Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 7
Spokesman: Clear your calendars! Chug that coffee! And wake the kids! Because THIS Friday is BLACK Friday at Mega-Mart![ stock photo of Mega-Mart exterior ]
Announcer: BLACK FRIDAY!!
Spokesman: It’s the biggest shopping day of the year, and we’re giving you INCREDIBLE $aving$, with:
Announcer: MEGA-MART!! 12 MINUTE MADNESS!!
Spokesman: This is the shortest, craziest, sale in retail history![ stock footage of crazed shoppers trampling over one another as they rush into the store ]
Spokesman V/O: You have just TWELVE minutes to rush in, and grab all the deals you can carry!
Spokesman: It’s gonna be a Savings Stampede![ speeded-up stock footage of cattle running through their pen ]
Announcer: SAVINGS STAMPEDE!!
Spokesman: Door buster specials like: iPads for $39.00![ superimposed crowd rushed past, knocking the Spokesman over ]
Spokesman: 3D Televisions for $71.00![ superimposed crowd rushed past, knocking the Spokesman over ]
Spokesman: And a secret, unpublished Harry Potter novel — Harry Potter and the Treacherous Crawl Space — it’s available for only $6! And there’s ONLY seven left! So line up early, because we’re starting at 4 a.m.!
Announcer: CRACK ‘A DAWN!![ a rooster appears over the words and crows ]
Spokesman: That’s right, Coked Up Rooster![ stock footage of crowds lined up outside ]
Spokesman V/O: At 4 a.m., we will SWING our doors open to anybody and EVERYbody!
Spokesman: JUST as soon as we finish waxing and mopping our floors![ reveal store aisle with a WET FLOOR sign ]
Announcer: SLIDE INTO $AVINGS![ speeded-up footage of a narrow aisle ]
Spokesman V/O: ALL the best deals are located at the very back of the store, down a narrow aisle packed with merchandise!
Announcer: FIRE HAZARD!!
Spokesman: And, to make room for more customers, we’ve removed our security guards![ superimposed footage of a security guard blasting into space ] [ stock footage of tents set up outside the store ]
Spokesman V/O: People have already started camping out in a tailgate sponsored by Four Loko — America’s premier hillbilly and cholo fuel!
Spokesman: If you show up too late, you will be HUMILIATED![ cut to customer Janice Wrust standing in a line ]
Janice Wrust: [ freaking out ] I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get the 12×12 Finished in A Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit. I’ll steel myself, my stakes’ in order, and I’ve made peace with my God and those around me, so I’ll get the 12×12 Finished in A Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit, JUST YOU WAIT! Whoo, what a day for shopping!
Spokesman: Your shopping carts can only be slowed by ONE thing: BOXES!! So everyone in our Mega-Mart 12-minute frenzy will get a FREE box cutter at the door!
Announcer: FREE BOX CUTTER!!
Spokesman: And, to keep the energy up, we’ve hired DJ Thunderthrust, one of the TOP death-metal DJs in the tri-state area! He’ll be playing music SO loud…
Announcer: NO ONE!! CAN HEAR YOU!! SCREAM!!
Spokesman: Finally, we’re proud to have 93-year old actor Kirk Douglas on hand, to sign copies of his book — The Ragman’s Son! Kirk will be hidden somewhere in the store, and the first three customers to find and touch him, will win ONE FREE KINDLE!!
Announcer: CATCH HIM!! TOUCH HIM!! WIN!!
Spokesman: So strap on yuor combat boots, and start running for Black Friday’s 12-minute madness at Mega-Mart![ a superimposed crowd runs past on a loop ]
Spokesman: This is happening!! Ha ha!![ close-up of Spokesman’s frenzied face ]
Spokesman: THIS IS HAPPENING!!!
Announcer: GET IT!! DO IT!! OWN IT!! MEGA-MART!![ fade ]