Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 7
The Miley Cyrus Show
Miley Cyrus…..Vanessa Bayer
Billy Ray Cyrus…..Jason Sudeikis
Katie Holmes…..Anne Hathaway
[ opening logo ]
Miley Cyrus V/O: Hey, y’all! It’s “The Miley Cyrus Show”! with ME — Miley Cyrus!
“I got guests, and a show
And I’m ready to go!
So I guess that’s… pretty cool.
It’s pretty cool!”
[ dissolve to Miley Cyrus standing in place for her monologue ]
Miley Cyrus: Shello! It’s Miley, y’all! So, this is, like, my show where I, like, talk to people, I’m pretty cool, and we’ll, like, talk about things like I’m pretty cool. So, yeah — it’s pretty cool! Heading up the Miley Cyrus Band over here, we’ve got my dad — Billy Ray Cyrus!
[ cut to Billy Ray and the band ]
Billy Ray Cyrus: [ laughing ] Hi! Hey, Miley! It’s an HONOR to share the stage with my baby giiiiirl!
Miley Cyrus: Thanks, Dad! [ she comically puts her finger in her throat like she’s gagging ] Okay! So, like, I thought I’d do something new on my comedy monologue this week! [ she holds up a puppet ] So! This is my little sister Smiley! And she’s gonna help me with my comedy monologue! Hey, Smiley! did you know that the average American woman spends TWENTY hours doung holiday shopping? [ as Smiley: ] Twenty hours?! That’s, like, a full day! That’s CRAZY! [ as herself: ] I know!! That’s CRAZY, right! [ she smiles ] That was ME doing the voice of Smiley, y’all! She’s not my sister — she’s actually a PUPPET!
[ cut to Billy Ray cracking up laughing ]
Billy Ray Cyrus: Oh, you had me FOOLED, Sweetie! I talked to Smiley for a HALF-HOUR backstage! [ he laughs ] I thought she was just shyyyyy!
[ cut to Miley seated on her main set ]
Miley Cyrus: Dad? Schnock it off! Okay! So, as y’all probably heard — I’m SEXY now! So, we’re gonna do a segment now, where we show pictures of me… BEING SEXY! Like, here’s one of me getting steamy with a male model!
[ reveal photo of Miley placing rabbit ears over the head of a topless male model ]
Miley Cyrus: Here’s one of me doing, like, a sexy, flirty wink.
[ reveal photo of Miley giving an awkward wink ]
Miley Cyrus: Here’s one of me doing a sexy pose with a snake, like Britney Spears!
[ reveal photo of Miley in dire panic as a snake wraps around her neck ]
Miley Cyrus: And here’s me as Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct”!
[ reveal pixelated photo ]
Miley Cyrus: That’s pretty sexy, right!
Billy Ray Cyrus: Whooooo! My little girl’s gorwing up! [ he laughs ]
Miley Cyrus: Soooo… my guest tonight is a very sexy lady — just like ME! So, please, give a big Shello! to Katie Holmes!
[ Katie Holmes enters the set, swaps cheek-kisses with Miley, then sits ]
Miley Cyrus: So! Katie Holmes! You used to be on a show called “Dawson’s Creek”, back in the 1900’s! so that must have been… pretty cool!
Katie Holmes: Oh, it was… [ she struggles to find the word ] great! And my character, Joey, was such a joy to play. On the surface, she just seemed like another cute, popular girl, but… [ struggling ] beneath it, she was this incredibly complicated and intelligent woman.
Miley Cyrus: Yeah! Like ME! So! There is something I’ve always wanted to ask you: Like, how did you transition into doing more adult roles, and, like, What’s the sexiest role you’ve ever done, and, like, How many boys have you kissed on screen, and, like, Who’s your best friend, and, like, Who’s Tom Cruise’s best friend, and Why does your baby wear high heels, and What does Jesus think of Scientology?
Katie Holmes: Wow! That is such an interesting array of… [ struggling ] complex questions.
Billy Ray Cyrus: Whoo-hoo-hoo!! Great job, baby!! You’re like a pretty little Regis!! [ he laughs ]
Miley Cyrus: Dad!
Billy Ray Cyrus: Hey… hey… [ meekly ] you’re my role model.
Miley Cyrus: So! Katie Holmes! You played Batman’s girlfriend in the first ever “Batman” movie, in 2005! Which is pretty cool, ’cause I just auditioned to play his girlfriend in the NEXT “Batman” movie! So, like, do you want to see my screen test?
Katie Holmes: Uh… sure… okay…
Miley Cyrus: OKAY, LET’S ROLL THAT CLIP!!
[ cut to clip from “Batman’s Back” ]
Batman: We need to get out of here! This whole place is gonna blow!
Miley Cyrus: Oh… my… God! This is SO scary and suspenseful, and stuff like that! And I mean, like, all this danger, and stuff like that! And you’re, like, Batman, so you’re kind of like a bat, and you’re kind of like a HOT guy, you look, like, really sexy, and it’s really scary, and it’s really suspenseful, and I might DIE! [ she smiles at the camera and holds the pose ]
[ return to talk show set ]
Miley Cyrus: So! What do you think!
Katie Holmes: Yeah. There’s a lot of… [ struggling to the point of hyperventilating ] interesting complexity there.
Billy Ray Cyrus: [ crying ] And the Oscar goes to my baby girl! [ he shakes his head ] I mean… you melt my heart! My achy-breaky heart!
Miley Cyrus: Well! That’s our show! My thanks to Katie Holmes!
Katie Holmes: [ weakly ] Thank you! The pleasure was… [ she struggles, but never completes her thought ]
Miley Cyrus: Okay! Thanks for watching, y’all! Come on, Dad! Let’s do our song!
Billy Ray Cyrus: Yeah-ah!
Miley & Billy Ray Cyrus: [ singing ]
“I got guests, and a showAnd we’re ready to go!So I guess that’s… pretty cool.It’s pretty cool!”
[ Miley peaces out, y’all ]
[ fade ]