SNL Transcripts: Robert DeNiro: 12/04/10: WikiLeaks: TMZ



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8


















10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

WikiLeaks: TMZ

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Julian Assange…..Bill Hader
Writer #1…..Andy Samberg
Moammer Kaddafi…..Fred Armisen
Prostitute…..Kristen Wiig
Writer #2…..Paul Brittain
Hamid Karzai…..Robert DeNiro
Waiter…..Kenan Thompson
Writer #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Hillary Clinton…..Vanessa Bayer
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Uh — Good evening, my fellow Americans. Uhhhh — uh, yesterday I traveled to Afghanistan, uh, to speak with our brave men and women serving in the armed services. Uhhh — while the way forward may be difficult, and there are —

[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange ]

Julian Assange: Hello, America. I’m Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks, and I’ve taken over your airways. This week, my organization released thousands of cables revealing embarrassing details about the international diplomatic community. The leaks did not inspire revolution as I had hoped, so tonight I present a new WikiLeaks… where the leaks are even more embarrassing, and the details are even more sordid. Welcome to:

[ FLASHING SUPER: “WikiLeaks: TMZ” ]

[ dissolve to staff meeting ]

Julian Assange: So, where are we at today, guys? [ the staff is silent ] Looking for world leaders behaving badly. Come on!

Writer #1: Yeah. so, like, you know how one of the leaked cables says Kaddafi has a Ukranian nurse who never leaves his side?

Julian Assange: Yes. That was a juicy leak, yeah.

Writer #1: Yeah. Well, this nurse is a [ he makes obscene sound effects ] And our guys caught them leaving a hot new Bolivian restaurant. Check it.

[ footage plays of Kaddafi leaving restaurant with a prostitute ]

Voice: Hey, Moammer! Moamer Kaddafi! What’s up, man?

Moammer Kaddafi: I’m just finishing dinner.

Voice: Who’s the lady?

Moammer Kaddafi: Where’s the car? She’s my nurse.

Voice: She’s pretty hot for a nurse.

Moammer Kaddafi: [ nervous ] Where’s the car?! What did you say?

Voice: I said, she’s pretty hot for a nurse.

Prostitute: I am nurse.

Moammer Kaddafi: She’s just nurse! Abdul! Car!

Prostitute: And, also, prostitute.

[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]

[ return to staff meeting, staff members high-fiving one another ]

Julian Assange: Alright, alright, good stuff! Good stuff. Good stuff. But he’s an easy target. More! Feed me! Come on!

Writer #2: Uhhhh, hey! So, uh, you know how these cables keep saying Afghanistan’s really corrupt and you can’t get anything done unless you bribe someone in the government?

Julian Assange: Of course. Yeah.

Writer #2: Well… our guys caught up with President Hamid Karzai leaving ?? last night, and, uh… I think it kind of speaks for itself!

[ footage plays of Karzai leaving location ]

Voice: So your boy Obama was in Afghanistan. Did you get to see him?

Hamid Karzai: I did?

Voice: Did he ask you all about the bribery in your administration?

Waiter: Sir! You forgot your briefcase.

Hamid Karzai: [ stern ] I do not take bribes!

[ Karzai takes the briefcase, which pops open and spills money to the ground ]

[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]

[ return to staff meeting ]

Julian Assange: What an idiot. Good work. But what I really want for Christmas… is a takedown of Hillary clinton!

Writer #3: [ smarmy ] Well, ho ho ho! Your wishes are answered. One of our sources sent us a video that has to be seen to be believed.

Julian Assange: Who’s the source?

Writer #3: It’s top secret. But they shot it, they sent it to us, and you have NEVER seen Hillary Clinton like this before!

[ footage plays of Secret Service agents opening a limosine door to Hillary Clinton ]

Hillary Clinton: [ yapping on a cell phone ] What part of “spying on the UN” DON’T you understand? I want everything: hair samples, fingerprints, where they buy their groceries. [ she leans forward to exit the vehicle, revealing a pixelated crotch shot with no panties ] We’re the United States of America — we can do whatever we want! [ she sees the camera ] Hey! Are you filming me?!

[ the camera spins around to reveal its operator — Vice-President Joe Biden ]

Joe Biden: Hey-ohhh!! You just got BIDENED!! Ha ha!!

[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]

[ return to staff meeting ]

Staff: Whoaaaaaa!!

Writer #1: Schnap!!

Julian Assange: Indeed. [ to the camera ] So there you have it, America. Truth, courtesy of Julian Assange. [ the lights dim ] Do I suck a little bit? I do. Yeah. Can you try me for treason? You can’t, because I’m from Australia. But nice try, dummies. In closing, I want to remind you all: [ smugly ] No matter how I die… it was murder. And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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