Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 7
Anchor, Jack…..Jason Sudeikis
Herb Welch…..Bill Hader
Maria DeSalvo…..Anne Hathaway
[ open on news logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.[ dissolve to studio anchor ]
Anchor: Morning, everyone. Our top story today: Shots were fired last night outside a midtown convenience store, and residents of a 50th Street apartment bilding saw the entire incident. Our own veteran reporter, Herb Welch, is on the scene. And, today he’s celebrating his 60th year in broadcasting.[ dissolve to Herb Welch on the scene ]
Herb Welch: [ barely conscious ] …Hello, Jack.
Anchor: Hello, Herb — and congratulations! Now, tell us — what’s happening down there?
Herb Welch: I’m here with Maria De — De — Sylvia.
Maria DeSalvo: DeSalvo!
Herb Welch: What?
Maria DeSalvo: Maria De. Salv. O.
Herb Welch: [ he sighs ] Well, I don’t know. Why — why don’t you tell me what happened? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]
Maria DeSalvo: Uh — well, I heard some shooting outside, and, uh, the kids were looking out the windows, so I told them, you know, “Get down!”
Herb Welch: Do you have any, uh, fun plans for, uh, for Turkey Day? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]
Maria DeSalvo: Uh — what?!
Herb Welch: You gonna cook a bird, or, I don’t know, some yams or something?
Maria DeSalvo: Well — [ she flinches in prepration for Herb’s microphone whack ] We go to my Mother’s.
Herb Welch: So there you have it. Back to YOU, Jack!
Anchor: Okay, now, now, now wait a minute, Herb. Why don’t we ask her a little more about the robbery? Like, what time was it?
Herb Welch: What’s that?
Anchor: What TIME was it?
Herb Welch: Oh. Uh — uh — uh — What time is it? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]
Maria DeSalvo: Oh! It’s, like… 10 a.m.
Herb Welch: 10 a.m., Jack. You ought to wear a WATCH! When I was an anchor, I always wore a watch!
Anchor: No, Herb — ask her what time she heard the shots!
Herb Welch: Alright. Well, uh, what time did you hear the shots?
Maria DeSalvo: I think it was around 8:30, but — [ Herb thrusts the microphone upward to hit her in the nose, then thumps it on her nose a few times ] No. [ thump ] My — [ thump ] kid — [ thump ] my kid saw everything! Everything!
Herb Welch: Thank you. Take it awaaaaaay, Jack!
Anchor: No, Herb! Herb! It sounds — it sounds like the children may have seen the shooting. Okay? Why don’t we talk to one of them Herb?
Herb Welch: [ shaking his fingers at the camera ] You call me “Mr. Welch!”
Anchor: [ incredulous ] Alright. Alright, Mr. Welch. Ask who SAW the SHOOTING!
Herb Welch: Alright, now. Uh — uh — uh — uh, who saw the shooting?[ he psyche-thumps the microphone at her a few times ]
Maria DeSalvo: My boy — Ricky! Ricky. [ she points off-screen ]
Herb Welch: Uh — [ he turns around ] Come here. [ he pulls Ricky into frame ] I got him. Now — now — now, what do you want me to do?
Anchor: [ shaking his head ] Ask him what he saw.
Herb Welch: Alright. What did you see? [ he thrusts the microphone against Ricky’s nose ]
Ricky: I saw two guys come runnin’ out of the store, and they jumped into a red car.
Herb Welch: Who’s your favorite baseball player?
Ricky: Uh — what? [ Herb whacks Ricky in the nose with his microphone ] What are you talking — ?[ Ricky’s sister steps forward ]
Sister: They didn’t jump in a car — they jumped in a van?
Herb Welch: Who are you? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]
Sister: I’m his sister.[ Herb repeatedly thumps each kid as they argue during their turn ]
Ricky: Stupid! It was a CAR!
Sister: It was a VAN! You don’t remember!
Ricky: Yeah, I DO!
Sister: No — Ow! Hey![ Herb begins to manaically whack each kid with the microphone as their argument escalates ]
Anchor: Herb! Herb! HERB!! Herb, quit hitting them with the microphone!! [ Herb doesn’t stop ] Herb, this is ridiculous!! STOP IT!!!
Herb Welch: What, what?
Anchor: STOP IT!!!
Herb Welch: Hey! I’m not gonna take reporting lessons from some haircut!
Anchor: Oh? Well, maybe you should, because you’re a lousy reporter.[ Maria runs into frame ]
Maria DeSalvo: Hey… hey! Excuse me, Jack! With all due respect, uh, I don’t think you should yell at Mr. Welch so much. He’s just a little confused, alright?
Herb Welch: That’s right…
Maria DeSalvo: There’s a lot of different apartments before we found him in the hall, but, considering how old he is… he’s doing a pretty good job.
Herb Welch: This broadcast, by the way, is brought to you by Kale’s Brill Creme!
Anchor: [ shaking his head ] No, it’s NOT!
Herb Welch: Son of a bitch![ Herb begins to pelt the camera with his microphone ]
Anchor: Okay. Okay. Okay, Herb! Alright, this was a BIG mistake! Alright, we apologize to you at home. We’ll follow up on that story later. Coming up: Some local residents are up in arms about asbestos found in their building. [ a paper is handed to him ] Oh, and some… sad news — we’ve jsut received word that veteran reporter, Herb Welch… died five seconds ago.[ cut to Herb sitting dead on a couch with Maria DeSalvo, with SUPER: “HERB WELCH, 1920-2010” ] [ suddenly, Herb rises and begins to pelt the camera with his microphone ]
Herb Welch: I’m not dead, you bastards![ cut to news logo ] [ fade ]