Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 7
Girl #1…..Kristen Wiig
Girl #2…..Abby Elliott
Girl #3…..Nasim Pedrad
TSA Agent #1…..Kenan Thompson
TSA Agent #2…..Bill Hader
TSA Agent #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] “The following is a paid advertisement.”[ dissolve to hazy, soft-porn images of various girls ]
Girl #1: Feeling lonely this holiday season?
Girl #2: Looking for a little human interaction?
Girl #3: Do you want to feel contact in certain… “special” places?[ dissolve to three TSA agents ]
TSA Agent #1: Then why not go through security at an airport?[ dissolve to title card: “Transportation Security Administration” ]
V/O: The TSA.
TSA Agent #2: TSA agents are ready and standing by to give you a little something extra to feel thankful about this holiday season.[ the letters “T S A” scroll slowly across a black screen ]
V/O: T-S-A![ dissolve to another TSA agent ]
TSA Agent #3: What are you waiting for? [ he snaps a rubber glove onto his hand ] I want to check under your testicles!
V/O: T-S-A![ dissolve to seductive angle scrolls of the TSA agents ]
Announcer: Spending time with a TSA agent couldn’t be easier. Simply book a flight departing from any American airport. When selected for a full body scanning, say “No.” You’ll be pulled aside by a TSA agent, and that’s when the fun begins. And you never know who your agent will be.[ dissolve to tight shots of the girls ]
Girl #3: It could be me.
Girl #2: Or me.
Girl #1: Or even me.[ cut to the three TSA agents ]
TSA Agent #1: But it’s probably gonna be US! Now TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN SHOE!!!
Announcer: The TSA. It’s our business to touch yours.[ fade ]