Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 7
Visiting the Queen
Prince William…..Andy Samberg
queen Elizabeth…..Fred Armisen
Prince Philip…..Bill Hader
Kate Middleton…..Anne Hathaway
[ open on exterior, Buckingham Palace, with various superimposed newspaper headlines announcing Prince Williams engagement ] [ dissolve to interior, Queen’s parlor ]
Prince William: Hello, Grandmama. Hello, Grandpapa.
Queen Elizabeth: Hello, William.
Prince Philip: Hello, my dear boy.
Prince William: Of course, you remember my girlfriend Catherine.
Kate Middleton: Its a pleasure to see you again, Your Majesties.
Queen Elizabeth & Prince Philip: [ bored ] Yes, quite, yes, yes…
Prince William: We wanted you to be the first to know that we are to be wed.
Queen Elizabeth: Catherine, we welcome you to our family with open heart and open hearts.
Kate Middleton: Thank you. I love your grandson very much and Im honoured to join the Windsor family, Your Majesty.
Servant: Beg your pardon, Prince William, telephone call for you.
Prince William: Ah well, Ill only be a moment; do chat until I return.[ Prince William exits with the Servant ]
Kate Middleton: Your Majesties, William and I have been walking on air, its all so brilliant and exciting!
Queen Elizabeth: [ sternly ] Shut up!
Kate Middleton: [ taken aback ] What?
Queen Elizabeth: I said SHUT your mouth! [ she jumps to her feet ]
Prince Philip: What do you want?
Kate Middleton: Im sorry Your Majesty, what do I want?
Queen Elizabeth: [ she props one leg on the chair ] Just what you want, yeh? Right, youve seen our set-up here and you like it, yeah little girl?
Prince Philip: [ now chewing on a toothpick ] You want a piece of our palace action, aye?
Queen Elizabeth: What, you think you can just like show up and take over yeah, do a bit of Queening in there, right?
Kate Middleton: I beg your pardon Your Majesty, but why are you two talking like that?
Prince Philip: This is how we really talk, love. Not so nice, right? But it gets the job done, dont it?
Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, I promise I dont want a piece of your action, I want to marry William
Queen Elizabeth: Alright, well if you gonna be part of the family, you gotta know the rules.
Kate Middleton: Your Majesty, your secretary briefed me on all the royal etiquette.
Prince Philip: Im not talking about about salad forks, love. This aint The Princess Diaries.
Queen Elizabeth: Thats right, cause that movies crap, aint it?
Kate Middleton: I think it has its moments but… what rules are you talking about, Your Majesty?
Queen Elizabeth: Aight, first off, when it comes to stuff at the palace yeah, dont go asking questions like Where dyou get this vase? or Where that throne from?
Prince Philip: Cause chances are we nicked it.
Queen Elizabeth: Thats right. Look, never forget that we are in charge here, yeah? You see that rope over there? Phil, pull the rope.
Prince Philip: Alright, the rope.[ Prince Philip pulls the rope; the Servant enters ]
Servant: Yes, Your Majesty?
Prince Philip: Piss off!
Servant: Yes, Your Majesty.[ Servant exits ]
Queen Elizabeth: Its not bad, is it?
Kate Middleton: Majesty, why did you call him in just to tell him to… piss off?
Queen Elizabeth: Cause we do whatever the hell we want!
Prince Philip: Yeah![ Prince William re-enters ]
Prince William: Im back.
Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That was the first time Id ever met Sir Winston Churchill.
Prince William: So sorry, Grandmama, it seems there was a bit of trouble with Prince Harry. He was over-served at a party and ended up crashing his motor car in full blackface.
Queen Elizabeth: Oh? How dreadful, but William, we were just getting to know dear Catherine. Leave us be for another few minutes.
Prince William: Oh Kate, Grandmama has never taken to anyone like this, what joy! Ill be back!
Kate Middleton: Dont…[ Prince William exits ]
Prince Philip: Nice little bloke, isnt he? He used to be better-looking, but still.
Kate Middleton: Your Majesties…
Queen Elizabeth: Look, drop the Majesty crap, right? Call me Debra.
Kate Middleton: Alright… Debra…
Queen Elizabeth: Well, its a clever girl, thats good.
Prince Philip: When it comes to being a wife, when youre out there waving to a parade, you be Princess Di, you be Princess Grace, but in the bedroom, think Fergie.
Kate Middleton: Oh my God, thats horrible!
Queen Elizabeth: Well were horrible people, arent we?
Kate Middleton: Wheres William? Wheres William, I want to go! I want to get away from you!
Queen Elizabeth: No no, you cant get away from me cause Im on the money, aint I? Im on the money, Im in your wallet. Im in your wallet…
Kate Middleton: William![ Prince William re-enters ]
Queen Elizabeth: [ backing off ] That is why we ride in a carriage.
Prince William: So sorry Grandmama, but Kate and I have to give a press conference now. Lets go my love.
Prince Philip: Wonderful getting to know you my dear.
Queen Elizabeth: Please, please call again soon.
Kate Middleton: Goodbye Your Majes… Goodbye Debra![ Prince William and Kate exit ]
Queen Elizabeth: Ill bet Ill kick your arse, you git![ Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip break into a scuffle ] [ fade ]
Submitted by: Jacques