Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 7
Homeless Man…..Bobby Moynihan
Pastor Mike…..Bill Hader
[ open on exterior, Lutheran Church: sign advertises “FREE THANKSGIVING DINNER” ]
[ dissolve to interior ]
Mary: [ giddy ] Hi, everyone. I’m Mary! I just want to thank you SO much for volunteering at St. Angel’s Thanksgiving soup kitchen! These dinners… are so fun! Last year, we ate… and laughed… and partied, and, and, and… it was so hard, that we — we didn’t get out of here until, like, 8:30! I’m talking P.M.!
Lisa: Well… I’m Lisa, and it’s my first time doing this! I’m excited!
Lou: And I’m LOU!! And seeing all these wonderful faces here today, it really warms my heart.
[ suddenly, from out of nowhere, Penelope leans into the frame ]
Penelope: It warms my heart, too! Soooo… that’s okay. Mine’s burning a lot, though — it’s like a little ball of fire under my bra! I can’t say the Pledge of allengiance without burning my hand, soooo… I guess my heart’s a little warmer than yours!
Mary: Thank you, uh, Penelope, was it?
Penelope: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Mary: Oh, good. Well, um — as I was saying, Thanksgiving is a special time for me. Interesting fact: Thanks to Ancestry.com, I just found out that I had relatives come over on the Mayflower!
Penelope: My relatives came over on the April Flower, soooo… I guess they got here one month before yours did.
Mary: Alright. Good to know. Uh — oh! Well! I can see that people are starting to arrive, so I’m gonna open the doors, and, uh, everybody, let’s get our aprons on!
[ Lou puts a “WORLD’S GREATEST CHEF” apron on ]
[ Penelope puts a “UNIVERSE’S GREATEST-EST CHEF SO….” apron on ]
Mary: [ as she opens the door for the homeless ] Aw, come on in! Come on in! Happy Thanksgiving, everybo —
Penelope: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
Mary: Happy Turkey Day —
Penelope: HAPPY TURKEY DAY!! Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Valentine’s Day! Happy Birthday! Happy Fourth of July! You’ll probably get to see a lot of fireworks, because you live outside.
Mary: [ stunned ] Penelope! Uh — you know what? I-I think I’ve got this covered, alright? Why don’t you go over there and serve some corn?
[ Penelope takes her place behind the serving table, as a homeless man steps forward ]
Lisa: Mashed potatoes?
Homeless Guy: Yeah, please! They’re my favorite!
Lisa: Ohhhh, well, maybe I can sneak you a little extra!
Homeless Guy: Whoa!
Penelope: I’ll sneak you a little extra, too. [ she holds out an oversized spoon filled with niblets ] Some corn, uh? I’m just gonna give you a little more than she did, sooo… I’m gonna give you a little more than she did.
Homeless Guy: Oh, WOW!! I am thankful for YOU, lady!
[ he moves along ]
Mary: [ running forward ] Oh! Oh! Oh! Penelope! What are you doing? you can’t give that much corn to one person! HERE! [ she hands Penelope a normal-sized spoon ]
Lou: Don’t be so hard on her. She means well.
Mary: Well… fine! But just don’t bring out any more BIG silverware, okay? [ she looks over ] Pastor Miiiike! It’s so good to see you!
Pastor Mike: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Wow, look at all these turkeys — hey, there’s food here, too! [ he laughs ]
Mary: Oh, Pastor Mike! You tell SUCH good jokes!
Pastor Mike: Thank you very much!
[ suddenly, Penelope appears with a microphone standing before her ]
Penelope: [ tapping the microphone ] Is this thing on? I tell good jokes, too! Did you guys hear the one about the peanut? The one who went to Central Park? It was a salted! That’s my time, you’ve been a great crowd! [ she sidles off ]
Mary: Thank you, Penelope. Anyway, Pastor Mike, I saved you a drumstick!
Pastor Mike: Ohhh! don’t mind if I do! And, when you have a chance, come by my table and say “Hi”. THe whole family’s here — all three of us!
[ Penelope rises up from the floor ]
Penelope: My family’s here, too, sooo… There’s six of us, so, like, double-bigger than yours. They’re right over there, sooo…
[ reveal a weird-looking sextet standing against the wall mimicking Penelope’s mannerisms ]
Lisa: Excuse me, uh, Mary?
Lisa: Some of the people are wondering if you could turn up the volume on the football game?
Mary: Oh, of course! No problem! I’d be happy to do that!
[ reveal Penelope beneath the wall-mount television ]
Penelope: I’m already doing it, so. I’m just gonna turn it up a little bit louder than you would have. I’m just turning it up!
Mary: [ smiling ] Hmm. If Pastor Mike wasn’t here, I’d kick that girl in the giblets!
Lisa: Oh, she’s just being helpful!
[ the crowd reacts to a play ]
Lou: That’s the LONGEST pass I’ve ever seen! What’s Sanchez doing? There’s no one in the end zone!
Lisa: [ squinting at the screen ] Who is that?
[ reveal Penelope at the end zone on the television, as she catches the pass ]
Penelope: It’s me, I caught it, sooo… Touchdown! Thank you, Lord! [ she kisses the football ]
Mary: [ incredulous ] What is happening?!
[ Penelope reappears in the dining area ]
Penelope: Does anyone want this football? I can’t play any more, I just tested positive for steroids.
Mary: She’s RUINING this entire day! She’s acting like she’s the, the Queen of Thanksgiving!
Penelope: [ holding a sceptor over a turkey centerpiece ] I AM the Queen of Thanksgiving, so… I now dub thee Sir Waddle Gobble Lot! So, congratulations!
Mary: Really, Penelope? Really? You are the… Queen of Thanksgiving? Well — [ she chuckles ] I’m the, uh, PRESIDENT of WEDNESDAYS! And, uh — and, and, and you know what else? I drive a tanning bed to work! And, and, and, if I clap three times, a weiner dog appears, and — OH! My dad’s a chocolate chip! And, you know what else? If I want to relax, I just turn myself into a pot of soup! So… [ she mumbles and begins to pull at her hair ]
Penelope: Well… I guess all I can say is: My tanning bed drives me to work, so I can read the paper and have my coffee. And if I clap twice, all the dogs in the world get next to a weiner. And my dad’s a chocoalte chip cookie, so your dad’s baked inside. And when I want to relax, I shrink into a pot of soup and float around and use a celery stick as a raft. So… [ she pulls at her hair ]
Mary: I don’t even know why I am WASTING my time with you! This is a day of thanks and… you made it all about YOU!!
Lisa: Mary, calm down. Just try to have some food and relax.
Mary: You’re right. I’m sorry. I — [ she laughs at herself ]
Lou: Uhhh, Mary? I think we have a situation over here.
[ Mary peers into the soup pot ]
[ reveal a shrunken Penelope usinf a celery stick as a raft ]
Penelope: Happy Thanksgiving! I’m not thankful four anything — I’m thankful five, so more than you! I’m more thankful than eveyone else! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Happy Turkey Day…
[ pull back, as the bluescreen floor and celery stick prop is revealed ]
[ fade ]