Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 8
10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money
Blizzard Man
Female Studio Exec……Kristen Wiig
Male Studio Exec…..Jason Sudeikis
Himself…..Sean “Diddy” Combs
Studio Engineer…..Kenan Thompson
Blizzard Man…..Andy Samberg
Mrs. Blizzard…..Robert DeNiro
[FADE IN on the exterior of Superhits Studios. FADE inside to the recording studio, where Sean “Diddy” Combs stands behind the engineer and two execs stand across the room.]
Female Studio Exec: Alright Diddy, youre a week past deadline on this album. I hope you have some good stuff to show us.
Diddy: Dont worry about it. I got this guy thats comin in thats crazy; hes the hottest hook guy in the business.
Male Studio Exec: Oh yeah? Whos that, Trey Songz?
Diddy: Better.
Female Studio Exec: Bruno Mars?
Diddy: No. Blizzard Man.
Studio Engineer: Oh, the Blizzard Man. Yeah, Ive heard of him; legend has it hes a hip hop hermit.
[The door buzzer goes off]
Diddy: That must be him right there.
[He walks to the door as it opens up. Enter Blizzard Man, a white guy with blow-dry hair in a multicolored jacket. They exchange a hip-hop handshake and hug.]
Blizzard Man: Yo.
Diddy: Blizzy Blaze, my man!
Blizzard Man: What it do?
Diddy: You ready to do this?
Blizzard Man: Wiggity word!
[Blizzard Man removes his jacket, drops it on the floor, and enters the recording booth.]
Diddy: Okay, lets go
Studio Engineer: [looking a bit confused] So, uh, thats the Blizzard Man?
Diddy: Yeah, its the Blizzard Man. Check this, man; dont judge a book by its cover. My man is like R. Kelly, Erykah Badu, Kate Hudson all rolled into one.
[Both studio execs nod their heads.]
Male Studio Exec: Mmm-hmm. [smiling] Now youre speakin my language, Diddy.
Diddy: [bends over toward the microphone] Aight, Blizz; Im gonna let the beat rock, and you just do your thing baby. Lets go!
Blizzard Man: Holla back.
[A hip-hop track starts playing as Blizzard Man starts rocking to the beat.]
Blizzard Man: Yo, Im bout to set it! Its your boy Young Blizz! Im a just do me! Check my style out!
[As the beat keeps going, Blizzard Man launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]
Blizzard Man: Rap song, rap song, rap is the fad that the kids all dig! Fancy duds are what we sport, and when the ladies shake the leg we peek at their buns! Yo, where Brooklyn at? [crosses his arms with a smug look on his face]
Diddy: Woooo! [pumps his fist in the air.] Black class, black fire! Brooklyns in the house! I told yall, thats my man! Hes crazy!
Studio Engineer: [confused, disgusted look on his face] What? That was awful!
Male Studio Exec: Yeah, yeah.
Female Studio Exec: Yeah that was…that sucked.
Male Studio Exec: It was bad. It sucked bad.
Diddy: Yall just hatin. That kid in there, hes the truth.
[The door buzzer goes off again]
Studio Engineer: Well, who is that?
Blizzard Man: Yo, thats my Momz.
[The door opens. Enter Mrs. Blizzard an older woman with a horrendous multicolored shirt, stretch pants, pink shades, and a large gold chain around her neck.]
Mrs. Blizzard: Whats up, snitches?
Diddy: [checking her out] Its indeed a pleasure to meet you. [kisses her hand and continues to admire her]
Mrs. Blizzard: Oh Diddis, you know a bitch gotta stay dipped!
Diddy: Indeed.
Studio Engineer: [looking very confused] Whaaaat?!
Diddy: Alright, lets get back to makin this smash. [bends over toward the microphone] Hey Blizzy Rock, lets hit it one more time baby!
[The hip-hop track starts playing once again as Blizzard Man moves to the beat.]
Blizzard Man: Yo! Uh! Streets want it! Another bad creation! You crazy for this one, MC Scat Cat? Check my style out!
[The beat keeps going, and Blizzard Man once again launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]
Blizzard Man: The city is spooky, but were not scared. We hang on the stoop and razz the cops. Then we stuff socks down the front of our jeans, and the gals see the bulge and they think its our wang! Yo! No homo. [crosses his arms with a smug look on his face]
Diddy: Woooo!
Studio Engineer: [looking thoroughly agitated] NO!
Diddy: What you talking bout? My boy just killed it in there!
Mrs. Blizzard: Yeah, dont front on Blitz. Hes…hes spittin hot fire!
Diddy: [turns to Mrs. Blizzard and checks her out once again] No, girl, you the one thats hot fire. You wasnt my mans mom, Id tear that ass up.
Mrs. Blizzard: Thank you! [turns around and grinds against Diddy with her rear-end]
[The male studio exec cant believe what hes hearing / seeing.]
Female Studio Exec: Ummm, you must be really proud of your son?
Mrs. Blizzard: Oh yes indeed. Hes a roughneck who gets his thug on, and he looks like a young Denzel.
[CUT to Blizzard Man in the booth; he has a moronic, blank stare on his face and his mouth hangs open.]
Studio Engineer: Man, he looks like hes going to the bathroom!
Diddy: Alright alright, one more time. [bends towards the microphone] Blizz Nasty, come on, I want you to really put it on em this time. Lets go!
[Hip-hop track resumes]
Blizzard Man: Yo! Bad boy is in the buildin! We run New York! Diddy and Blizzy! Nineteen ninety FORK!
Studio Engineer: [to Diddy] Ninety fork?
Blizzard Man: Yo, parents dont understand! Hungry like the wolf! Check my style out!
[Blizzard Man once again launches into his terrible, off-beat / off-key rap. As he raps, the camera CUTS to the studio execs and the engineer all with horrified looks on their faces.]
Blizzard Man: New York is a heck of a town. We all talk funny cuz were from the streets. We shoot the crud and drink malted beers, and wear novelty chains of enormous size. This song needed pizzazz; Im makin it cook with my velvety pipes.
[Diddy and Mrs. Blizzard begin dancing; bumping and grinding to the music.]
Blizzard Man: The glare from our diamonds are so dang bright that I lose my stomach and barf on the stool. Doop doop doobidy doop boop a doop…
Male Studio Exec: Well congratulations, Diddy. I think you got yourself another hit.
Diddy: As I told yall, we going straight to the top with this one baby. Yeeah!
[FADE to a Daily Press newspaper headline which reads, “NEW DIDDY SONGS HITS #1: BLIZZARD MANS MOM TO APPEAR ON THE COVER OF KING MAGAZINE.” HOLD on the chart for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Nick F.
