SNL Transcripts: Robert DeNiro: 12/04/10: It’s a Living

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

It’s a Living

Calvin…..Andy Samberg
Tristan…..Jason Sudeikis
Bartender…..Taran Killan
Drifter #1…..Robert DeNiro
Drifter #2…..Ben Stiller

[ open on exterior, Mullins Bar ]

[ dissolve to interior, as Calvin and Tristan step up to the bar ]

Calvin: Agh! That was the most stressful day of my life, man!

Tristan: Yeah. It sounds like it. Well, uh, the first one’s on me, alright?

Calvin: Alright. [ to the bartender ] Excuse me? Bartender?

[ the Bartender extends a passing glance, then completely rebuffs him ]

Tristan: Oh! The bartenders here are the WORST.

Calvin: Yeah. This always happens, you know? Like, who do I have to screw to get a drink around here?

[ Drifter #1 ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Me.

Calvin: I’m sorry… what?

Drifter #1: You asked: “Who do I have to screw to get a drink?” The answer is ME!

Tristan: Yeah, but — [ he laughs ] That’s just a figure of speech! Right?

Drifter #1: No! It’s not.

Calvin: [ he shrugs ] Man… this is gonna SUCK!

Tristan: Wait — no! Calvin! You’re not actually considering doing this?

Calvin: I really want a drink, man!

Tristan: WHAT?! Will you LOOK at him?!

Calvin: What? He’s not all that bad. I mean… he kind of looks like Gandolf.

Tristan: Yeah — no! I-I-I can SEE that, but you can NOT do this!

Calvin: Hey, Tristan? You’re acting like a real SQUARE! Now, SAVE my spot, ’cause I’m about to go score a drink!

[ Calvin takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]


[ Calvin emerges weak-kneed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a beer ]

Tristan: Well?

Calvin: NOT worth it!

Tristan: Yeah. Alright.

[ the Drifter ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Hey, sport, look — sorry it took so long in there.

Calvin: Yeah…

Drifter #1: It’s just, uh, that I find you SO unattractive. It took me while to, you know, “get” there. But, you gotta admit, when I got there… I really GOT there!

Calvin: Yeah. Thank you.

Drifter #1: [ he looks at Tristan ] Hey, there. Sport! You thirsty?

Tristan: No. I’m good. Thank you, though.

Drifter #1: You sure? How about just a shot of something?

Tristan: [ trying to resist ] Aw, dammit! …DAMMIT! It HAS been a stressful day. Just a shot?

Drifter #1: Just a shot.

Tristan: Alright, let’s go.

[ the Drifter offers his hand ]

Tristan: Aw, that’s nice!

[ Tristan takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]

[ SUPER: “6 1/2 HOURS LATER” ]

[ Tristan emerges dazed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a shot ]

Calvin: So?

Tristan: [ chugs his shot ] It was BAD! Not a fun time. No, it was HORRIBLE!

[ the Drifter ambles forward ]

Drifter #1: Hey, Sport.

Tristan: Ah, hey.

Drifter #1: I — I-I — I gotta apologize. I took forever in there. Both of you guys are just CRAP ugly!

Tristan: Okay, yeah! I’d rather not talk about it.

Drifter #1: Hey, what’s with the attitude? I’m just doing my thing.

Calvin: No, buddy, it’s not even really you.

Tristan: Yeah. No, the real problem is your friend back there.

[ a second drifter emerges from the broom closet ]

Drifter #2: Hey, guys. Ready for Round Two?

Calvin: The guy’s INSATIABLE!

Drifter #2: That was a nice little rehearsal, but I think we need to bump it UP a notch. [ he rubs his goatee ] I’m gonna need WAY more eye contact!

[ Calvin and Tristan think it over ]

Calvin: Well… he does have really nice eyes.

Tristan: He has GORGEOUS eyes!

Calvin: Yeah.

Drifter #1: One more round?

Calvin: Was there ever a doubt?

[ the Drifter extends his hand ]

Drifter #1: This one’s on me!

[ Drifter #2 extends both of his hands and flexes his fingers ]

Calvin: Eeeuuggh!! What are you doing!

[ they all exit into the broom closet together ]

[ fade ]

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