SNL Transcripts: Scarlett Johansson: 11/13/10: A Treat from Paula Deen’s Kitchen


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 6

10f: Scarlett Johansson / Arcade Fire

A Treat from Paula Deen’s Kitchen

Paula Deen….Kristen Wiig

[ open on images of butter frying ] [ dissolve to Paula Deen in her kitchen ]

Paula Deen: [ in thick Southern accent ] Hi, y’all!! I’m Paula Deen, and you know my FAVORITE two ingredients to cook with are butter and oil! But some people don’t WANT all that fat in their food — that’s why I’m introducing my new product! [ she picks up a giant roll of paper towels ] Paula Deen’s Big Ol’ Soakem Paper Towels! For when you want to get the FAT outta your good ol’ Southern food. [ she tears a sheet from the roll ] They are EIGHT-PLY, y’all! So they REALLY soak up all that butter and oil, that you just don’t WANT getting on your little Tigger! [ she cups her left breast ]

Watch THIS, y’all! I’m gonna put one of my FAMOUS butter-crusted drizzler biscuits on a piece of a Big Ol’ Soakem! [ she places the biscuit on top of the paper towel ] And I’m just gonna let it SIT there like a little frog on a log! Let’s wait ten seconds!

[ the camera pans away from the biscuit and on to a close-up of Paula licking handfuls of butter ]

Paula Deen: [ glancing over ] Now, LOOK at THAT!

[ cut to a close-up of the paper towel with a tiny biscuit crumb on top ]

Paula Deen: That big ol’ biscuit got all the butter and oil just SUCKED right on OUT of it! Now that biscuit is a LOT more healthy, y’all! [ she puts the tiny biscuit in her mouth ] Also, it tastes like [bleep]in’ [bleep], y’all! [ she places the tiny biscuit back on the paper towel ]

Look, y’all — just between me, you, and the chickens: I HAVE to suggest this oil-drainin’ ’cause health officials are REALLY backin’ up my back bumper about my food makin’ little children FAT! Why, I was a fat child and look at how I turned out!! I’m on TV, and I have a REAL foxy husband! [ she holds up a framed photo of her husband ] He is Santa-licious! I love to sit on his lap! [ she licks another finger of butter ] And you should see how FAT my grandbaby boy is! He’s just like a string of plump, little sausages with a DIAPER on it! I just want to BITE him! You better watch it, or I’m gonna put him in the FRYER and serve him up on a bed of big ‘ol buttered beans!

[ Paula starts to fan herself with her hand ]

Paula Deen: Whoo! It is as hot as a devil’s danglers in this fake kitchen! Whoo! [ she wipes her face with one of her paper towels, then holds up the face-sized stain for the camera ] Oh! Mercy me! I am givin’ off some body butter today! Y’all, PLEASE go buy some of these Soakem’s so people will get off my double bubble! I am gonna take a HEAT NAP on my face on my sun porch, and I BETTER put down a Soakem or I’m gonna ruin my pillows! Love y’all!

[ Paula grabs her bowl of butter and begins digging her fingers in and licking as she exits the kitchen ] [ cut to house exterior, with product label ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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