SNL Transcripts: Robert DeNiro: 12/04/10: Robert DeNiro’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 8

10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

Robert DeNiro’s Monologue

…..Robert DeNiro
Audience Member #1…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Audience Member #2…..Paula Pell
Audience Member #3…..Rob Klein

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Robert DeNiro!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Robert DeNiro: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, thank you, thank — okay, okay, okay, SHUT UP! [ the audience laughs and quiets down ] It’s GREAT to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m hoping this will really kickstart my movie career. And it’s a real thrill to be with all of you here tonight — in NEW YORK CITY!! [ wild applause ] There are millions of tourists, this time of year. But they don’t get to see the REAL New York — the New York I know. Because this is MY town. No one knows the city better than ME. New York, New York. The City of Angels. Home of the Golden Gate Bridge! I love grabbing some famous New York ribs and catching a show at Epcot Center. It’s New York, baby! Just think — 1,000 people in one city. From all foreignicities. I mean, it’s truly a melting basket. And that’s why we have neighborhoods like Chinatown, Frenchworld, and Amish Paradise. Because it’s New York, U.S.A.!

Audience Member #1: Uh, excuse me? Yeah, I think you might have a couple of your facts wrong.

[ DeNiro stares him down ]

Audience Member #1: I’m so sorry. [ he sits ]

Robert DeNiro: New York City. Land of a Thousand Lakes! And, as they say here in New York: “Forget about… this!” And in New York, we don’t do anything halfway. That’s why we have the tallest building in the world — the Taj Mahal!

Audience Member #2: Hey, excuse me? Have you even been to New York before?

Robert DeNiro: Sal, could you please..?

[ a couple of bodyguards remove Audience Member #2 from the audience ]

Audience Member #2: Hey!

Robert DeNiro: This is New York, baby! Land of the Free, Home of the Atlanta Braves! You know, I still go back to my old neighborhood sometimes — 500 Street. And I visit my old performing arts school where it all began — Hogwart’s.

Audience Member #3: Alright, Mr. DeNiro — I think we’ve all heard enough!

Robert DeNiro: Oh, really? Have we? Are you sure? Sal? Give him that thing.

[ DeNiro’s bodyguards hand the audience member a blood-soaked cloth, then unwrap it to reveal a severed horse’s head ]

Audience Member #3: I’m sorry. [ he sits ]

Robert DeNiro: Obviously… I’m just messing with you guys. It’s what New Yorkers do. The truth is, I love New York City and it’s great to be here hosting the BEST show in New York — “Friday Night Lights”! We got a great show for you tonight. Diddy Dirty Money is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

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