SNL Transcripts: Robert DeNiro: 12/04/10: Little Fockers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Little Fockers

Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Denise…..Nasim Pedrad
Keith…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Robert DeNiro
Schedule Boy…..Paul Brittan
Pat…..Bill Hader
…..Ben Stiller

[ open on exterior, Stage 18 ]

[ dissolve to interior stage ]

Director: Well, that’s a wrap for the day. Nice work, everyone. “Little Fockers” is going to be great.

[ the crew disperses ]

Denise: Hey, James.

Director: Hey, Denise. How you doing?

Denise: Well, remember when I told you about my thirteen-year old nephew Keith?

Director: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s a big fan, right?

Denise: He LOVED “Meet the Parents”, he LOVED “Meet the Fockers” — he’s OBSESSED! [ she laughs ] Would it be okay if I showed him around?

Director: Yeah, of course! Where is he?

Denise: Oh…

[ she looks around to see Keith shyly peeking out from behind a side wall ]

Denise: He’s a little shy! Come on!

Director: Hey, it’s okay, buddy. Come on out.

Keith: It’s okay?

Director: Yeah.

Keith: It’s okay?

Denise: It’s okay, Sweetie. Come on!

[ Keith shyly steps further onto the stage ]

Keith: Wow! [ he laughs ] This is where they’re making “Little Fockers”!

Director: Yeah, that’s right, kiddo. Hey, check it out! This right here? This is the camera.

Keith: WHAT?!! [ he laughs ] The REAL one?!

Director: Yeah, yeah. Go ahead — look through it.

Keith: [ peeking through the lens ] WOOOWWW!!

Director: Pretty cool, huh?

Keith: Wow!

[ Charles the Caterer enters ]

Director: And, hey — Charles! This is Charles right here. [ Charles steps forward ] Charles runs craft services for us. Charles is in charge of all the food on the set.

Keith: [ amazed ] REALLY?!! On the REAL “Fockers” set?!

Charles: Yeah, that’s right. Here — help yourself to some candy, little man.

Keith: WHAT?!! HA HA HA HA!! NO WAY!! [ he digs in ]

[ Charles high-fives Keith ]

Keith: Wow!

[ Robert DeNiro enters ]

Robert DeNiro: Ah! I hear we have a special visitor on the set.

Denise: Oooooh! Honey! Honey, you really lucked out! Look who’s here! It’s Robert DeNiro!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, kid!

Keith: [ calmly, uninterested ] Hello.

Robert DeNiro: I hear — I hear you’re a big “Fockers” fan!

Keith: [ nodding silently ] Yeah… yeah, I am.

Robert DeNiro: [ taken aback ] Well, you don’t seem…

Keith: [ shaking his head ] What? I-I don’t seem what?

Robert DeNiro: Nothing. Forget it.

Keith: [ shrugs ] Okay.

[ the Schedule Boy enters ]

Schedule Boy: Hey, everyone. I’ve got tomorrow’s schedule.

Keith: [ excited ] WHAT?!! The REAL one?!!

Schedule Boy: Yeah. You want a copy?

Keith: Oh, to KEEP?!!

Schedule Boy: Yeah.

Keith: OH!! It’s okay?!!

Denise: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keith, calm down, Sweetie. [ to DeNiro ] I’m sorry — he’s just really into movies and movie culture.

Robert DeNiro: Oh, is that so?

Keith: [ calmly ] Yes, it is.

[ DeNiro and Keith stare each other down viciously ]

[ Pat enters ]

Denise: Oh! And, honey, look — it’s Pat! He takes care of all the make-up!

Keith: WHAAATT?!! ALL OF IT?!!

Pat: [ feyly ] Actually, I just take it off!

Keith: [ laughing excitedly ] But, STILL!!

Robert DeNiro: Come on! You’re impressed by Pat?!

Pat: HEY!!

Robert DeNiro: His whole job is to make ME look good.

Keith: Well… where was he when you made “Analyze That”?

[ crew members stand silent, hoping the moment will pass ]

[ DeNiro and Keith stare each other down viciously again ]

Denise: I’m… so sorry, Mr. DeNiro. He’s a HUGE movie fan. He’s just not really interested in actors.

[ suddenly, Ben Stiller enters ]

Ben Stiller: Hey! Who’s this?

Keith: OH, MY GOD!! BEN STILLER!! AAGGGHHH!! [ he runs up to Stiller, pushing DeNiro aside ] Get out of the way! [ hugging Stiller ] I LOVE your movies!

Ben Stiller: Oh, thanks, man!

Robert DeNiro: Alright. Okay, okay, okay. ‘Cause of all our kids’ movies, yeah.

Ben Stiller: Which one’s your favorite?

Keith: “Permanent Midnight”. [ to DeNiro ] Now, THAT’S how you do Drama.

[ Stiller smiles smugly as DeNiro fumes ]

Denise: Well, we should go!

Robert DeNiro: Wait, wait! Don’t leave. I’ll do some lines from the movie for you. I’ll even do some of Ben’s lines!

Director: No, hey, come on, dude. [ DeNiro resists ] You’re an icon, you don’t need to do this.

Robert DeNiro: What? Give me a chance. Come on!

Ben Stiller: Let it go, man. Seriously, let it go.

Denise: Sweetie, let’s take a picture with everyone!

Keith: [ excited ] It’s okay?! Wowwww! [ he wraps his arm around Stiller, then pushes his copy of the schedule in front of DeNiro’s face ]

Denise: Cheese!

Keith: Cheeeeeese!

[ the picture is snapped and revealed as a still image ]

[ pull back on the stage shot, then pan over to the SNL House Band ]

[ fade ]

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