SNL Transcripts: Robert DeNiro: 12/04/10: It’s a Living

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8












10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

It’s a Living

Calvin…..Andy Samberg
Tristan…..Jason Sudeikis
Bartender…..Taran Killan
Drifter #1…..Robert DeNiro
Drifter #2…..Ben Stiller

[ open on exterior, Mullins Bar ]

[ dissolve to interior, as Calvin and Tristan step up to the bar ]

Calvin: Agh! That was the most stressful day of my life, man!

Tristan: Yeah. It sounds like it. Well, uh, the first one’s on me, alright?

Calvin: Alright. [ to the bartender ] Excuse me? Bartender?

[ the Bartender extends a passing glance, then completely rebuffs him ]

Tristan: Oh! The bartenders here are the WORST.

Calvin: Yeah. This always happens, you know? Like, who do I have to screw to get a drink around here?

[ Drifter #1 ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Me.

Calvin: I’m sorry… what?

Drifter #1: You asked: “Who do I have to screw to get a drink?” The answer is ME!

Tristan: Yeah, but — [ he laughs ] That’s just a figure of speech! Right?

Drifter #1: No! It’s not.

Calvin: [ he shrugs ] Man… this is gonna SUCK!

Tristan: Wait — no! Calvin! You’re not actually considering doing this?

Calvin: I really want a drink, man!

Tristan: WHAT?! Will you LOOK at him?!

Calvin: What? He’s not all that bad. I mean… he kind of looks like Gandolf.

Tristan: Yeah — no! I-I-I can SEE that, but you can NOT do this!

Calvin: Hey, Tristan? You’re acting like a real SQUARE! Now, SAVE my spot, ’cause I’m about to go score a drink!

[ Calvin takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]

[ SUPER: “7 HOURS LATER” ]

[ Calvin emerges weak-kneed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a beer ]

Tristan: Well?

Calvin: NOT worth it!

Tristan: Yeah. Alright.

[ the Drifter ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Hey, sport, look — sorry it took so long in there.

Calvin: Yeah…

Drifter #1: It’s just, uh, that I find you SO unattractive. It took me while to, you know, “get” there. But, you gotta admit, when I got there… I really GOT there!

Calvin: Yeah. Thank you.

Drifter #1: [ he looks at Tristan ] Hey, there. Sport! You thirsty?

Tristan: No. I’m good. Thank you, though.

Drifter #1: You sure? How about just a shot of something?

Tristan: [ trying to resist ] Aw, dammit! …DAMMIT! It HAS been a stressful day. Just a shot?

Drifter #1: Just a shot.

Tristan: Alright, let’s go.

[ the Drifter offers his hand ]

Tristan: Aw, that’s nice!

[ Tristan takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]

[ SUPER: “6 1/2 HOURS LATER” ]

[ Tristan emerges dazed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a shot ]

Calvin: So?

Tristan: [ chugs his shot ] It was BAD! Not a fun time. No, it was HORRIBLE!

[ the Drifter ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Hey, Sport.

Tristan: Ah, hey.

Drifter #1: I — I-I — I gotta apologize. I took forever in there. Both of you guys are just CRAP ugly!

Tristan: Okay, yeah! I’d rather not talk about it.

Drifter #1: Hey, what’s with the attitude? I’m just doing my thing.

Calvin: No, buddy, it’s not even really you.

Tristan: Yeah. No, the real problem is your friend back there.

[ a second drifter emerges from the broom closet ]

Drifter #2: Hey, guys. Ready for Round Two?

Calvin: The guy’s INSATIABLE!

Drifter #2: That was a nice little rehearsal, but I think we need to bump it UP a notch. [ he rubs his goatee ] I’m gonna need WAY more eye contact!

[ Calvin and Tristan think it over ]

Calvin: Well… he does have really nice eyes.

Tristan: He has GORGEOUS eyes!

Calvin: Yeah.

Drifter #1: One more round?

Calvin: Was there ever a doubt?

[ the Drifter extends his hand ]

Drifter #1: This one’s on me!

[ Drifter #2 extends both of his hands and flexes his fingers ]

Calvin: Eeeuuggh!! What are you doing!

[ they all exit into the broom closet together ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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