Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 8
Schedule Boy…..Paul Brittan
[ open on exterior, Stage 18 ]
[ dissolve to interior stage ]
Director: Well, that’s a wrap for the day. Nice work, everyone. “Little Fockers” is going to be great.
[ the crew disperses ]
Denise: Hey, James.
Director: Hey, Denise. How you doing?
Denise: Well, remember when I told you about my thirteen-year old nephew Keith?
Director: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s a big fan, right?
Denise: He LOVED “Meet the Parents”, he LOVED “Meet the Fockers” — he’s OBSESSED! [ she laughs ] Would it be okay if I showed him around?
Director: Yeah, of course! Where is he?
[ she looks around to see Keith shyly peeking out from behind a side wall ]
Denise: He’s a little shy! Come on!
Director: Hey, it’s okay, buddy. Come on out.
Keith: It’s okay?
Keith: It’s okay?
Denise: It’s okay, Sweetie. Come on!
[ Keith shyly steps further onto the stage ]
Keith: Wow! [ he laughs ] This is where they’re making “Little Fockers”!
Director: Yeah, that’s right, kiddo. Hey, check it out! This right here? This is the camera.
Keith: WHAT?!! [ he laughs ] The REAL one?!
Director: Yeah, yeah. Go ahead — look through it.
Keith: [ peeking through the lens ] WOOOWWW!!
Director: Pretty cool, huh?
[ Charles the Caterer enters ]
Director: And, hey — Charles! This is Charles right here. [ Charles steps forward ] Charles runs craft services for us. Charles is in charge of all the food on the set.
Keith: [ amazed ] REALLY?!! On the REAL “Fockers” set?!
Charles: Yeah, that’s right. Here — help yourself to some candy, little man.
Keith: WHAT?!! HA HA HA HA!! NO WAY!! [ he digs in ]
[ Charles high-fives Keith ]
[ Robert DeNiro enters ]
Robert DeNiro: Ah! I hear we have a special visitor on the set.
Denise: Oooooh! Honey! Honey, you really lucked out! Look who’s here! It’s Robert DeNiro!
Robert DeNiro: Hey, kid!
Keith: [ calmly, uninterested ] Hello.
Robert DeNiro: I hear — I hear you’re a big “Fockers” fan!
Keith: [ nodding silently ] Yeah… yeah, I am.
Robert DeNiro: [ taken aback ] Well, you don’t seem…
Keith: [ shaking his head ] What? I-I don’t seem what?
Robert DeNiro: Nothing. Forget it.
Keith: [ shrugs ] Okay.
[ the Schedule Boy enters ]
Schedule Boy: Hey, everyone. I’ve got tomorrow’s schedule.
Keith: [ excited ] WHAT?!! The REAL one?!!
Schedule Boy: Yeah. You want a copy?
Keith: Oh, to KEEP?!!
Schedule Boy: Yeah.
Keith: OH!! It’s okay?!!
Denise: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keith, calm down, Sweetie. [ to DeNiro ] I’m sorry — he’s just really into movies and movie culture.
Robert DeNiro: Oh, is that so?
Keith: [ calmly ] Yes, it is.
[ DeNiro and Keith stare each other down viciously ]
[ Pat enters ]
Denise: Oh! And, honey, look — it’s Pat! He takes care of all the make-up!
Keith: WHAAATT?!! ALL OF IT?!!
Pat: [ feyly ] Actually, I just take it off!
Keith: [ laughing excitedly ] But, STILL!!
Robert DeNiro: Come on! You’re impressed by Pat?!
Robert DeNiro: His whole job is to make ME look good.
Keith: Well… where was he when you made “Analyze That”?
[ crew members stand silent, hoping the moment will pass ]
[ DeNiro and Keith stare each other down viciously again ]
Denise: I’m… so sorry, Mr. DeNiro. He’s a HUGE movie fan. He’s just not really interested in actors.
[ suddenly, Ben Stiller enters ]
Ben Stiller: Hey! Who’s this?
Keith: OH, MY GOD!! BEN STILLER!! AAGGGHHH!! [ he runs up to Stiller, pushing DeNiro aside ] Get out of the way! [ hugging Stiller ] I LOVE your movies!
Ben Stiller: Oh, thanks, man!
Robert DeNiro: Alright. Okay, okay, okay. ‘Cause of all our kids’ movies, yeah.
Ben Stiller: Which one’s your favorite?
Keith: “Permanent Midnight”. [ to DeNiro ] Now, THAT’S how you do Drama.
[ Stiller smiles smugly as DeNiro fumes ]
Denise: Well, we should go!
Robert DeNiro: Wait, wait! Don’t leave. I’ll do some lines from the movie for you. I’ll even do some of Ben’s lines!
Director: No, hey, come on, dude. [ DeNiro resists ] You’re an icon, you don’t need to do this.
Robert DeNiro: What? Give me a chance. Come on!
Ben Stiller: Let it go, man. Seriously, let it go.
Denise: Sweetie, let’s take a picture with everyone!
Keith: [ excited ] It’s okay?! Wowwww! [ he wraps his arm around Stiller, then pushes his copy of the schedule in front of DeNiro’s face ]
[ the picture is snapped and revealed as a still image ]
[ pull back on the stage shot, then pan over to the SNL House Band ]
[ fade ]