Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 7
The Essentials with Robert Osborne
Robert Osborne…..Jason Sudeikis
Tin Man…..Taran Killam
Cowardly Lion…..Bill Hader
Weather Vane…..Fred Armisen
The Wizard…..Bobby Moynihan
[The narrator tells us that we are watching “Turner Classic Movies.” The show: “The Essentials with Robert Osborne.”]
Robert Osborne: Hello, I’m Robert Osborne. Welcome back to “The Essentials,” where we take a behind the scenes look at America’s greatest films. Last week, we showed you some rare footage of Bing Crosby screaming at a cleaning woman. This week, we have a real treat in store. 1939’s “Wizard of Oz” is filled with unforgettable scenes and characters. But, tonight, we take a look at the moments that ended up on the cutting room floor. Let’s watch those lost scenes now.[The music of “We’re Off to See the Wizard” begins. Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion are skipping down the yellow brick road and singing the tune.]
Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion: [singing] We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz![Suddenly there’s a rustle in the corn to the left of the group.]
Dorothy: Shhh…I hear something!
Weather Vane: Hi. How are you?
Tin Man: Well, would you look at that!
Weather Vane: What’s going on, you know, it’s weird ’cause I heard you guys goin’ down the road, and I’m thinking where are those guys going, you know? So, I figure I’d come check it out.
Scarecrow: Well, you’re an awful strange looking bird. What are those letters?
Weather Vane: Oh, I’m a weather vane. I work up on that barn up there, you know. So, when the wind blows, I go different directions, you know. [He trails off.] Where you guys goin’?
Dorothy: Why, we’re off to see the wizard.
Scarecrow: I’m going to get a brain.
Tin Man: I’m going to get a heart.
Cowardly Lion: I’m gonna get some courage so I can put ’em up, put ’em up, put ’em up!
Dorothy: [talking to the Weather Vane] And if you come with us, you can ask the wizard for something to.
Weather Vane: Oh really? I’m thinkin’. You know what I want? A new apartment. I’ve been in the same place for like four years now, yeah, I got two roommates, yeah, added to that, it’s like far from everything. I can’t buzz people in, you know, the buzzer doesn’t work; so you gotta drop the key down the window. I can’t live like that.[Music starts up.]
Dorothy: [singing] So now we all know what we want.
Scarecrow: [singing] A brain.
Tin Man: [singing] A heart.
Cowardly Lion: [singing] The nerve.
Weather Vane: [singing] Plus my own apartment.
Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion: [singing] We’re off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz!
Weather Vane: Where you guys goin’?[Cut back to Robert Osborne, sitting in his chair.]
Robert Osborne: The original script featured several scenes with the character of the Weather Vane, played by New York actor Lon Donson. [A black-and-white photo of Donson is shown, with him wearing the same black-rimmed glasses the Weather Vane was wearing.] Let’s look at another unseen treasure.[Cut back the gang staring at the Emerald City in wonderment.]
Tin Man: Oh! There it is! The Emerald City! Why, it’s just beautiful, isn’t it?!
Scarecrow: Isn’t it something, Dorothy?[Pan over to Dorothy standing with the Weather Vane.]
Weather Vane: Dorothy, so how long until we get there?
Dorothy: We’re supposed to just follow the yellow brick road.
Weather Vane: You know, I was telling the Lion just now, I say, we’re walking all day, you know, we’re not stopping to eat, and I’m starving, I’m getting dizzy. I pointed out like eight places we could stop to get something, you know what I mean?
Dorothy: Oh, we need to get there soon. My Auntie Em must be so worried about me.
Weather Vane: I’m talking! OK, so Tin Man goes ‘OK, we’ll eat when we get to Oz,’ and I go ‘I don’t know what’s going to be open, you know, and I can’t take my pills on an empty stomach.’ So….
Dorothy: I just hope…..
Weather Vane: [looking around] What are you doin’? What are you gonna sing a song? Are you gonna sing?
Dorothy: [singing] Someday, I’ll wake up from my eyes…
Weather Vane: Dorothy?…
Dorothy: [singing] …and in that land beyond the skies…
Weather Vane: Dorothy? Dorothy? Did you write this song?
Dorothy: [singing] you’ll find me!
Weather Vane: Scarecrow, did you write this? Tin Man?
Dorothy: [singing] Somewhere, over the rainbow…[Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, and Scarecrow join the two and begin to sway to the music.]
Weather Vane: This melody is so good. Do you guys know this song? I never heard it in my life.[Cut back to Robert Osborne, sitting in his chair. He pauses as the audience claps and cheers with laughter at the ridiculousness of the Weather Vane.]
Robert Osborne: If you listen closely, at the end of that scene, you can here the crew booing. Despite his unpopularity, however, director Victor Fleming shot over 400 feet of film featuring the forgotten Weather Vane.[Cut back to Oz, where the Wizard is giving the group their gifts.]
Wizard of Oz: And remember, Tin Man, a heart is not measured by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.
Weather Vane: Congratulations, that’s really nice for you.
Dorothy: [dejectedly] Oh, Wizard, I suppose there isn’t anything in that black bag for me.
Weather Vane: Hey, wait, wait…you skipped me! She’s gotta wait her turn, right, Wizard? You can’t do that!
Dorothy: But, I want to go home! To Kansas!
Weather Vane: Right, but that’s not gonna happen. You gotta stay here, you know, stay with friends until you find an apartment. You know, this guy can help you. He is….[the camera does a close-up of the Weather Vane and his goofy expression]…the WIZARD OF OZ! [The Weather Vane then gives an awkward look to the camera.] [Cut back to Robert Osborne sitting in his chair.]
Robert Osborne: Lon Donson went on to be cut from several other Hollywood classics. He had memorable deleted scenes in films like “Casablanca”….[Donson is shown in black-and-white footage wearing an officer’s uniform with a weird expression on his face]…”The Ten Commandments”…[Donson is shown, glasses and all, with an amazed look on his face as Moses hands down the Commandments……and “The Sound of Music”……[Donson is shown with his hands over his ears as the von Trapp family is singing one of their memorable tunes]..where he played a neighbor who asked the von Trapps to ‘please keep it down.’ For Turner Classic Movies, I’m Robert Osborne.[The title card (“The Essentials” with Robert Osborne) is shown again.]
Submitted by: Matt W.