Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 8
10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money
Robert DeNiro’s Monologue
…..Robert DeNiro
Audience Member #1…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Audience Member #2…..Paula Pell
Audience Member #3…..Rob Klein
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Robert DeNiro!
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Robert DeNiro: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, thank you, thank — okay, okay, okay, SHUT UP! [ the audience laughs and quiets down ] It’s GREAT to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m hoping this will really kickstart my movie career. And it’s a real thrill to be with all of you here tonight — in NEW YORK CITY!! [ wild applause ] There are millions of tourists, this time of year. But they don’t get to see the REAL New York — the New York I know. Because this is MY town. No one knows the city better than ME. New York, New York. The City of Angels. Home of the Golden Gate Bridge! I love grabbing some famous New York ribs and catching a show at Epcot Center. It’s New York, baby! Just think — 1,000 people in one city. From all foreignicities. I mean, it’s truly a melting basket. And that’s why we have neighborhoods like Chinatown, Frenchworld, and Amish Paradise. Because it’s New York, U.S.A.!
Audience Member #1: Uh, excuse me? Yeah, I think you might have a couple of your facts wrong.
[ DeNiro stares him down ]
Audience Member #1: I’m so sorry. [ he sits ]
Robert DeNiro: New York City. Land of a Thousand Lakes! And, as they say here in New York: “Forget about… this!” And in New York, we don’t do anything halfway. That’s why we have the tallest building in the world — the Taj Mahal!
Audience Member #2: Hey, excuse me? Have you even been to New York before?
Robert DeNiro: Sal, could you please..?
[ a couple of bodyguards remove Audience Member #2 from the audience ]
Audience Member #2: Hey!
Robert DeNiro: This is New York, baby! Land of the Free, Home of the Atlanta Braves! You know, I still go back to my old neighborhood sometimes — 500 Street. And I visit my old performing arts school where it all began — Hogwart’s.
Audience Member #3: Alright, Mr. DeNiro — I think we’ve all heard enough!
Robert DeNiro: Oh, really? Have we? Are you sure? Sal? Give him that thing.
[ DeNiro’s bodyguards hand the audience member a blood-soaked cloth, then unwrap it to reveal a severed horse’s head ]
Audience Member #3: I’m sorry. [ he sits ]
Robert DeNiro: Obviously… I’m just messing with you guys. It’s what New Yorkers do. The truth is, I love New York City and it’s great to be here hosting the BEST show in New York — “Friday Night Lights”! We got a great show for you tonight. Diddy Dirty Money is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!
