonight — Rihanna is here! So stick around, we will be RIGHT back!