SNL Transcripts: Robert DeNiro: 12/04/10: Robert DeNiro’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Robert DeNiro’s Monologue

…..Robert DeNiro
Audience Member #1…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Audience Member #2…..Paula Pell
Audience Member #3…..Rob Klein

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Robert DeNiro!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Robert DeNiro: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, thank you, thank — okay, okay, okay, SHUT UP! [ the audience laughs and quiets down ] It’s GREAT to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m hoping this will really kickstart my movie career. And it’s a real thrill to be with all of you here tonight — in NEW YORK CITY!! [ wild applause ] There are millions of tourists, this time of year. But they don’t get to see the REAL New York — the New York I know. Because this is MY town. No one knows the city better than ME. New York, New York. The City of Angels. Home of the Golden Gate Bridge! I love grabbing some famous New York ribs and catching a show at Epcot Center. It’s New York, baby! Just think — 1,000 people in one city. From all foreignicities. I mean, it’s truly a melting basket. And that’s why we have neighborhoods like Chinatown, Frenchworld, and Amish Paradise. Because it’s New York, U.S.A.!

Audience Member #1: Uh, excuse me? Yeah, I think you might have a couple of your facts wrong.

[ DeNiro stares him down ]

Audience Member #1: I’m so sorry. [ he sits ]

Robert DeNiro: New York City. Land of a Thousand Lakes! And, as they say here in New York: “Forget about… this!” And in New York, we don’t do anything halfway. That’s why we have the tallest building in the world — the Taj Mahal!

Audience Member #2: Hey, excuse me? Have you even been to New York before?

Robert DeNiro: Sal, could you please..?

[ a couple of bodyguards remove Audience Member #2 from the audience ]

Audience Member #2: Hey!

Robert DeNiro: This is New York, baby! Land of the Free, Home of the Atlanta Braves! You know, I still go back to my old neighborhood sometimes — 500 Street. And I visit my old performing arts school where it all began — Hogwart’s.

Audience Member #3: Alright, Mr. DeNiro — I think we’ve all heard enough!

Robert DeNiro: Oh, really? Have we? Are you sure? Sal? Give him that thing.

[ DeNiro’s bodyguards hand the audience member a blood-soaked cloth, then unwrap it to reveal a severed horse’s head ]

Audience Member #3: I’m sorry. [ he sits ]

Robert DeNiro: Obviously… I’m just messing with you guys. It’s what New Yorkers do. The truth is, I love New York City and it’s great to be here hosting the BEST show in New York — “Friday Night Lights”! We got a great show for you tonight. Diddy Dirty Money is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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