Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 8
10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money
It’s a Living
Calvin…..Andy Samberg
Tristan…..Jason Sudeikis
Bartender…..Taran Killan
Drifter #1…..Robert DeNiro
Drifter #2…..Ben Stiller
[ open on exterior, Mullins Bar ]
[ dissolve to interior, as Calvin and Tristan step up to the bar ]
Calvin: Agh! That was the most stressful day of my life, man!
Tristan: Yeah. It sounds like it. Well, uh, the first one’s on me, alright?
Calvin: Alright. [ to the bartender ] Excuse me? Bartender?
[ the Bartender extends a passing glance, then completely rebuffs him ]
Tristan: Oh! The bartenders here are the WORST.
Calvin: Yeah. This always happens, you know? Like, who do I have to screw to get a drink around here?
[ Drifter #1 ambles forward ]
Drifter #1: Me.
Calvin: I’m sorry… what?
Drifter #1: You asked: “Who do I have to screw to get a drink?” The answer is ME!
Tristan: Yeah, but — [ he laughs ] That’s just a figure of speech! Right?
Drifter #1: No! It’s not.
Calvin: [ he shrugs ] Man… this is gonna SUCK!
Tristan: Wait — no! Calvin! You’re not actually considering doing this?
Calvin: I really want a drink, man!
Tristan: WHAT?! Will you LOOK at him?!
Calvin: What? He’s not all that bad. I mean… he kind of looks like Gandolf.
Tristan: Yeah — no! I-I-I can SEE that, but you can NOT do this!
Calvin: Hey, Tristan? You’re acting like a real SQUARE! Now, SAVE my spot, ’cause I’m about to go score a drink!
[ Calvin takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]
[ SUPER: “7 HOURS LATER” ]
[ Calvin emerges weak-kneed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a beer ]
Tristan: Well?
Calvin: NOT worth it!
Tristan: Yeah. Alright.
[ the Drifter ambles forward ]
Drifter #1: Hey, sport, look — sorry it took so long in there.
Calvin: Yeah…
Drifter #1: It’s just, uh, that I find you SO unattractive. It took me while to, you know, “get” there. But, you gotta admit, when I got there… I really GOT there!
Calvin: Yeah. Thank you.
Drifter #1: [ he looks at Tristan ] Hey, there. Sport! You thirsty?
Tristan: No. I’m good. Thank you, though.
Drifter #1: You sure? How about just a shot of something?
Tristan: [ trying to resist ] Aw, dammit! …DAMMIT! It HAS been a stressful day. Just a shot?
Drifter #1: Just a shot.
Tristan: Alright, let’s go.
[ the Drifter offers his hand ]
Tristan: Aw, that’s nice!
[ Tristan takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]
[ SUPER: “6 1/2 HOURS LATER” ]
[ Tristan emerges dazed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a shot ]
Calvin: So?
Tristan: [ chugs his shot ] It was BAD! Not a fun time. No, it was HORRIBLE!
[ the Drifter ambles forward ]
Drifter #1: Hey, Sport.
Tristan: Ah, hey.
Drifter #1: I — I-I — I gotta apologize. I took forever in there. Both of you guys are just CRAP ugly!
Tristan: Okay, yeah! I’d rather not talk about it.
Drifter #1: Hey, what’s with the attitude? I’m just doing my thing.
Calvin: No, buddy, it’s not even really you.
Tristan: Yeah. No, the real problem is your friend back there.
[ a second drifter emerges from the broom closet ]
Drifter #2: Hey, guys. Ready for Round Two?
Calvin: The guy’s INSATIABLE!
Drifter #2: That was a nice little rehearsal, but I think we need to bump it UP a notch. [ he rubs his goatee ] I’m gonna need WAY more eye contact!
[ Calvin and Tristan think it over ]
Calvin: Well… he does have really nice eyes.
Tristan: He has GORGEOUS eyes!
Calvin: Yeah.
Drifter #1: One more round?
Calvin: Was there ever a doubt?
[ the Drifter extends his hand ]
Drifter #1: This one’s on me!
[ Drifter #2 extends both of his hands and flexes his fingers ]
Calvin: Eeeuuggh!! What are you doing!
[ they all exit into the broom closet together ]
[ fade ]
