SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/11/10: Broadway Cares


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Broadway Cares

Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..Paul Rudd
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on stage, as Paul Rudd approaches Mike Underballs ]

Mike Underballs: Paul Rudd, hey! Mike Underballs! I’m the director.

Paul Rudd: It’s really nice meeting you, Mr. Underballs.

Mike Underballs: “Mr. Underballs” is my dad — call me Mike! We’re so glad to have you doing this benefit show. Broadway Cares is an amazing cause.

Paul Rudd: I’m happy to help.

Mike Underballs: So you know how the night works — everyone’s performing their favorite songs from a Broadway musical. [ Rudd nods ] And you’re doing “Willkommen” from “Cabaret”?

Paul Rudd: Yeah. The MC. It’s my dream role.

Mike Underballs: Alright. Well, why don’t we just take it from the top?

Paul Rudd: I do have one idea. Is it possible for me to do it in a spotlight?

Mike Underballs: Absolutely! I love it. [ he looks upward ] Hey, Jeff? Jeff? Uh, we’re gonna need a spotlight on this one! Is that okay?

[ up in the rafters, Jeff is preoccupied with his newspaper, but glances down ]

Jeff: Hey, you really want my opinion?!

Mike Underballs: Hey, l-let’s just do it, buddy.

[ Jeff folds his newspaper, shrugs, and turns on the spotlight ]

Mike Underballs: Okay, here we go. Music!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ he prances Stage Left, but the spotlight remains where it’s pointed ]

[ Rudd runs back into the spotlight, but is rattled from his performance ]

Paul Rudd: I-I-I-I’m sorry. Could we just stop for a second?

Mike Underballs: Jeff! Jeff! You gotta FOLLOW him!

Jeff: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Mike! You know, my mind must be elsewhere. I saw “Tangled” again this week, and, uh, you know, I’m still thinking through it! Yeah, that thing’s like an animated “Inception”!

Mike Underballs: No prob. Jeff, you’re the BEST!

Jeff: Mmm-hmm.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, well, when I move from my first position, just follow me. Otherwise, people won’t be able to see me.

Jeff: [ blinking his eyes for a beat ] Oh, is that how LIGHT works?!

Mike Underballs: Jeff!

Jeff: No, Mike, this is great! I love this! This is great! Thomas Edison is gonna tell us how LIGHT works!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFF!! Just follow him with the spot.

Jeff: Hey! You’re the BOSS, Mike! It’s YOUR vision, baby!

Paul Rudd: [ concerned ] Hey, I didn’t upset him, did I?

Mike Underballs: No, no, no — he’s fine. Alright, from the top!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ he prances Stage Left, but the spotlight breezes past and leaves Rudd in the dark ]

[ the spotlight then pans to Stage Right, as Rudd breathlessly tries to catch up with it ]

Paul Rudd: I-I-I’m sorry! Stop! Stop! Could we just please stop?

Mike Underballs: What’s going on, Paul, what’s going on?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s just — he’s moving the spot all around! It’s RIDICULOUS!

Jeff: Hey, Mike! You know what’s ridiculous? Paul Rudd trying to be the MC from “Cabaret”!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEEFFFFF!!!!

Jeff: Nah, I’m serious! I thought MC stood for Master of Ceremony — not Mediocre CACA!!

Mike Underballs: Kaka’s with a “K”, Jeff!

Jeff: Nahhhh, Kaka’s spelled with an “R” — R-U-D-D!

Mike Underballs: [ chuckling ] Hey, that’s funny! [ to Rudd ] That’s your last name!


Mike Underballs: I know you do, Jeff!

Paul Rudd: Hey, what’s your PROBLEM, man?!

Jeff: Hey! Listen up, “Clueless”! Alright? You perform this thing this way, one day you’re gonna run into Joel Grey at the gym and he’s gonna hop up on a box and punch you in the NUTS!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFFF!!!! [ a beat ] If you’re gonna go there, PLEASE keep it out of the gutter!

Paul Rudd: [ dumbfounded ] What?! “If you’re gonna go there”?!

Jeff: Hey, I gotcha, Mike! I know what you’re saying! Be the change you want to see in the world! Right?

Mike Underballs: Right, Jeff. Think Gandhi!

Jeff: Hey! You GOT IT, buddy! I’ll humor this dick!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFF!!!

Jeff: Hey, nice catch! You’re right, I slipped!

Paul Rudd: Hey, you know what? I’m gonna make it easy — I’m NOT gonna move! I’m gonna stay PUT!

Jeff: Yeah! You should have stayed AT HOME!!

Mike Underballs: [ frustrated ] Music!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ as Rudd stays put, the spotlight shrinks and shrinks until it only shines on Rudd’s crotch ]

Paul Rudd: Oh, come on! Would you — look, look at this!

[ Mike pokes his head in front of the tiny crotch spotlight ]

Mike Underballs: Jeff, what are we thinking here?!

Jeff: [ shtugs ] Uh, you know, I thought I’d draw attention to the guy’s CROTCH, ’cause he’s singing like such a big PUSSY!

Mike Underballs: JEEFFFF!!!

Paul Rudd: You know what? THAT’S IT!! I’m outta here!!

[ Rudd stomps away ]

Mike Underballs: Ohhh, great! Now what are we gonna do?

Jeff: Hey! I’ll show you what we’re gonna do! BEEETTHH!! Hit me with that spotlight!

[ a spotlight shines on Jeff, as he grabs a hat, drapes a fishnet leg over the railing and begins to sing “Willkommen” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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