SNL Transcripts: Anne Hathaway: 11/20/10: WXPD News


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 7

10g: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine


Anchor, Jack…..Jason Sudeikis
Herb Welch…..Bill Hader
Maria DeSalvo…..Anne Hathaway
Ricky…..Paul Brittain
Sister…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on news logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ dissolve to studio anchor ]

Anchor: Morning, everyone. Our top story today: Shots were fired last night outside a midtown convenience store, and residents of a 50th Street apartment bilding saw the entire incident. Our own veteran reporter, Herb Welch, is on the scene. And, today he’s celebrating his 60th year in broadcasting.

[ dissolve to Herb Welch on the scene ]

Herb Welch: [ barely conscious ] …Hello, Jack.

Anchor: Hello, Herb — and congratulations! Now, tell us — what’s happening down there?

Herb Welch: I’m here with Maria De — De — Sylvia.

Maria DeSalvo: DeSalvo!

Herb Welch: What?

Maria DeSalvo: Maria De. Salv. O.

Herb Welch: [ he sighs ] Well, I don’t know. Why — why don’t you tell me what happened? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Uh — well, I heard some shooting outside, and, uh, the kids were looking out the windows, so I told them, you know, “Get down!”

Herb Welch: Do you have any, uh, fun plans for, uh, for Turkey Day? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Uh — what?!

Herb Welch: You gonna cook a bird, or, I don’t know, some yams or something?

Maria DeSalvo: Well — [ she flinches in prepration for Herb’s microphone whack ] We go to my Mother’s.

Herb Welch: So there you have it. Back to YOU, Jack!

Anchor: Okay, now, now, now wait a minute, Herb. Why don’t we ask her a little more about the robbery? Like, what time was it?

Herb Welch: What’s that?

Anchor: What TIME was it?

Herb Welch: Oh. Uh — uh — uh — What time is it? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Maria DeSalvo: Oh! It’s, like… 10 a.m.

Herb Welch: 10 a.m., Jack. You ought to wear a WATCH! When I was an anchor, I always wore a watch!

Anchor: No, Herb — ask her what time she heard the shots!

Herb Welch: Alright. Well, uh, what time did you hear the shots?

[ he thrusts the microphone toward her nose, but she ducks out of the way ]

Maria DeSalvo: I think it was around 8:30, but — [ Herb thrusts the microphone upward to hit her in the nose, then thumps it on her nose a few times ] No. [ thump ] My — [ thump ] kid — [ thump ] my kid saw everything! Everything!

Herb Welch: Thank you. Take it awaaaaaay, Jack!

Anchor: No, Herb! Herb! It sounds — it sounds like the children may have seen the shooting. Okay? Why don’t we talk to one of them Herb?

Herb Welch: [ shaking his fingers at the camera ] You call me “Mr. Welch!”

Anchor: [ incredulous ] Alright. Alright, Mr. Welch. Ask who SAW the SHOOTING!

Herb Welch: Alright, now. Uh — uh — uh — uh, who saw the shooting?

[ he psyche-thumps the microphone at her a few times ]

Maria DeSalvo: My boy — Ricky! Ricky. [ she points off-screen ]

Herb Welch: Uh — [ he turns around ] Come here. [ he pulls Ricky into frame ] I got him. Now — now — now, what do you want me to do?

Anchor: [ shaking his head ] Ask him what he saw.

Herb Welch: Alright. What did you see? [ he thrusts the microphone against Ricky’s nose ]

Ricky: I saw two guys come runnin’ out of the store, and they jumped into a red car.

Herb Welch: Who’s your favorite baseball player?

Ricky: Uh — what? [ Herb whacks Ricky in the nose with his microphone ] What are you talking — ?

[ Ricky’s sister steps forward ]

Sister: They didn’t jump in a car — they jumped in a van?

Herb Welch: Who are you? [ he thrusts the microphone against her nose ]

Sister: I’m his sister.

[ Herb repeatedly thumps each kid as they argue during their turn ]

Ricky: Stupid! It was a CAR!

Sister: It was a VAN! You don’t remember!

Ricky: Yeah, I DO!

Sister: No — Ow! Hey!

[ Herb begins to manaically whack each kid with the microphone as their argument escalates ]

Anchor: Herb! Herb! HERB!! Herb, quit hitting them with the microphone!! [ Herb doesn’t stop ] Herb, this is ridiculous!! STOP IT!!!

Herb Welch: What, what?

Anchor: STOP IT!!!

Herb Welch: Hey! I’m not gonna take reporting lessons from some haircut!

Anchor: Oh? Well, maybe you should, because you’re a lousy reporter.

[ Maria runs into frame ]

Maria DeSalvo: Hey… hey! Excuse me, Jack! With all due respect, uh, I don’t think you should yell at Mr. Welch so much. He’s just a little confused, alright?

Herb Welch: That’s right…

Maria DeSalvo: There’s a lot of different apartments before we found him in the hall, but, considering how old he is… he’s doing a pretty good job.

Herb Welch: This broadcast, by the way, is brought to you by Kale’s Brill Creme!

Anchor: [ shaking his head ] No, it’s NOT!

Herb Welch: Son of a bitch!

[ Herb begins to pelt the camera with his microphone ]

Anchor: Okay. Okay. Okay, Herb! Alright, this was a BIG mistake! Alright, we apologize to you at home. We’ll follow up on that story later. Coming up: Some local residents are up in arms about asbestos found in their building. [ a paper is handed to him ] Oh, and some… sad news — we’ve jsut received word that veteran reporter, Herb Welch… died five seconds ago.

[ cut to Herb sitting dead on a couch with Maria DeSalvo, with SUPER: “HERB WELCH, 1920-2010” ] [ suddenly, Herb rises and begins to pelt the camera with his microphone ]

Herb Welch: I’m not dead, you bastards!

[ cut to news logo ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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