SNL Transcripts: Anne Hathaway: 11/20/10: Mega-Mart



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7


















10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Mega-Mart

Spokesman…..Bobby Moynihan
Customer…..Anne Hathaway

Spokesman: Clear your calendars! Chug that coffee! And wake the kids! Because THIS Friday is BLACK Friday at Mega-Mart!

[ stock photo of Mega-Mart exterior ]

Announcer: BLACK FRIDAY!!

Spokesman: It’s the biggest shopping day of the year, and we’re giving you INCREDIBLE $aving$, with:

Announcer: MEGA-MART!! 12 MINUTE MADNESS!!

Spokesman: This is the shortest, craziest, sale in retail history!

[ stock footage of crazed shoppers trampling over one another as they rush into the store ]

Spokesman V/O: You have just TWELVE minutes to rush in, and grab all the deals you can carry!

Spokesman: It’s gonna be a Savings Stampede!

[ speeded-up stock footage of cattle running through their pen ]

Announcer: SAVINGS STAMPEDE!!

Spokesman: Door buster specials like: iPads for $39.00!

[ superimposed crowd rushed past, knocking the Spokesman over ]

Spokesman: 3D Televisions for $71.00!

[ superimposed crowd rushed past, knocking the Spokesman over ]

Spokesman: And a secret, unpublished Harry Potter novel — Harry Potter and the Treacherous Crawl Space — it’s available for only $6! And there’s ONLY seven left! So line up early, because we’re starting at 4 a.m.!

Announcer: CRACK ‘A DAWN!!

[ a rooster appears over the words and crows ]

Spokesman: That’s right, Coked Up Rooster!

[ stock footage of crowds lined up outside ]

Spokesman V/O: At 4 a.m., we will SWING our doors open to anybody and EVERYbody!

Spokesman: JUST as soon as we finish waxing and mopping our floors!

[ reveal store aisle with a WET FLOOR sign ]

Announcer: SLIDE INTO $AVINGS!

[ speeded-up footage of a narrow aisle ]

Spokesman V/O: ALL the best deals are located at the very back of the store, down a narrow aisle packed with merchandise!

Announcer: FIRE HAZARD!!

Spokesman: And, to make room for more customers, we’ve removed our security guards!

[ superimposed footage of a security guard blasting into space ] [ stock footage of tents set up outside the store ]

Spokesman V/O: People have already started camping out in a tailgate sponsored by Four Loko — America’s premier hillbilly and cholo fuel!

Spokesman: If you show up too late, you will be HUMILIATED!

[ cut to customer Janice Wrust standing in a line ]

Janice Wrust: [ freaking out ] I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get the 12×12 Finished in A Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit. I’ll steel myself, my stakes’ in order, and I’ve made peace with my God and those around me, so I’ll get the 12×12 Finished in A Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit, JUST YOU WAIT! Whoo, what a day for shopping!

Spokesman: Your shopping carts can only be slowed by ONE thing: BOXES!! So everyone in our Mega-Mart 12-minute frenzy will get a FREE box cutter at the door!

Announcer: FREE BOX CUTTER!!

Spokesman: And, to keep the energy up, we’ve hired DJ Thunderthrust, one of the TOP death-metal DJs in the tri-state area! He’ll be playing music SO loud…

Announcer: NO ONE!! CAN HEAR YOU!! SCREAM!!

Spokesman: Finally, we’re proud to have 93-year old actor Kirk Douglas on hand, to sign copies of his book — The Ragman’s Son! Kirk will be hidden somewhere in the store, and the first three customers to find and touch him, will win ONE FREE KINDLE!!

Announcer: CATCH HIM!! TOUCH HIM!! WIN!!

Spokesman: So strap on yuor combat boots, and start running for Black Friday’s 12-minute madness at Mega-Mart!

[ a superimposed crowd runs past on a loop ]

Spokesman: This is happening!! Ha ha!!

[ close-up of Spokesman’s frenzied face ]

Spokesman: THIS IS HAPPENING!!!

Announcer: GET IT!! DO IT!! OWN IT!! MEGA-MART!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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