SNL Transcripts: Anne Hathaway: 11/20/10: Visiting the Queen


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

Visiting the Queen

Prince William…..Andy Samberg
queen Elizabeth…..Fred Armisen
Prince Philip…..Bill Hader
Kate Middleton…..Anne Hathaway
Servant…..Taran Killam

[ open on exterior, Buckingham Palace, with various superimposed newspaper headlines announcing Prince Williams engagement ] [ dissolve to interior, Queen’s parlor ]

Prince William: Hello, Grandmama. Hello, Grandpapa.

Queen Elizabeth: Hello, William.

Prince Philip: Hello, my dear boy.

Prince William: Of course, you remember my girlfriend Catherine.

Kate Middleton: It’s a pleasure to see you again, Your Majesties.

Queen Elizabeth & Prince Philip: [ bored ] Yes, quite, yes, yes…

Prince William: We wanted you to be the first to know that we are to be wed.

Queen Elizabeth: Catherine, we welcome you to our family with open heart and open hearts.

Kate Middleton: Thank you. I love your grandson very much and I’m honoured to join the Windsor family, Your Majesty.

[ Servant enters ]

Servant: Beg your pardon, Prince William, telephone call for you.

Prince William: Ah well, I’ll only be a moment; do chat until I return.

[ Prince William exits with the Servant ]

Kate Middleton: Your Majesties, William and I have been walking on air, it’s all so brilliant and exciting!

Queen Elizabeth: [ sternly ] Shut up!

Kate Middleton: [ taken aback ] What?

Queen Elizabeth: I said SHUT your mouth! [ she jumps to her feet ]

Prince Philip: What do you want?

Kate Middleton: I’m sorry Your Majesty, what do I want?

Queen Elizabeth: [ she props one leg on the chair ] Just what you want, yeh? Right, you’ve seen our set-up here and you like it, yeah little girl?

Prince Philip: [ now chewing on a toothpick ] You want a piece of our palace action, aye?

Queen Elizabeth: What, you think you can just like show up and take over yeah, do a bit of Queening in there, right?

Kate Middleton: I beg your pardon Your Majesty, but why are you two talking like that?

Prince Philip: This is how we really talk, love. Not so nice, right? But it gets the job done, don’t it?

Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, I promise I don’t want a piece of your action, I want to marry William

Queen Elizabeth: Alright, well if you gonna be part of the family, you gotta know the rules.

Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, your secretary briefed me on all the royal etiquette.

Prince Philip: I’m not talking about about salad forks, love. This ain’t “The Princess Diaries.”

Queen Elizabeth: That’s right, ‘cause that movie’s crap, ain’t it?

Kate Middleton: I think it has its moments but… what rules are you talking about, Your Majesty?

Queen Elizabeth: A’ight, first off, when it comes to stuff at the palace yeah, don’t go asking questions like “Where d’you get this vase?” or “Where that throne from?”

Prince Philip: ‘Cause chances are we nicked it.

Queen Elizabeth: That’s right. Look, never forget that we are in charge here, yeah? You see that rope over there? Phil, pull the rope.

Prince Philip: Alright, the rope.

[ Prince Philip pulls the rope; the Servant enters ]

Servant: Yes, Your Majesty?

Prince Philip: Piss off!

Servant: Yes, Your Majesty.

[ Servant exits ]

Queen Elizabeth: It’s not bad, is it?

Kate Middleton: Majesty, why did you call him in just to tell him to… piss off?

Queen Elizabeth: ‘Cause we do whatever the hell we want!

Prince Philip: Yeah!

[ Prince William re-enters ]

Prince William: I’m back.

Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That was the first time I’d ever met Sir Winston Churchill.

Prince William: So sorry, Grandmama, it seems there was a bit of trouble with Prince Harry. He was over-served at a party and ended up crashing his motor car in full blackface.

Queen Elizabeth: Oh? How dreadful, but William, we we’re just getting to know dear Catherine. Leave us be for another few minutes.

Prince William: Oh Kate, Grandmama has never taken to anyone like this, what joy! I’ll be back!

Kate Middleton: Don’t…

[ Prince William exits ]

Prince Philip: Nice little bloke, isn’t he? He used to be better-looking, but still.

Kate Middleton: Your Majesties…

Queen Elizabeth: Look, drop the Majesty crap, right? Call me Debra.

Kate Middleton: Alright… Debra…

Queen Elizabeth: Well, it’s a clever girl, that’s good.

Prince Philip: When it comes to being a wife, when you’re out there waving to a parade, you be Princess Di, you be Princess Grace, but in the bedroom, think Fergie.

Kate Middleton: Oh my God, that’s horrible!

Queen Elizabeth: Well we’re horrible people, aren’t we?

Kate Middleton: Where’s William? Where’s William, I want to go! I want to get away from you!

Queen Elizabeth: No no, you can’t get away from me ‘cause I’m on the money, ain’t I? I’m on the money, I’m in your wallet. I’m in your wallet…

Kate Middleton: William!

[ Prince William re-enters ]

Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That is why we ride in a carriage.

Prince William: So sorry Grandmama, but Kate and I have to give a press conference now. Let’s go my love.

Prince Philip: Wonderful getting to know you my dear.

Queen Elizabeth: Please, please call again soon.

Kate Middleton: Goodbye Your Majes… Goodbye Debra!

[ Prince William and Kate exit ]

Queen Elizabeth: I’ll bet I’ll kick your arse, you git!

[ Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip break into a scuffle ] [ fade ]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 3.5 / 5. Vote count: 2

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x