Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 7
The Rachel Maddow Show
Rachel Maddow…..Abby Elliott
John Boehner…..Bill Hader
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Charles Rangel…..Kenan Thompson
Rachel Maddow: Hello, and welcome to “The Rachel Maddow Show”. I’m Rachel Maddow, and, in a cross promotion with the new “Harry Potter” movie, my haircut will look like this forever. Joining us today: new Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner.
John Boehner: Thank you for pronouncing it right. You can imagine people have a lot of fun with it.
Rachel Maddow: Current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.
Nancy Pelosi: Hello, Rachel. Hello, Boner.
Rachel Maddow: And last but not least, a man recently found guilty of 11 ethics violations, Charlie Rangel.
Charles Rangel: I am… somewhat innocent!
Rachel Maddow: John Boehner, we start with you. Your party claims it wants to lower the deficit, but won’t extending the Bush tax cuts to the top earners add $700 billion to the deficit?
John Boehner: Rachel, on election night, the American people spoke and they spoke loudly. And the words they spoke were: “Stop the tax hikes, and stop the spending.”
Rachel Maddow: But, surely you don’t think you can close the deficit gap solely with cuts in spending?
John Boehner: Rachel, the American people could not have been louder or clearer. True story — On election night, I was asleep, and suddenly I heard voices. I went to my window and I opened it up. It was the voices of the American people, and they were saying loudly and in unison. like a great big barber shop quartet: “Stop the tax hikes, and stop the spending.”
Rachel Maddow: So if your only measure to lower the deficit is reducing spending, what are some of the programs that you would be willing to cut?
John Boehner: Uh, on this, sadly, the American people were not clear. I yelled from my window: “American people, what specific programs should we cut?” Their voices faded away into the night. The last thing I heard was: [ whispering ] “Stop the tax hikes. Stop the spending.”
Rachel Maddow: One last question: “Orange” you glad I didn’t mention the color of your face? [ she laughs ]
John Boehner: Very funny.
Rachel Maddow: We turn now to the current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.
Nancy Pelosi: Hello, Rachel.
Rachel Maddow: Madam Speaker, Republicans are saying that America spoke in the midterm elections, and Democrats need to completely change the way they do things.
Nancy Pelosi: And it’s such a good point, Rachel. And I do intend to follow the wonderful example of Republicans who, after the 2008 elections, when the Democrats took the presidency and both houses, completely changed the way they did things. I think we all remember how helpful they became, so willing to reach across the aisle. Oh wait, I have that backwards. They turned into a pack of ferrel dogs guarding a turned over trash can.
Rachel Maddow: This week, you held off a challenge from within your own party for your own leadership position. Does that bother you?
Nancy Pelosi: Nothing bothers me, Rachel. That’s why I always have the same expression. [ she holds her pose ] But I want to assure my enemies that it will take more than one election to take me down. If you want to get rid of Nancy Pelosi, you better be ready to cut off my head and bury it separately from my body.
Rachel Maddow: Nancy Pelosi. A woman who always looks like she’s watching someone not use a coaster. Joining us now, the Democrat who had the toughest week, Charlie Rangel. Welcome, Congressman.
Charles Rangel: Hello, young man.
Rachel Maddow: Congressman, what was your reaction to Thursday’s censure?
Charles Rangel: Rachel, I did not deserve this treatment. I am a 20-term congressman. I’m a decorated war hero. I was awarded both the Bronze Star, as well as the Silver Pompadour. [ he runs his hand through his hair ] Yet, still I am attacked.
Rachel Maddow: Well, you’re under attack for your legal troubles.
Charles Rangel: I-I’d like to make a distinction. People keep saying I’m having “legal” troubles. These are ethics violations. I did nothing criminal. I just did things that were unethical. Did I kill someone? No. Did I lie for the purposes of getting money? Perhaps. When I say “perhaps”, do I mean “yes”? I do. But I am not a criminal. I am just a person that can — and should — not be trusted.
Rachel Maddow: Charlie Rangel, if you lived in the Old West, you’d be the bartender.
Charles Rangel: You got me!
Rachel Maddow: Final thoughts, John Boehner?[ reveal Boehner speaking on the telephone ]
John Boehner: Excuse me, Rachel — it’s the American people. [ into the phone ] Stop taxes. What else? Stop spending? Well, what spending? Hello, hello? You’re breaking up. Hello? Ehhhh… lost them. [ he hangs up ]
Rachel Maddow: Nancy Pelosi?
Nancy Pelosi: [ frantically feeling around her neck ] I-I’m sorry, Rachel. It seems my necklace has gone missing.
Rachel Maddow: John Boehner?
John Boehner: Don’t look at me.
Rachel Maddow: Charlie Rangel?
Charles Rangel: [ wearing the necklace ] What?
Rachel Maddow: Give that back!
Charles Rangel: No, thank you. Rachel, in closing, I just want to say I’m proud to live in a country where a man like Charlie Rangel can be a congressman, and a 12-year-old boy like yourself can have his own TV show.
Rachel Maddow: And that’s all the time we have — and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”