SNL Transcripts: Robert DeNiro: 12/04/10: Little Fockers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Little Fockers

Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Denise…..Nasim Pedrad
Keith…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Robert DeNiro
Schedule Boy…..Paul Brittan
Pat…..Bill Hader
…..Ben Stiller

[ open on exterior, Stage 18 ]

[ dissolve to interior stage ]

Director: Well, that’s a wrap for the day. Nice work, everyone. “Little Fockers” is going to be great.

[ the crew disperses ]

Denise: Hey, James.

Director: Hey, Denise. How you doing?

Denise: Well, remember when I told you about my thirteen-year old nephew Keith?

Director: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s a big fan, right?

Denise: He LOVED “Meet the Parents”, he LOVED “Meet the Fockers” — he’s OBSESSED! [ she laughs ] Would it be okay if I showed him around?

Director: Yeah, of course! Where is he?

Denise: Oh…

[ she looks around to see Keith shyly peeking out from behind a side wall ]

Denise: He’s a little shy! Come on!

Director: Hey, it’s okay, buddy. Come on out.

Keith: It’s okay?

Director: Yeah.

Keith: It’s okay?

Denise: It’s okay, Sweetie. Come on!

[ Keith shyly steps further onto the stage ]

Keith: Wow! [ he laughs ] This is where they’re making “Little Fockers”!

Director: Yeah, that’s right, kiddo. Hey, check it out! This right here? This is the camera.

Keith: WHAT?!! [ he laughs ] The REAL one?!

Director: Yeah, yeah. Go ahead — look through it.

Keith: [ peeking through the lens ] WOOOWWW!!

Director: Pretty cool, huh?

Keith: Wow!

[ Charles the Caterer enters ]

Director: And, hey — Charles! This is Charles right here. [ Charles steps forward ] Charles runs craft services for us. Charles is in charge of all the food on the set.

Keith: [ amazed ] REALLY?!! On the REAL “Fockers” set?!

Charles: Yeah, that’s right. Here — help yourself to some candy, little man.

Keith: WHAT?!! HA HA HA HA!! NO WAY!! [ he digs in ]

[ Charles high-fives Keith ]

Keith: Wow!

[ Robert DeNiro enters ]

Robert DeNiro: Ah! I hear we have a special visitor on the set.

Denise: Oooooh! Honey! Honey, you really lucked out! Look who’s here! It’s Robert DeNiro!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, kid!

Keith: [ calmly, uninterested ] Hello.

Robert DeNiro: I hear — I hear you’re a big “Fockers” fan!

Keith: [ nodding silently ] Yeah… yeah, I am.

Robert DeNiro: [ taken aback ] Well, you don’t seem…

Keith: [ shaking his head ] What? I-I don’t seem what?

Robert DeNiro: Nothing. Forget it.

Keith: [ shrugs ] Okay.

[ the Schedule Boy enters ]

Schedule Boy: Hey, everyone. I’ve got tomorrow’s schedule.

Keith: [ excited ] WHAT?!! The REAL one?!!

Schedule Boy: Yeah. You want a copy?

Keith: Oh, to KEEP?!!

Schedule Boy: Yeah.

Keith: OH!! It’s okay?!!

Denise: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keith, calm down, Sweetie. [ to DeNiro ] I’m sorry — he’s just really into movies and movie culture.

Robert DeNiro: Oh, is that so?

Keith: [ calmly ] Yes, it is.

[ DeNiro and Keith stare each other down viciously ]

[ Pat enters ]

Denise: Oh! And, honey, look — it’s Pat! He takes care of all the make-up!

Keith: WHAAATT?!! ALL OF IT?!!

Pat: [ feyly ] Actually, I just take it off!

Keith: [ laughing excitedly ] But, STILL!!

Robert DeNiro: Come on! You’re impressed by Pat?!

Pat: HEY!!

Robert DeNiro: His whole job is to make ME look good.

Keith: Well… where was he when you made “Analyze That”?

[ crew members stand silent, hoping the moment will pass ]

[ DeNiro and Keith stare each other down viciously again ]

Denise: I’m… so sorry, Mr. DeNiro. He’s a HUGE movie fan. He’s just not really interested in actors.

[ suddenly, Ben Stiller enters ]

Ben Stiller: Hey! Who’s this?

Keith: OH, MY GOD!! BEN STILLER!! AAGGGHHH!! [ he runs up to Stiller, pushing DeNiro aside ] Get out of the way! [ hugging Stiller ] I LOVE your movies!

Ben Stiller: Oh, thanks, man!

Robert DeNiro: Alright. Okay, okay, okay. ‘Cause of all our kids’ movies, yeah.

Ben Stiller: Which one’s your favorite?

Keith: “Permanent Midnight”. [ to DeNiro ] Now, THAT’S how you do Drama.

[ Stiller smiles smugly as DeNiro fumes ]

Denise: Well, we should go!

Robert DeNiro: Wait, wait! Don’t leave. I’ll do some lines from the movie for you. I’ll even do some of Ben’s lines!

Director: No, hey, come on, dude. [ DeNiro resists ] You’re an icon, you don’t need to do this.

Robert DeNiro: What? Give me a chance. Come on!

Ben Stiller: Let it go, man. Seriously, let it go.

Denise: Sweetie, let’s take a picture with everyone!

Keith: [ excited ] It’s okay?! Wowwww! [ he wraps his arm around Stiller, then pushes his copy of the schedule in front of DeNiro’s face ]

Denise: Cheese!

Keith: Cheeeeeese!

[ the picture is snapped and revealed as a still image ]

[ pull back on the stage shot, then pan over to the SNL House Band ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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