SNL Transcripts: Anne Hathaway: 11/20/10: Visiting the Queen



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 7












10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Visiting the Queen

Prince William…..Andy Samberg
queen Elizabeth…..Fred Armisen
Prince Philip…..Bill Hader
Kate Middleton…..Anne Hathaway
Servant…..Taran Killam

[ open on exterior, Buckingham Palace, with various superimposed newspaper headlines announcing Prince Williams engagement ] [ dissolve to interior, Queen’s parlor ]

Prince William: Hello, Grandmama. Hello, Grandpapa.

Queen Elizabeth: Hello, William.

Prince Philip: Hello, my dear boy.

Prince William: Of course, you remember my girlfriend Catherine.

Kate Middleton: It’s a pleasure to see you again, Your Majesties.

Queen Elizabeth & Prince Philip: [ bored ] Yes, quite, yes, yes…

Prince William: We wanted you to be the first to know that we are to be wed.

Queen Elizabeth: Catherine, we welcome you to our family with open heart and open hearts.

Kate Middleton: Thank you. I love your grandson very much and I’m honoured to join the Windsor family, Your Majesty.

[ Servant enters ]

Servant: Beg your pardon, Prince William, telephone call for you.

Prince William: Ah well, I’ll only be a moment; do chat until I return.

[ Prince William exits with the Servant ]

Kate Middleton: Your Majesties, William and I have been walking on air, it’s all so brilliant and exciting!

Queen Elizabeth: [ sternly ] Shut up!

Kate Middleton: [ taken aback ] What?

Queen Elizabeth: I said SHUT your mouth! [ she jumps to her feet ]

Prince Philip: What do you want?

Kate Middleton: I’m sorry Your Majesty, what do I want?

Queen Elizabeth: [ she props one leg on the chair ] Just what you want, yeh? Right, you’ve seen our set-up here and you like it, yeah little girl?

Prince Philip: [ now chewing on a toothpick ] You want a piece of our palace action, aye?

Queen Elizabeth: What, you think you can just like show up and take over yeah, do a bit of Queening in there, right?

Kate Middleton: I beg your pardon Your Majesty, but why are you two talking like that?

Prince Philip: This is how we really talk, love. Not so nice, right? But it gets the job done, don’t it?

Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, I promise I don’t want a piece of your action, I want to marry William

Queen Elizabeth: Alright, well if you gonna be part of the family, you gotta know the rules.

Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, your secretary briefed me on all the royal etiquette.

Prince Philip: I’m not talking about about salad forks, love. This ain’t “The Princess Diaries.”

Queen Elizabeth: That’s right, ‘cause that movie’s crap, ain’t it?

Kate Middleton: I think it has its moments but… what rules are you talking about, Your Majesty?

Queen Elizabeth: A’ight, first off, when it comes to stuff at the palace yeah, don’t go asking questions like “Where d’you get this vase?” or “Where that throne from?”

Prince Philip: ‘Cause chances are we nicked it.

Queen Elizabeth: That’s right. Look, never forget that we are in charge here, yeah? You see that rope over there? Phil, pull the rope.

Prince Philip: Alright, the rope.

[ Prince Philip pulls the rope; the Servant enters ]

Servant: Yes, Your Majesty?

Prince Philip: Piss off!

Servant: Yes, Your Majesty.

[ Servant exits ]

Queen Elizabeth: It’s not bad, is it?

Kate Middleton: Majesty, why did you call him in just to tell him to… piss off?

Queen Elizabeth: ‘Cause we do whatever the hell we want!

Prince Philip: Yeah!

[ Prince William re-enters ]

Prince William: I’m back.

Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That was the first time I’d ever met Sir Winston Churchill.

Prince William: So sorry, Grandmama, it seems there was a bit of trouble with Prince Harry. He was over-served at a party and ended up crashing his motor car in full blackface.

Queen Elizabeth: Oh? How dreadful, but William, we we’re just getting to know dear Catherine. Leave us be for another few minutes.

Prince William: Oh Kate, Grandmama has never taken to anyone like this, what joy! I’ll be back!

Kate Middleton: Don’t…

[ Prince William exits ]

Prince Philip: Nice little bloke, isn’t he? He used to be better-looking, but still.

Kate Middleton: Your Majesties…

Queen Elizabeth: Look, drop the Majesty crap, right? Call me Debra.

Kate Middleton: Alright… Debra…

Queen Elizabeth: Well, it’s a clever girl, that’s good.

Prince Philip: When it comes to being a wife, when you’re out there waving to a parade, you be Princess Di, you be Princess Grace, but in the bedroom, think Fergie.

Kate Middleton: Oh my God, that’s horrible!

Queen Elizabeth: Well we’re horrible people, aren’t we?

Kate Middleton: Where’s William? Where’s William, I want to go! I want to get away from you!

Queen Elizabeth: No no, you can’t get away from me ‘cause I’m on the money, ain’t I? I’m on the money, I’m in your wallet. I’m in your wallet…

Kate Middleton: William!

[ Prince William re-enters ]

Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That is why we ride in a carriage.

Prince William: So sorry Grandmama, but Kate and I have to give a press conference now. Let’s go my love.

Prince Philip: Wonderful getting to know you my dear.

Queen Elizabeth: Please, please call again soon.

Kate Middleton: Goodbye Your Majes… Goodbye Debra!

[ Prince William and Kate exit ]

Queen Elizabeth: I’ll bet I’ll kick your arse, you git!

[ Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip break into a scuffle ] [ fade ]

Submitted by: Jacques

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