Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 6
Denzel Washington as Frank Barnes…..Jay Pharaoh
Chris Pine as Will Colson…..Taran Killam
Rosario Dawson as Dispatcher Connie Hooper…..Scarlett Johansson
Frank Barnes: So you’re my new partner, huh? I didn’t know I was runnin’ a day care center![ SUPER: “DENZEL WASHINGTON” ]
Will Colson: Yeah, well, I didn’t know I was working in a retirement home, so —[ SUPER: “CHRIS PINE” ] [ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]
Frank Barnes: All-right!
Connie Hopper: We have an unmanned train with eight freight cars of hazardous chemicals with no air brakes! It’s not a train — it’s a MISSILE the size of the CHRYSLER BUILDING![ cut to the train ]
Frank Barnes: [ chuckling ] Let’s do this, Rookie!
Will Colson: Don’t call me “Rookie”, Old Man! I KNOW trains!
Frank Barnes: Where’d you learn trains, huh? “Thomas the Tank Engine”?
Will Colson: Yeah, where did YOU learn trains, Old Man? From inventing them?[ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]
Frank Barnes: Ha ha haaaaa! LOVE IT!
Connie Hopper: Guys! We need you to STOP that train… NOW!
Co-worker: It gets worse!
Connie Hopper: It’s on a collision course with a train full of kids on a field trip!
Co-worker: It gets worse!
Connie Hopper: The field trip was to a petroleum refinery, and they all brought home souvenier gasoline! That’s enough flaming kids to hold hands in a circle around the Chrysler Building![ cut to the train ]
Will Colson: What are we gonna do?
Frank Barnes: Relax, Rugrat — don’t soil your diaper, huh!
Will Colson: Don’t soil your Depends, Old Man![ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]
Frank Barnes: Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa! ALL-RIGHT!! You see, he’s insulted me and I’m ALLOWING it!!
Connie Hopper: Guys! What’s the status?!
Frank Barnes: It seems we’re coming to a begrudging respect for one another! When we met, we focused on our differences!
Will Colson: But now it appears that we have more in common than we thought.
Frank Barnes: Now! What did you want to say?
Connie Hopper: A nursing home shuttle bus got stuck on the track —
Frank Barnes: BOOM!!![ an explosion, as the train crashes through the shuttle bus ]
Will Colson: There’s gotta be a way to stop it!
Connie Hopper: We’re trying to figure that out, but we’re going through a hundred years’ of files! It’s like trying to find a needle… in the CHRYSLER BUILDING![ SUPER: “INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS” ]
Frank Barnes: You’re too YOUNG!!
Will Colson: You’re too OLD!![ they rush one another and hug ]
Frank Barnes: I LOVE this guy! [ he cries ] O-kay![ cut to dispatch booth ]
Connie Hopper: Here’s the WORST news yet — there’s a train ON TOP OF the runaway train! That’s like a CHRSYLER BUILDING on top of a CHRYSLER BUILDING!
Frank Barnes: Chugga-chugga CHOO-CHOO! Ha haaaa! BOOM!!![ an explosion as the train crashes vehicles on the tracks ] [ a helicopter choppers above the train ] [ cut to dispatch booth ]
Connie Hopper: Good news! We’re able to get the runaway on the emergency track!
Will Colson: Where does that go?
Co-worker: [ looking in the files ] 42nd and Lexington — New York.
Connie Hopper: That’s the CHRYSLER BUILDING![ cut to exterior, Chrysler Building ] [ train horn sounds ] [ the Chrysler Building explodes ] [ SUPER: “UNSTOPPABLE” ] [ SUPER: “IN THEATERS NOW” ] [ fade ]