SNL Transcripts: Scarlett Johansson: 11/13/10: Unstoppable



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 6












10f: Scarlett Johansson / Arcade Fire

Unstoppable

Denzel Washington as Frank Barnes…..Jay Pharaoh
Chris Pine as Will Colson…..Taran Killam
Rosario Dawson as Dispatcher Connie Hooper…..Scarlett Johansson
Co-worker…..Paul Brittain

[ SUPER: “THIS NOVEMBER” ] [ SUPER: “ALL HOPE RIDES” ] [ dissolve to forward view of train ] [ SUPER: “ON THE COURAGE OF TWO MEN” ]

Frank Barnes: So you’re my new partner, huh? I didn’t know I was runnin’ a day care center!

[ SUPER: “DENZEL WASHINGTON” ]

Will Colson: Yeah, well, I didn’t know I was working in a retirement home, so —

[ SUPER: “CHRIS PINE” ] [ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]

Frank Barnes: All-right!

[ intercuts of the train barrelling forward and Connie Hooper and co-worker in the dispatch booth ]

Connie Hopper: We have an unmanned train with eight freight cars of hazardous chemicals with no air brakes! It’s not a train — it’s a MISSILE the size of the CHRYSLER BUILDING!

[ cut to the train ]

Frank Barnes: [ chuckling ] Let’s do this, Rookie!

Will Colson: Don’t call me “Rookie”, Old Man! I KNOW trains!

Frank Barnes: Where’d you learn trains, huh? “Thomas the Tank Engine”?

Will Colson: Yeah, where did YOU learn trains, Old Man? From inventing them?

[ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]

Frank Barnes: Ha ha haaaaa! LOVE IT!

[ cut to dispatch booth ]

Connie Hopper: Guys! We need you to STOP that train… NOW!

Co-worker: It gets worse!

Connie Hopper: It’s on a collision course with a train full of kids on a field trip!

Co-worker: It gets worse!

Connie Hopper: The field trip was to a petroleum refinery, and they all brought home souvenier gasoline! That’s enough flaming kids to hold hands in a circle around the Chrysler Building!

[ cut to the train ]

Will Colson: What are we gonna do?

Frank Barnes: Relax, Rugrat — don’t soil your diaper, huh!

Will Colson: Don’t soil your Depends, Old Man!

[ rapid cuts as each man stares the other down until, finally, Denzel cracks a smile and smacks his hands together ]

Frank Barnes: Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa! ALL-RIGHT!! You see, he’s insulted me and I’m ALLOWING it!!

[ cut to dispatch booth ]

Connie Hopper: Guys! What’s the status?!

Frank Barnes: It seems we’re coming to a begrudging respect for one another! When we met, we focused on our differences!

Will Colson: But now it appears that we have more in common than we thought.

Frank Barnes: Now! What did you want to say?

Connie Hopper: A nursing home shuttle bus got stuck on the track —

Frank Barnes: BOOM!!!

[ an explosion, as the train crashes through the shuttle bus ]

Will Colson: There’s gotta be a way to stop it!

Connie Hopper: We’re trying to figure that out, but we’re going through a hundred years’ of files! It’s like trying to find a needle… in the CHRYSLER BUILDING!

[ SUPER: “INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS” ]

Frank Barnes: You’re too YOUNG!!

Will Colson: You’re too OLD!!

[ they rush one another and hug ]

Frank Barnes: I LOVE this guy! [ he cries ] O-kay!

[ cut to dispatch booth ]

Connie Hopper: Here’s the WORST news yet — there’s a train ON TOP OF the runaway train! That’s like a CHRSYLER BUILDING on top of a CHRYSLER BUILDING!

Frank Barnes: Chugga-chugga CHOO-CHOO! Ha haaaa! BOOM!!!

[ an explosion as the train crashes vehicles on the tracks ] [ a helicopter choppers above the train ] [ cut to dispatch booth ]

Connie Hopper: Good news! We’re able to get the runaway on the emergency track!

Will Colson: Where does that go?

Co-worker: [ looking in the files ] 42nd and Lexington — New York.

Connie Hopper: That’s the CHRYSLER BUILDING!

[ cut to exterior, Chrysler Building ] [ train horn sounds ] [ the Chrysler Building explodes ] [ SUPER: “UNSTOPPABLE” ] [ SUPER: “IN THEATERS NOW” ] [ fade ]

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