SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/11/10: Broadway Cares

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Broadway Cares

Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..Paul Rudd
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on stage, as Paul Rudd approaches Mike Underballs ]

Mike Underballs: Paul Rudd, hey! Mike Underballs! I’m the director.

Paul Rudd: It’s really nice meeting you, Mr. Underballs.

Mike Underballs: “Mr. Underballs” is my dad — call me Mike! We’re so glad to have you doing this benefit show. Broadway Cares is an amazing cause.

Paul Rudd: I’m happy to help.

Mike Underballs: So you know how the night works — everyone’s performing their favorite songs from a Broadway musical. [ Rudd nods ] And you’re doing “Willkommen” from “Cabaret”?

Paul Rudd: Yeah. The MC. It’s my dream role.

Mike Underballs: Alright. Well, why don’t we just take it from the top?

Paul Rudd: I do have one idea. Is it possible for me to do it in a spotlight?

Mike Underballs: Absolutely! I love it. [ he looks upward ] Hey, Jeff? Jeff? Uh, we’re gonna need a spotlight on this one! Is that okay?

[ up in the rafters, Jeff is preoccupied with his newspaper, but glances down ]

Jeff: Hey, you really want my opinion?!

Mike Underballs: Hey, l-let’s just do it, buddy.

[ Jeff folds his newspaper, shrugs, and turns on the spotlight ]

Mike Underballs: Okay, here we go. Music!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ he prances Stage Left, but the spotlight remains where it’s pointed ]

[ Rudd runs back into the spotlight, but is rattled from his performance ]

Paul Rudd: I-I-I-I’m sorry. Could we just stop for a second?

Mike Underballs: Jeff! Jeff! You gotta FOLLOW him!

Jeff: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Mike! You know, my mind must be elsewhere. I saw “Tangled” again this week, and, uh, you know, I’m still thinking through it! Yeah, that thing’s like an animated “Inception”!

Mike Underballs: No prob. Jeff, you’re the BEST!

Jeff: Mmm-hmm.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, well, when I move from my first position, just follow me. Otherwise, people won’t be able to see me.

Jeff: [ blinking his eyes for a beat ] Oh, is that how LIGHT works?!

Mike Underballs: Jeff!

Jeff: No, Mike, this is great! I love this! This is great! Thomas Edison is gonna tell us how LIGHT works!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFF!! Just follow him with the spot.

Jeff: Hey! You’re the BOSS, Mike! It’s YOUR vision, baby!

Paul Rudd: [ concerned ] Hey, I didn’t upset him, did I?

Mike Underballs: No, no, no — he’s fine. Alright, from the top!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ he prances Stage Left, but the spotlight breezes past and leaves Rudd in the dark ]

[ the spotlight then pans to Stage Right, as Rudd breathlessly tries to catch up with it ]

Paul Rudd: I-I-I’m sorry! Stop! Stop! Could we just please stop?

Mike Underballs: What’s going on, Paul, what’s going on?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s just — he’s moving the spot all around! It’s RIDICULOUS!

Jeff: Hey, Mike! You know what’s ridiculous? Paul Rudd trying to be the MC from “Cabaret”!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEEFFFFF!!!!

Jeff: Nah, I’m serious! I thought MC stood for Master of Ceremony — not Mediocre CACA!!

Mike Underballs: Kaka’s with a “K”, Jeff!

Jeff: Nahhhh, Kaka’s spelled with an “R” — R-U-D-D!

Mike Underballs: [ chuckling ] Hey, that’s funny! [ to Rudd ] That’s your last name!


Mike Underballs: I know you do, Jeff!

Paul Rudd: Hey, what’s your PROBLEM, man?!

Jeff: Hey! Listen up, “Clueless”! Alright? You perform this thing this way, one day you’re gonna run into Joel Grey at the gym and he’s gonna hop up on a box and punch you in the NUTS!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFFF!!!! [ a beat ] If you’re gonna go there, PLEASE keep it out of the gutter!

Paul Rudd: [ dumbfounded ] What?! “If you’re gonna go there”?!

Jeff: Hey, I gotcha, Mike! I know what you’re saying! Be the change you want to see in the world! Right?

Mike Underballs: Right, Jeff. Think Gandhi!

Jeff: Hey! You GOT IT, buddy! I’ll humor this dick!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFF!!!

Jeff: Hey, nice catch! You’re right, I slipped!

Paul Rudd: Hey, you know what? I’m gonna make it easy — I’m NOT gonna move! I’m gonna stay PUT!

Jeff: Yeah! You should have stayed AT HOME!!

Mike Underballs: [ frustrated ] Music!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ as Rudd stays put, the spotlight shrinks and shrinks until it only shines on Rudd’s crotch ]

Paul Rudd: Oh, come on! Would you — look, look at this!

[ Mike pokes his head in front of the tiny crotch spotlight ]

Mike Underballs: Jeff, what are we thinking here?!

Jeff: [ shtugs ] Uh, you know, I thought I’d draw attention to the guy’s CROTCH, ’cause he’s singing like such a big PUSSY!

Mike Underballs: JEEFFFF!!!

Paul Rudd: You know what? THAT’S IT!! I’m outta here!!

[ Rudd stomps away ]

Mike Underballs: Ohhh, great! Now what are we gonna do?

Jeff: Hey! I’ll show you what we’re gonna do! BEEETTHH!! Hit me with that spotlight!

[ a spotlight shines on Jeff, as he grabs a hat, drapes a fishnet leg over the railing and begins to sing “Willkommen” ]

[ fade ]

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